Hi,
I've been in a relationship with man for two years. Single parent, as is he, so we can see each other once a week due to work/kids. We live 40 minutes from each other.
Things were quite good for the first year. He was keen and 'chasing'. Loving and reliable, almost a bit stalkerish at times.
He told me he couldn't tell his exP about a new partner as she had mental health issues, therefore he also couldn't introduce kids. This was despite her having a new partner (true). So I was gradually moved from being treated like a 'wonderful girlfriend' to being a secret to protect her wellbeing.
He started telling me about a wonderful long term female friend he has, but never introducing me. He was trying to make me jealous. On other occasions he'd tell me how his exP was still not over him (probably true, I think he manipulates her and plays the single man, he probably confuses her like he confuses me).
He has about 5 main 'people' in his life and each is compartmentalised, none ever meet the others, his exP, me, his female friend, his parents.
He will tell me things like wanting to introduce me to his parents, then when I ask a few weeks later he will act like he never said it. Then he'll say that he's not seeing them for a few months (probably true).
A few months ago I saw a message pop up from another woman on his phone. I dumped him. He begged me back, assured me he hadn't done anything more than chat to her etc. That he was lost without me, life not worth living etc. I forgave him and believed him, things were good for a short time. Then he started his 'manipulation' that I'd experienced previously.
Intermittently ignoring messages or phone calls from me for 24 hours. Not committing to dates to see me or changing them, knowing I had childcare to sort out. Having digs at me for having more money than him. Telling me he loves me but then not making time to see me or making last minute plans to see me. Telling me he can't see me as he's 'tired'. Ignoring my questions about dates to see each other but then saying he 'forgot' or purposefully misunderstanding the question.
When he ignores me I dont chase but will ask whether he's OK after 24 hours or so. I often go on to ask if he still wants to be with me, due to his behaviour. He always insists he wants to make it work, he loves me and wants to be with me. He always has 'mitigating' circumstances. I cant win. He makes me feel very insecure. His behaviour leaves me permanently confused and second guessing myself.
This behaviour is interspersed with him often being very loving when I see him, he will be caring and reassuring, hold me for hours etc. Which is what keeps me 'hooked', he knows this. Sometimes he will also phone a lot etc for a few weeks, especially if he has a problem, eg he was trying to set up a company and wanted my help. So I relax, feel close to him and think everything is good. Then he withdraws again.
I know know it sounds easy to 'dump' him. However the manipulation is very hard to get past, he only started it once I was in love with him and he knows I'm quite isolated and vulnerable. I'd rather he just dumped me than dragged me through this, but he won't, at least not until he's got a replacement, then he'll want the end of the relationship to be my fault.
Oh he also has some horrific life experiences which he knows make it very hard to leave him.
Thanks for reading, any advice gratefully received.