I really don't know where to start on this! Firstly, I will apologise for the long post, never used a forum before, but really need someone to talk to & seek advice.
10 years ago i became widowed,but had seperated a couple of weeks before. My children at the time were only 14 & 11. I started a relationship with an ex from teenage years & was with him when my husband passed. He left everything & came back to support me, something which I never asked him to do. He never went back to his home town. I didn't have time to grieve & everything happened fast, but we tried to make a good situation out of a bad one. He brought his son with him & my boys learnt to love this little boy. I am the only mum he has ever known & treat him like my own. Fast forward...slowly I started realising my friends were not making contact & I was on my own.
I had major surgery which left my mobility not very good & needing help bathing, dressing etc, he became my carer. As I had always been such an indepenent person, I started suffering depression, as what little independence I did have was being taken away from me! He looked at it as helping me, which he was but little things I could do were stripped away from me. Sex life became less & less as it left me in pain for days. Even though everyday was painful, I was eventually diagnosed with fibromyalgia due to the trauma & extent of the operation. I wanted to get back out & start living. We were always together 24-7, he would drink everyday, whether it was beer, wine or spirits. I had become a shadow of my former self. We married 6 months after my surgery. A year after my surgery, my eldest who was then 17, left home & refused to come back, my husband had been nasty with him without me knowing anything about it, but I did pick up on certain things that I had overheard, which caused arguments when brought up.
He raised my kids from teens when they lost their dad. Yet they were not allowed to mention his name. As they have got older, they have no respect for him when he is horrible to them with words. My boys are now young adults & are affected with mental health. It is the way he speaks to them abruptly instead of asking them to do someting. My eldest told him to f* off and called him an a*h*e, but I would too if I had been spken to the same way.
He says its them that come out with nasty words, but it is apparently when I am not within hearing, but the only thing I have heard is him saying horrible stuff to my sons, it seems he has twisted what he has said and turned it around on them. When I pull him up about it, I get accused of creeping up and earwigging.
Day by day, week by week I am unhappy.
One adult child who left as husband caused a scene on the anniversary of dads death. His anxiety was through the roof. In my eyes, when you take on the woman,you take on her children too, whether child or young adult.
Am I right?
Young Adult child number 2, started suffering mental health and depression. Due to husband calling his deceased father all the time. Son Started getting into trouble with police after having a drink. Was brought home in back of police van, as calmed down.
I went mad, and then husband started shouting. Son got up fast and said hated this house and would rather be dead. I tried to restrain him from leaving the house. Husband said son went for me, which he didn't. Husband said son headbutted him and broke his nose, nobody else around to see it, he also said he was spouting off nasty words, yet again this was not heard.
So, first adult child was living in emergency accommodation. Myself, I was kept awake till stupid hours in the morning with him causing a scene, as he wants to talk when I decide to go to bed, yet he has had all evening to talk and had my attention, but would rather play games on his phone or scroll and chat on Facebook. This happened on a regular occurrence.
The end of march was the final straw for me, after his behaviour was nice one minute and nasty verbal the next. He asked for my help to get through this apparent psychological effect he was feeling and to find a way to get on with my son. Son has apologised for his behaviour even though he has no recollection of head butting him and husband having him locked up for the night.
I told him I couldn't do anymore than I had already done. This was 5am in the morning and had been going on and on since just before 10pm the night before. He turned to me and told me to pack my stuff and take my horrible bastard with me.
I don't make him a priority & onl treat him as an option, he can't wait for all kids to fuck off and leave home, including his own 14 year old son. Me and my son had enough, he had told us to leave once too often, we packed up some belongings and left. He is now pulling the pity party act and telling people I walked out on him and our marriage. People are apparently telling him I have a new man in my life, which to be honest, I would rather remain single. I am a 30 plus years depression and PTSD sufferer and just can't take anymore.
I stayed with my mum for 3 weeks and moved to a rented house 4 months ago. Apparently it was all planned behind his back. I also got my eldest out of emergency accommodation and the 3 of us are now together.
I have left everything and started again as he left his home town to support me when my sons dad passed away. I never asked him to come, he did and he has helped me. He constantly drinks, I pay all the bills. I don't know what he does with his money. He can't hold down a job for longer than 6 months.
I've had phone calls and text messages throughout the night, have to put phone on silent so I can sleep.
Apparently, I have never shown him love, affection, respect etc, and its always been about me.
The shit I have had to endure from messages from other women, asking if I am married to him and he had told them he had been single since December 2019 as I was controlling and that they were supposed to meet at a half way point. They are all lying apparently, he gets this all the time. Checked history on PC at the time, and there it was, half way meeting points. Secretive, puts a pin on his phone, found out this women's phone number was put under a different name of someone he was friends with. Local off licence worker messages me & tells me she loves him & i'm treating him like a dick & he can't wait to divorce me. Again, when confronting him about it, it's all them, they are all pyschotic.
He made a group WhatsApp for friends and stated he was off, just him, himself and I as he put it. But it could have been construed 2 ways, either he was leaving town or taking his life. I then received photos of a noose coming out of our bedroom ceiling, exactly the same thing my husband did 10 years ago.
He's told me to take care of his son and let him be rid of the pain. I have to keep going around to check on my step son, as the house is a mess, piles of washing, dirty pots etc and to make sure he has a proper meal.
He is a compulsive liar, he thinks he is clever and makes out that I have the bad memory. Liars have to have good memories and with 47 voice recordings over a period of 9-10 months of how vicious and vindictive his mouth is. I have had I am a narcassist, a control freak and a cash cow. When I bring it up his words are "are you still going on about that? that was said over a year ago"!
Its all about the money with him, Yet it is my hard earned money that pays for stuff and then he tells me its just material things.
When he speaks to me on the phone, i'm worked up & stressed. Last night I wrote down bullet points whilst he was on the phone & what he said about me, these are what I wrote:
I treat like an option & not a priority.
I'm unthoughtful.
He has no support/ respect from his wife.
Thinks marriage was a mistake on my part.
I'm still in love with my Ex (deceased hubby).
I base marriage/ Relationships on instincts of others.
I should come with a public health warning.
Don't bite the hand that feeds you!
The problem is on my part, I make him feel unwanted, unloved & worthless.
Now, he wants us to work at our marriage and me to admit that I have been in the wrong, by not prioritising, making him number 1, not showing love and affection blah blah blah. All of which I have done and more in the nearly 10 years together.
My job is more important and my number 1 priority than him, apparently. I still need to pay the bills, as they won't get paid themselves.
He wants me to sort my head out and go back to him and start afresh & admit everything is my fault.
I'm tired, I actually feel calmer not being with him, I am sleeping better, but still get the crap by him saying I'm making a fool out of him like he's already been made to look.
I just want a break from it all, I have missed out on 10 years with my sons growing up and doing fun and exciting things with them. I get the feeling he is jealous of mine and kids relationship and just wants me to himself.
At least 6 people I know, including a friend of his, have said to me, he is manipulating, my boys are a credit to me,he is too demanding, when friends did come round or I went to theres, he would always be with me & they couldn't have a chat with me or talk to me on my own.
I can't do right from wrong.
Would love to hear what others think of this mans behaviour! Do you think he is a narcassist, manipulator, controlling?
Would you put up with it?