I know I need to leave..

[randomunicorn]

My husband and I have been together for 11 years, married 7. He has 2 children from a previous relationship and we have 2 together 2 & 3.

These last few months/weeks, not even sure how long I don't know if something has changed or if I've suddenly opened my eyes.

I hate the way he treats our children. He can be a very warm and loving dad, but he can also be so cruel and nasty and I just cannot bear to see it anymore. When I try and talk to him; it's my parenting that's the problem and never his obviously. Because he's had children before me and they're well behaved and have a great relationship with him so he can't possibly be doing anything wrong.

Some examples.
He winds the 3 year old up, constantly saying things that annoy him over and over to the point he's screaming telling him to stop. Just little things like, he'll ask for a snack and he'll say no. No reason to say no, it's just to get a reaction.
He'll be happily watching the iPad or playing with a toy and he'll say I'm taking that now.

It's got to the point he will always chose me over him, he won't let his dad do anything for him.

When the 3 year old is misbehaving he's so hard on him. He shouts and is very controlling in his way of dealing with it. He won't allow me to step in and sort it he has to 'win'. I have a much more laid back approach, I rarely shout unless he's doing something dangerous or playing too rough with the baby. I use countdowns and repeat myself until he listens. If he's having a tantrum I'll stop, hug him till he's calm then deal with the issue. My husband just goes on and on and it just gets worse.

I know I need to leave, I know he won't change but part of me thinks if I leave I won't be around when he has them so can't make it ok. I'm not worried he'd hurt them physically but I just don't like how he treats them. I feel such a huge amount of guilt allowing things to get to this point. I don't know if it's suddenly for worse or I've just not noticed.

I'm miserable and I just want my babies to have a calm and loving environment. Their dad can be Thai person, but only when they're being good. He just cannot deal or be patient with any behaviour at all.

I don't know the point of this, think I just needed to say it all to someone but don't know where to turn.

How often does he see his children by his ex?.

I would seek legal advice re separation and divorce ASAP. If he is at all bothered going forward with his children by you then he needs to see them in a contact centre. I would certainly not ever consider any informal arrangement between you and he. Better to be from a so called broken home too than to remain in one.

Would also suggest you contact both Womens Aid and the Rights of Women organisations (the latter can give legal advice).

Don't underestimate the value in them having a home where they aren't teased or harangued for normal kid behaviour or compared with their half siblings.

Even if they also spend time with their dad if their main home is calm and loving then that is so good for them.

If you stay together, and he behaves like this, the kids will believe it is normal and that you are ok with it and it is all they deserve.

They are so young, it's a lot of years to spend with someone you'd rather leave.

I don't want to be with my partner anymore!

We have been together 13 years. I was few months pregnant when we first met. ( Caught with someone had fling with )
We since had 3 children together been married 6 years.

The pst 2 years things haven't been the same between us I don't feel for him like I should as a wife. I ended things a few times but he just guilt trips me back.

I don't feel I have a life with him stuck in a rut everyday. I do ABSOLUTELY everything in the relationship have no appreciation from him, he does nothing to take the pressure of daily life for me. We don't have date nights he don't treat me, I'm always buying him things.

When I treat myself he gets jealous and buys himself stuff. He goes all funny when I want to go see mam alone, if I make the effort dress wise instead of everyday mum bun and pair jeans he's like u look nice where u off ur gunna turn some heads ect in a sarcastic way.

I can't see myself in the future with him.
But I know leaving him won't be easy as last time he self harmed,

I'm so unhappy in my life right now I just want to be happy with my children but it's seems highly impossible 😭😭

When they were younger we had them every weekend, he worked away back then so couldn't see them in the week but would have them all the time he was at home. Now though it's more varied which is their choice, one is 14 and the other 18 so usually busy doing their own thing. The younger one tends to come every other weekend, older one tends to visit as and when, might come for dinner 4 times one week then not see him for a couple of weeks.

If you stay together, and he behaves like this, the kids will believe it is normal and that you are ok with it and it is all they deserve

This is what I keep telling my husband. I've said those words! I want to set them a good example.

You can't change his behaviour though. He doesn't see any problem with what he's doing.

All you can do is change yours and get your children away from him asap.

@noirchatsdeux

You can't change his behaviour though. He doesn't see any problem with what he's doing.

All you can do is change yours and get your children away from him asap.

I know, I've tried and failed to get him to see the problems but he just won't.

I'm in a good position as I'm not financially dependent on him, I've maintained my career and I have a decent salary, it won't be easy and we'll have some lifestyle changes but it's definitely manageable.

I just need to take the plunge.

I wonder if this was an issue with his older kids. They may be well adjusted and well behaved but was this more a reflection on their mother? I think you are absolutely right in considering leaving him. Teasing and needing to win against a 3 year old? No wonder you’re concerned. That’s bullying behaviour and shouldn’t be overlooked. If you thought pointing it out may resolve it but it sounds like he’s all about the winning ….

I think he behaved the same with his older children. But their mum is very different to me. I don't mean to be negative toward her but she's very dependent on people, she will do anything for an easy life. seeing how her current husband treats her I doubt very much she ever would stand up and say no this isn't happening.