Staying in a relationship that is making you unhappy but everyone else is fine …

[Getoutoftherain]

I’m finding so many things about my relationship difficult. No violence or abuse, but I do find my husband almost unbearably irritating a lot of the time.

I think that if he were to just somehow disappear I’d be fine. But he won’t (I don’t mean I want any harm to come to him!) so I’d have to deal with a lot of the irritating stuff anyway without any real compensation.

I don’t know what I want!

You don't need a 'big' reason to get out of a failing relationship. Although someone being 'unbearably irritating' would suggest a big enough reason. If you decide to leave it has absolutely nothing to do with anyone else other than any children involved.

What are the things you are finding irritating about your DH?

No I know that, but I don’t think I’d necessarily be any happier because we have children so he’s always going to be there, in a sense. One of the main sources of irritation is his parenting so that’s only going to be harder when apart.

How old are the children ?

Very, very young, only babies.

Do you work ? Have time off from the kids ?

I think this is a bone of contention. He’s so lazy, but then causes more problems when he tries to help.

He does work and provide for us, so probably should be more appreciative of that.

I know how you feel OP. Was just about to start a thread of being in a similar situation & resonate with the whole disappearing thing.

I know I should probably leave but the decision seems so "final" and I think that's what is stopping me on the off chance that I regret it.

Women always do most of the work in my experience and feel resentful over it.
But I wouldnt leave just yet. The baby stage is very hard. Mine are older now and dh takes them out a good bit

I feel like he creates more work and more stress. I hate him being around at the moment, which is horrible.

It’s such a final decision, and it has massive implications not just for us but our children.

How old are your children?

Can you get out on your own for breaks. I do get what you mean. It's hard.

This is a pretty common experience when kids are young. He may not change but kids get older and it is possible to outsource some of the irritating jobs to others. Paying someone to make it go away can save a marriage.

It’s not the jobs that are irritating, it’s him!

That's different if it's him?
Was he like this before the dc?
You can't really change his personality but you need to talk to him and spell it for him that if he continues to be lazy you would be better on your own but that you want to make it work.

I genuinely don’t know if it would be better on my own - this is my issue.

Do you work ?

Well there's no going back from the Ick.

‘The ick’ is really not helpful on threads like this.

Yes, I work.

I suppose you need to add up the pro’s and con’s and see how you feel.
Do you enjoy his company for the majority of the time ? Are you still intimate ? Do you get away and have time off from home ?
Can you afford to go it alone with the kids ?
Lots of things to think about, and no need to rush your decision.

@Getoutoftherain

‘The ick’ is really not helpful on threads like this.

Yes, I work.

Going from this reply, perhaps you're just irritable rather than him being irritating...

I’m not trying to be irritable with you but you know what the ‘ick’ is and where it came from?

It’s not some sort of scientifically proven theory, it was something that came about from an article in Cosmopolitan. Apart from the fact as a 40 something married mother I’m not its target audience, it wasn’t referring to marriages / long term relationships. It was about casual dating and meant to be funny, where suddenly you can’t bear the fact the man you’re dating leaves his toothpaste in the sink or whatever.

And so it’s not really applicable to my situation at all. I’m not trying to sound irritable with you, though.

When you say he causes more problems when he tries to help. Is he genuinely useless, or is it more not being done to your standards?