How do you deal with feelings of worthlessness?

[Californiansunsets]

My husband and I split up in April as he was cheating on me.
Some days I think I’m doing good, other days I’m not so good.

I can’t get over the feeling of feeling worthless. I feel not good enough and I keep thinking that the OW has won, which is silly really but that’s how I feel. I don’t check out the OW social media, she has blocked me, but my sister says she is posting pictures of herself on her social media all happy “living my best life” stuff with big happy smiles, whereas for me, I’m here crying most days (not as much as when we first split but I’m still crying at some point in the day).
My husband isn’t showing any remorse, he has been away weekends away, has been on holiday abroad. He looks great. I’m a mess most of the time. I lost a lot of weight in the beginning, but I’ve put it back on now what with me being on antidepressants, and comfort eating. I just think I’m worthless, I’m ugly, I’m not good enough so what’s the point of me making an effort.

I am seeing a counsellor but it’s early days, I’ve only seen her twice. A lot of what she says makes sense, but I just can’t get out of my head when he was shouting at me “look at the fucking state of you, look at you”, he even told me he wanted to kill himself because of me.

I just have these feelings of me being a waste of space, and I can’t get rid of them.

I don’t know how to feel better 😞

I’m so sorry you are going through this.
The man who has left you is a cruel and uncaring man.
Please don’t give him another minute of your time. Remember he has shown his true colours and you deserve to be happy and deserve better than to be cheated on.
Please continue with counselling, meet with friends if you can, keep busy, treat yourself to some nice nibble bath, get your nails done…. Things to make each day a little easier.
Eventually you will see this stage as a crappy stage before you emerge and realise your potential.
I’m in the similar stage to you. The man I loved has left me for another woman. It’s so hard and the heartache is physically painful, but we can both get through this.
Don’t torture yourself thinking of them together. X concentrate on you and you all eventually feel stronger.
I’m here for you xxx

Hey Op.

You need to stop getting updates on her firstly, ask your sister to stop doing that, as it's never going to make you feel better, and the reason why, is at the moment you are making comparison to someone else, and putting them in your place.

What you need to do is take control of what you want and why and do it for you and not for someone else.

Also, time. You need time. You need to grieve the loss of a big part of your life and the identify it gave you, and once you are ready really think about who you are and not what you were part of.

I'm sorry. Huge hugs as break ups are proper shit. I can promise you it will pass though.

I have told my sister not to give me any updates from now on. I keep thinking she must be better than me, better looking, better at everything. I feel she must be more worthy than me, as my husband wanted her and she was also married but she has split up from her husband but he wants her back. Her and my husband have gotten together now.

I guess I would feel better if my husband said he had made a massive mistake and asked to come back, I wouldn’t take him back, but I keep thinking maybe that would make me feel better, does that make sense? He told my oldest son he is so happy and he hasn’t been this happy for such a long time. I keep thinking was I that much of a drain on him?

I did get my nails done last week, thinking that would help me feel a little bit better, but it didn’t.

Of course it doesn't sound stupid, and what you're seeking is any form of closure to help you consolidate everything that has happened. Which is 100% totally normal.

But, if you keep looking to get that from someone else, namely your ex, you may never achieve it. The only way to move on is to be able to come to terms with it yourself and by yourself, and I'm so sorry my lovely, but it takes time and it will happen. I promise it will. You need to grieve it all out and you can't force that either to speed it up, it's just about taking every day as it comes.

The only advice I can give to help it along is starvation. The less you know, hear, seek or are told the easier it will be to start putting some of it in a box and throwing away the key.

Huge hugs. I've been there. It's painful and it's totally and utterly shit.

The woman had an affair, so on that alone she isn't as good as you, never mind better. If she's done it once she can do it again, and do can he, do neither really has a partner they can trust. What she is is a novelty and they will seem happy because its early days. Everyone is happy at first before the faults start to show. He's a nasty piece of work, and she'll see that side of him eventually. Meanwhile you're free to heal, move on and find a better life than someone like him could ever have given you.

You are most certainly not worthless. He cheated not you. She has hooked up with another woman’s husband, not you. You’re the one who is worth something not them. Hold your head up, keep going and this feeling will pass. As the previous poster says, you’re free! Embrace that! You can steer your own ship. Good luck op x

It doesn't sound stupid at all

But it is still early days. I was you this time last year. Honestly thought i was worth nothing if he could do that to me.

But

Remember they deserve each other. Remember that you deserve better.
And remember there is life out there beyond him and what he did

Keep your chin up op

I think he feels she has everything, she is younger than him, apparently has a lovely figure, is a working mum, has a great job, uni degree where she earns a very good salary (the same as him), she works out, and they can talk about their job. Whereas me, I’m in a minimum wage job, don’t really have any qualifications, and hardly earn any money, my job was basically working but running the house and looking after the kids, he didn’t take much to do with the kids.

