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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Wish to stop this paranoia

18 replies

VintageDreamr · 22/08/2021 14:28

I caught my husband once having a sex chat on Whatsapp with women from a different time zone. We had a talk and he agreed it was a mistake and promised not to repeat it again. But since then, my trust in him was not how it used to be. I considered it as a form of cheating.
Now he is working far from home and coming back to spend a week every month with us. When he is here, he barely spend much time on Whatsapp. But I noticed him spending more time on Whatsapp when he is away, even to the extent of being online at 3 or 4am. He doesn’t know that I am checking on his Whatsapp status (I downloaded and app for his whatsapp timeline).
I keep thinking he might be chatting with his friends, but it’s almost unlikely since I have a general idea where his friends are even if they are from a different time zone.
I am trying my best to sit this out and let it pass by because we would soon be relocating with him after 8 months of being apart. Sometimes it’s easier to just brush off this paranoia, but sometimes it’s difficult. Any suggestions as to how to make myself feel better without compromising this marriage?

OP posts:

Babyghirl · 22/08/2021 14:51

@VintageDreamr
Sorry but you have to go with your gut I agree with you it's a form of cheating, I would not be moving far away from home to be with him if I had these trust issues bear in mind he has done it to you. I would sadly have to end it if I was in your shoes cause I could never live thinking what's he getting up to who's he with when he not with me. But also If he can cheat through texts on you with out a second thought or guilt I would say he could and prop will or already has taking it the full way at some stage.

Orgasmagorical · 22/08/2021 14:59

Any suggestions as to how to make myself feel better without compromising this marriage?

You could start by realising that it's not you who is compromising your marriage

girlmom21 · 22/08/2021 15:05

Anything you do is not compromising your marriage. Him cheating did that.

I'd ask him who he's talking to at that kind of time of night. It's not unreasonable to ask that question.

Original poster

VintageDreamr · 22/08/2021 16:01

But how do I bring out that topic without actually making him know that I am stalking his Whatsapp status? I downloaded this tracker app where it will show on my phone whether he is online or offline without me having to access the Whatsapp itself.
When I first found out about his sex chat, he was initially upset because he thought I was checking on his phone. He said it’s an individual’s privacy and that he would never thought of doing that to my phone. But I explained to him that I didn’t (initially), the msg popped up on the screen and I happened to be near and saw it. (Eventually I did go through his phone to find out more and then only I confronted him)
I thought of asking him now, but I don’t know how to do it “by chance”

OP posts:

GoodnightGrandma · 22/08/2021 16:05

He lost your trust the first time. It’s no wonder you’re checking up on him now.
I would have left by now.

girlmom21 · 22/08/2021 16:06

Has he turned his 'online' status off?
If so, that suggests to me he's hiding something anyway.

The fact he attacked you for invading his privacy rather than being immediately apologetic doesn't fill me with confidence.

Original poster

VintageDreamr · 22/08/2021 16:11

@Babyghirl us being apart was not our plan when he moved job. It is due to the bureaucracy of the visa processing (he’s in another country). Anyhow, we expect to join him soon by the end of next month as the paperworks are almost done now and the visa application for me and my son are approved. That is why I thought of just sitting it out for now and if indeed his habit reoccurs while we are back together, I would definitely have to decide what to do next

OP posts:

Original poster

VintageDreamr · 22/08/2021 16:16

@girlmom21 no, he hasn’t turned it off, nor does he keep his phone with him all the time. When he’s taking a shower for instance, he just left his phone at the bedside.
But my paranoia tells me that he could have just block the numbers when he’s home, and resume his chats when he is away. By the way, the women that he chatted with were “professionals” he called it. I assume they were those women from the porn site or something like that.

OP posts:

FatCatThinCat · 22/08/2021 16:22

Sorry I know this isn't what you asked, but I think you'd be an absolute fool to move abroad with your child to be with a man you rightly do not trust. When your relationship breaks down you could very well find yourself trapped there.

FatCatThinCat · 22/08/2021 16:27

Stop talking about 'your paranoia'. You don't have paranoia, you have a completely normal fear that an untrustworthy person is untrustworthy. Talking about it in the way you do makes it sound like there's something wrong with you, that you need to be fixed. There really isn't.

spotcheck · 22/08/2021 16:28

@FatCatThinCat

Absolutely this.

Stop making excuses for him. You checking his phone does NOT justify his disgusting behaviour.

And fyi, he had to actively search out these 'professionals', and keep it all quiet.

Be honest OP- are you looking forward to moving there so you are better able to keep an eye on him?

There is no peace in that.

Original poster

VintageDreamr · 22/08/2021 16:39

@FatCatThinCat we have started our life together away from home. We were working expats. But at the moment, I am a stay at home mom as my son is small (we both agreed on that). He had a better job offer in another country (but same region) and we were supposed to move there together as a family ASAP if not because of this pandemic and the lockdowns everywhere including the public services. But now we have got the ‘green light’ to relocate together as his family

OP posts:

Original poster

VintageDreamr · 22/08/2021 16:43

@spotcheck No, not to literally “check on him”. But to be together with him as a family (we are married with a 4 yr old son) and hoping he would now spend his time with us, rather than being online and looking for cheap entertainment elsewhere because we are not there

OP posts:

Orgasmagorical · 22/08/2021 17:12

He's not going to stop that behaviour just because you and your son are in the same house/country.

spotcheck · 24/08/2021 23:38

He's not looking for cheap entertainment because you are not there.

Cheap entertainment is reading a library book, or perhaps going for a bike ride. Maybe knitting. That nice Olympian knits.
Unless by 'cheap' you meant the value level of his morals?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 24/08/2021 23:44

You aren't paranoid. You're switched on.

You know what's going on based on his previous form and current behaviour.

Stop doing yourself a disservice by labelling it paranoia.

Original poster

VintageDreamr · 25/08/2021 07:13

@spotcheck yes, exactly, I was referring to the morals.

OP posts:

layladomino · 25/08/2021 08:23

You are not paranoid. You aren't imagining that he cheated. You are right to be cautious about trusting him.

If you trust someone, you trust them even if they are miles away from you and you don't see them for weeks at a time.

If someone can't be trusted, they can't be trusted even if you live with them and spend every night with them.

You don't trust him. Based on your experience of him that is understandable. After what happened before he clearly hasn't done enough to convince you that his behaviour has changed.

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