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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I know it's wrong but...

27 replies

redwiner · 22/08/2021 14:03

I'm married, late 50's, husband is a good man but a workaholic who rarely sits down or relaxes. He's always been like it but I thought as we got older he'd slow down a bit-but if anything he's making more projects for himself. For about the past 2 years I've said I feel unwanted, sidelined and that he's not interested in me anymore.(we haven't been intimate for well over a year due to us both being tired and out of synch with each other). A few months ago I started getting friendly with someone at work and long story short, we met up about half a dozen times and had sex. I'm between we'd Email, text numerous times a day. He's also married and we both said we didn't want to leave our partners but just wanted some excitement... A few weeks ago his messages became fewer and now he's virtually ignoring me, although he says he's busy and when things settle down it'll be different.
Now I'm not stupid, I know it's over but he's too cowardly to tell me but I'm really struggling to move on. I definitely don't want to leave my husband but my life is so boring I really loved the excitement of those 2 months... even though I knew it was wrong. I've told my husband I feel unloved and he just says he does love me but he also loves working...
I'm definitely NOT going to look for anyone else but how do I move on from the excitement I had for that short time and being made to feel sexy again? I just want to cry with loneliness...

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 22/08/2021 14:08

Why don’t you want to leave your husband? You don’t love him, you don’t respect him, you don’t have a relationship in anything other than name, and he’s unwilling to change his behaviour to try and salvage anything you did have prior to your affair.

You both deserve something different. Even at late fifties you easily have two decades or more left - do you want it to be lonely and unfulfilled?

girlmom21 · 22/08/2021 14:11

I think you should tell your husband about the affair and allow him to decide whether he wants to leave you, to be honest.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/08/2021 14:14

@girlmom21

I think you should tell your husband about the affair and allow him to decide whether he wants to leave you, to be honest.
Indeed.

Would you stay with him if he cheated for two months? Don’t you think he has a right to know his life is a lie?

What do you want to stay married when you’re miserable and blame him for your affair?

SoupDragon · 22/08/2021 14:15

I definitely don't want to leave my husband

And yet you have cheated. Maybe he will want to leave you now.

Durbeyfield · 22/08/2021 14:17

You’ve cheated, and would like to cheat again - why stay married?

VodselForDinner · 22/08/2021 14:18

I know it's over but he's too cowardly to tell me

The irony.

Your husband deserves to know that his wife is fucking someone else. Tell him so he can decide whether he wants to stay or go.

bigbaggyeyes · 22/08/2021 14:29

You seem to want your cake and to eat it.

You've two choices, tell your dh about the affair then he can decide if he either wants to save the marriage, in which case he needs to change his ways too, or he leaves you.

The other option is you leave your dh and this then leaves you to find someone you want to be with.

I guess a 3rd option is you don't tell him and stay married, however I bet my bottom dollar you have another affair, if if the OM reappears you continue with him. Which really isn't fair on your dh

Peanutsandchilli · 22/08/2021 14:33

What goes around, comes around. I'm a great believer in karma. You deserve to feel like this.

ComtesseDeSpair · 22/08/2021 14:45

I think a lot of these responses are unnecessarily harsh. I’d say the same to either a man or a woman: if you’ve been neglecting your partner both emotionally and sexually for a number of years, despite their attempts to discuss it with you and tell you how they feel - as OP says she has, and you haven’t taken this on board, then you really can’t be surprised or upset when their head is turned by somebody offering them attention and intimacy.

OP definitely needs to think about why she doesn’t want to leave her marriage, because it’s clearly unhappy on both sides. But in any other kind of human relationship (work, friendship etc) where you were taken for granted for years and had your feelings dismissed, nobody would moralise about how awful you were for looking elsewhere.

GullyGull · 22/08/2021 14:50

You should be honest with your husband. Your post is all about how you feel, what about him? And don't cop out and say that you don't want to hurt him so won't tell him so you protect him. That's BS and cowardly.

Own what happened and let him decide if he wants to continue to be married.

VodselForDinner · 22/08/2021 14:51

OP definitely needs to think about why she doesn’t want to leave her marriage

Absolutely, I agree with this.

OP, why is it important to stay in this marriage? In a situation like this it usually boils down to one of two things;

A) You really love your husband and want to make it work. Now, that didn’t come across in what you’ve posted, but may be the case.

Or

B) You’re unable to function outside of a relationship. You’ve never been able to stay single for long and the idea of being without a man terrifies you and so you’ll lie and cheat to keep your husband in the dark so that he won’t leave.

Bluntness100 · 22/08/2021 14:53

Bloody hell the morality police out in force instead of trying to help. Sigh

Op I fully understand why you don’t wish to tell your husband and why you don’t want to leave and be alone. It’s not nice what you’re doing but it is what it is.

You need to figure out what you want from life. What’s making you settle?