She hasn't won anything other than a cheating bastard who is likely to move on to the next 'better deal' when he feels the need - but you don't see that yet.
You will in time.

Your self worth needs to come from within you, not be bestowed upon you by other people. Until you change that it will be very difficult to break out of this cycle of distress.

You have a core belief that you're not good enough, so then whatever happens around you gets twisted to fit that belief. Whether true or not.

For instance, you are interpreting this situation as a "competition" that you lost because you're no good, rather than viewing his poor behaviour as something that merely reflects poorly on him not you. Because you are thinking the first way you feel shit and are not taking care of yourself because you don't think you're worth it - which then makes you feel worse and reinforces your belief that you're worthless.

Thoughts are not facts but they do influence our feelings and behaviour. Change the belief and how you think about things, and you will feel different and be protected from feeling torn down by other people.

www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Self-Esteem

Your nervous system will react the same way to acts of kindness from yourself as it reacts to kindness from another person - that soothed feeling you get when someone cares for you. And likewise if you are cruel and neglectful to yourself, your nervous system reacts as if another person was mistreating you. That means you have the power to make yourself feel better and that learning to offer yourself compassion is worthwhile.

I feel she must be more worthy than me...

This is a thought not a feeling. Thinking like this makes you feel distressed. It is not a helpful thought. It is also not an accurate thought.

You need to learn to differentiate between thoughts and feelings, and then how to reconnect your thoughts to a more realistic and useful appraisal of the facts.

I just have these feelings of me being a waste of space

These are also thoughts not feelings. Again they are very unhelpful thoughts.

Thoughts can be changed, and that in turn changes behaviour and feelings.

I just think I’m worthless, I’m ugly, I’m not good enough so what’s the point of me making an effort.

Your thought that "I'm worthless" causes you to behave in self-neglectful ways. That neglect makes you feel worse which then reinforces your unhelpful thought and causes you to neglect yourself even more. It's a vicious cycle.

You need to break the cycle.

I totally understand how you are feeling. This was exactly me ten years ago. Someone on here said to me 'revenge is a life well lived'. It didn't really make sense to me at the time as I almost wanted to look a complete wreck when he turned to to pick the DC up so he could see how awfully he had behaved and the impact it had had on me. Also I thought that if I was all breezy and over him he would feel admonished and guilt free. But I did decide to move forward anyway. Started running for my mental health and lost some weight in the process. I also had a bit of a glow from that. Got my hair done. Asked him to make sure he turned up on time as I had plans and had to be somewhere.

I didn't want him back (well I did at the start) but he was genuinely perplexed by this. It was unexpected behaviour and I was changing in front of his eyes (I don't mean drastic weight loss...more nonchalance and holding my head up high. He did end up asking if we could try again during this period but I said no.

I know 'fake it til you make it' is overused but it's also great advice. Keep pushing forward, force yourself to do some things you don't feel like doing and as you carry on I promise you will start feeling better. It's project YOU for a while. The other great healer is of course time.. but I think this can be sped up a little by making yourself feel better about yourself. Do not keep turning over is gaslighting words in your head. Just focus on you.

I know how awful this feels. I'm sorry you are going through this. You will get there.

As my sister would say, all she has done is create a vacancy for the next ow

@Californiansunsets

I think he feels she has everything, she is younger than him, apparently has a lovely figure, is a working mum, has a great job, uni degree where she earns a very good salary (the same as him), she works out, and they can talk about their job. Whereas me, I’m in a minimum wage job, don’t really have any qualifications, and hardly earn any money, my job was basically working but running the house and looking after the kids, he didn’t take much to do with the kids.

Ok, so she is different from you, with a different lifestyle, and that is what your H wants. At least at the moment. That's incredibly sad, but out of your control. What you can do is reframe your thoughts, and not see what she is or has as better, just because he currently wants it. You are you, with your own qualities and strengths and your own form of attractiveness, and there are people who would choose your qualities over hers, because we all want different things. It's about finding someone who is right for us, and sadly he is no longer that person for you.

Tell your sister to not pass anything on, no one needs that. Keep seeing the therapist. At some point you will get angry with your H - good, he has behaved v badly and said some terrible things. Rage is a more productive emotion than feeling worthless (which you are NOT )

These are totally normal and understandable feelings when someone has just pulled something like this on you. You're depressed, and the depressed mind sees things this way and can't imagine it any differently. You can't magic it away, but it will feel better with time, honestly.

