Toxic situation

[BellaD24]

Hello I am new here so please be kind!

Over the past few years I’ve been feeling like in 2nd best to my MIL , she lives with us and is old with many health issues and no interests or hobbies or even have and self care.. most of the time I feel she fakes it so that DH has to look after her more !

I basically don’t like her company and over the time have stopped sharing conversations with her as it’s like talking to a brick wall. All she does is keep following DH like a shadow and has no life of her own. I feel there is no boundaries or privacy btw DH and I n that she’s eavesdropping on conversation.

How can I stop my negative thoughts of her ? What do I need to do to get internal peace? How do I like someone that can’t be bothered to have her own life ?!

What makes you think she fakes her health issues out of interest? Have you/your dh seen proof of them?

Just that when she thinks I’m not there she’s absolutely fine and is very capable to do things she just wants attention so that’s why she acts sick

Depends what kind of things I suppose, say if she normally would need help to walk to the loo, you aren't there and she's desperate she's probably going to try. That's just an example however, hard to say not knowing roughly what or how bad her issues are. Just wondered if that might be what's causing some of your feelings towards her which was why I asked if you'd seen actual proof there was anything wrong with her. Some illnesses can be worse at times, good days and bad days.

I'm not sure there's such a thing as "can't be bothered to have her own life?" as this sounds like a psychological issue - perhaps depression? Or a result of her ill health and isolation? You do not seem to have a lot of compassion for your MIL.

Have you tried counselling for yourself to help generate solutions?

Maybe it would help to look at the dynamics between MIL & DH and also yourself and DH?

Yes I agree over time my compassion for her has deteriorated! I do care for her wellbeing but are you saying I’m depressed and need counselling?

The relationship with DH and her is much better then me and DH and I get jealous yes.

I think counselling might really help you with this situation. I was wondering if MIL might be depressed though if she has lost interest in living her life.

It sounds really difficult and I just thought counselling for yourself might really help you work out the best way to deal with the situation and manage the relationships - and provide you with some support and understanding.

Maybe all 3 of you living together can work with more understanding and better communication but it's a big ask to live with your MIL if you don't really get on. Maybe you need to look at other options.

I don’t have any options but to have her live with us as my DH is close to her and won’t put her in home etc! I just pretend she doesn’t exist in my head to get through day to day and ignore her as much as possible

This seems not such a good way to live. Do you think you would be happier if you left DH?

No

What type of counselling would help? Where do I access it?

Why not make time for date nights with husband?
Even if it's just going out for a picnic.
And start looking for hobby groups she can go to as well.

I'd make it clear, via conversation with everyone in the room that 'you know you are welcome here, but my husband and I need personal time too. So we need to work together as a family to see that those needs are met. I think, hubby, you and I need to take some date nights every week. And (stepmom) I want you to think about any activities you enjoy and we will look into social groups in the area for you that do these'.

Counciling is pointless because it's the living situation that is the problem. And that cant be changed.

Unless communication between you and your husband is also a problem. In which case, councilling might help.

I'd look at the BACP website to find a qualified counsellor.

I have had conversation re hobby’s with her - she has none she is just miserable and sits daydreaming all day or parrots our conversations

Eg she doesn’t cook, can’t read as her eyesight is limited, struggles to walk around the house! Yet runs for a trip to the local shops with DH! Doesn’t watch any particular shows.. she’s just sad person to be around