I'd recommend looking up some of the websites explaining the psychology of the cheat ... e.g:
he was shouting at me “look at the fucking state of you, look at you”, he even told me he wanted to kill himself because of me.
Cheats can't bear the fact that they are acting like bastards. They don't want to be bastards. Their brains do some clever acrobatics to make them less bastardlike: "I'm great - it must be my partner who was so shit, and that's why I was absolutely reasonable and OK to leave them". The worse they act, the worse they have to make you out to be to explain their actions away.

It is textbook. My exh did just the same.

Or this:
he is so happy and he hasn’t been this happy for such a long time
He's comparing these two things:
Start of relationship: honeymoon period. Flowers, butterflies, technicolor. Partner gazes at you adoringly.
Years later: everyday life. Cat sick on the bed. Partner complains you never empty the dishwasher.

My exh also got together with a younger woman in his line of work. They actually exchanged texts about how clever they both were. A couple of years after we broke up, she cheated on him. He then got together with another younger woman in his field, who ghosted him. Wondering if/when he's going to give up and just find another woman his age.

Thanks everyone. Evianlion I’m going to have a read through that link you have shared.

I know I need to do a lot of work on me. I’ve never had any self esteem even when I was growing up, so I think it will be a long hard process. He has always had massive self esteem, maybe I don’t have any because of him who knows. I do know as the years have went on he has gotten even more full of himself, he even said one time “no one can lace my boots” talking about his place of work.

Ravenmum I have looked at some websites, but I will look again, I might need to keep looking at them.

I just feel as if everything has been thrown at me, I’ve had an awful lot of stuff to deal with, trying to keep the roof over our heads, deal with the kids, and there has been other stuff I’ve had to deal with too which I won’t go into, but I feel as if there has been obstacles in every way I turn, and he’s just walked off into the sun smiling as happy as Larry, enjoying things with his new woman, and I’m left to deal with everything. He is a very selfish person and I think he will be saying to himself that he is entitled to have this life. In another way I think he is kidding himself on as he was telling me he only wanted me, and OW was only a work colleague which he got on well with. He certainly wasn’t saying he was unhappy or anything like that, even asked if there was a way we could work it out after I found out about them. Who knows, but I just feel worthless, he doesn’t take any “ownership” of any blame at all.
When I think back to what he seen I was like, as I lost a lot of weight with the stress of me thinking he was having an affair and I wasn’t sleeping, I was reallya bag of nerves, and I think why wasn’t I good enough for him to either admit he was having an affair, or admit he wasn’t happy and he could have just left? Why did he have to put me through all that when I was right all along? Was I that worthless and insignificant for him not to tell me the truth, and I’m struggling with that as well.

why wasn’t I good enough for him to either admit he was having an affair, or admit he wasn’t happy and he could have just left?
As you saw from him asking if you could work things out, he wasn't as unhappy as he made out at all. He'd have been fine staying with you if OW had dumped him. He didn't admit the affair as he didn't want to be the baddy, and as he didn't know if OW was up for leaving her husband, or whether it was worth the risk of leaving you - he knew they might not stay together, so was delaying any decisions or change until the situation was less risky.

He wasn't thinking about you. But not because you're not worth thinking about. I'm guessing it's perhaps because he's selfish, thoughtless and inconsiderate. Does that sound a reasonably accurate description, looking back over the years?

It’s incredibly hard being married to somebody with a giant sized ego and huge self esteem. He’s got his power from putting you down. What’s going to happen with this new woman once the thrill of stomping on their partners wears off. At some point he might come back if she goes back. They get their thrill and their power from being wanted and being chased and then discarding.
You must have no more to do with them or they will destroy you. Sign up to a gym, move to a different area. Cut him off. That will give you some power. Why don’t you go to college? What have you always wanted to do? You’re now FREE!

Ravenmum yes that does seem accurate. It just baffles me that he was prepared to sit and watch me go through all that anxiety I mean did he enjoy that?

BeachDrifting thank you. I have started a new college course, but still working so I’m hoping to be busy x

My exh did exactly the same - I even asked him, nicely, if he wanted to break up, so he could have ended it faster and with less pain, but he didn't.
I don't really get what goes on in their heads when they see how much it hurts you, the weight loss etc. I don't think very much goes on at all tbh - head firmly in the sand - and they are so busy honing their victim story to tell the OW that they get right into it and believe it themselves. But maybe there is a certain element of enjoying being in the driving seat - having all the power - and knowing more than you. My exh invited the OW round to our house (she refused) telling her he found it exciting that neither I nor the kids who knew she really was.

I agree with a PP that you need to find your anger, but there's lots of other good advice, too. It's normal for you to be thinking about these things, and it's typical of depression to dwell on it. Take care of yourself physically - exercise, proper food - keep up the therapy/medication and avoid routines that encourage negative thoughts; try all the online advice on how to sleep better etc. But time is your best friend; it'll get better.