Bluntness100 · 22/08/2021 14:54

@VodselForDinner

OP definitely needs to think about why she doesn’t want to leave her marriage

Absolutely, I agree with this.

OP, why is it important to stay in this marriage? In a situation like this it usually boils down to one of two things;

A) You really love your husband and want to make it work. Now, that didn’t come across in what you’ve posted, but may be the case.

Or

B) You’re unable to function outside of a relationship. You’ve never been able to stay single for long and the idea of being without a man terrifies you and so you’ll lie and cheat to keep your husband in the dark so that he won’t leave.

Ffs.

Or she doesn’t want to be alone, is worried about finances, doesn’t want to start again.

Dontbeme · 22/08/2021 15:01

Or she doesn’t want to be alone, is worried about finances, doesn’t want to start again

That's all well and good but by staying in this marriage she is stealing her husband's opportunity to find someone who will be faithful and make him happy in the long run. Nobody likes change, it's frightening to jump into the unknown but the solution to that is not lying and deceiving another person.

I think the answer here is not the husband or the affair partner, I think OP should get herself into counseling to unravel how she is feeling and why instead of sitting her husband down and saying "marriage counseling or divorce, your choice" she opted to cheat. She may say she wants her marriage but her actions say otherwise.

Bluntness100 · 22/08/2021 15:05

That's all well and good but by staying in this marriage she is stealing her husband's opportunity to find someone who will be faithful and make him happy in the long run

She’s not posted asking you to prioritise and help her husband, she’s asked for help for herself if you can’t read a post on someone cheating without becoming moralistic and judgey then move on. She knows it’s wrong, she doesn’t need randoms telling her.

Dontbeme · 22/08/2021 15:19

@Bluntness100

That's all well and good but by staying in this marriage she is stealing her husband's opportunity to find someone who will be faithful and make him happy in the long run

She’s not posted asking you to prioritise and help her husband, she’s asked for help for herself if you can’t read a post on someone cheating without becoming moralistic and judgey then move on. She knows it’s wrong, she doesn’t need randoms telling her.

"I think OP should get herself into counseling to unravel how she is feeling" did you fail to read this part of my comment? What sort of decision making is it to state clearly that something is not making you happy but you are determined to stay in the situation? That's why I suggested counseling and I do think it is robbing someone of a fulfilling life to lie and stay in a marriage for comfort.
Bluntness100 · 22/08/2021 15:20

No I read that bit and agree with you so had nothing to say on it. I was referring to your first part where you wished her to do what’s best for her husband and not her.

Hopingforabagofbuttons · 22/08/2021 15:52

Your DH has made his position clear, he loves working and there is unlikely to be any change in the immediate future by the sounds of it.

Maybe you could make some (female)friends in the area, arrange to do things, go to events etc.It’s very possible to have fun without shagging other men
You say you haven’t had sex for over a year as you’ve both been tired and out of synch with each other. If you want to get that side back how about putting in some effort, since you yourself admitted it’s a problem that you have both contributed towards.
You say you don’t want to leave but you really sound like you’re bored to death with him, so why are you still there ?

Muddledlife85 · 26/08/2021 07:22

Tried to pm you but it wouldn't work 🤷‍♀️

Going through a similar situation myself and know how your feeling right now 😔

Ignore the nasty comments on here....despite the situation it doesn't automatically make you a bad person ☺

People on here must live pure lives eh...

SimoneSimone · 26/08/2021 11:41

Do everything you can to rekindle things with your husband and hope he doesn't find out your indiscretion. If that doesn't work then bite the bullet and end it, then you are free to do as you choose.

idrinkandiknowthings · 26/08/2021 12:51

@VodselForDinner

OP definitely needs to think about why she doesn’t want to leave her marriage

Absolutely, I agree with this.

OP, why is it important to stay in this marriage? In a situation like this it usually boils down to one of two things;

A) You really love your husband and want to make it work. Now, that didn’t come across in what you’ve posted, but may be the case.

Or

B) You’re unable to function outside of a relationship. You’ve never been able to stay single for long and the idea of being without a man terrifies you and so you’ll lie and cheat to keep your husband in the dark so that he won’t leave.

B) You’re unable to function outside of a relationship. You’ve never been able to stay single for long and the idea of being without a man terrifies you and so you’ll lie and cheat to keep your husband in the dark so that he won’t leave.

WTF?? lol, what a load of bollocks.

VodselForDinner · 26/08/2021 13:22

what a load of bollocks

Maybe so, but we won’t know until the OP responds.

We see it time and again…

Cas112 · 26/08/2021 15:58

@girlmom21

I think you should tell your husband about the affair and allow him to decide whether he wants to leave you, to be honest.
THIS
heyday · 26/08/2021 22:58

Long term relationships can become very tedious and lack excitement. Suddenly someone new arrives on the scene and it can spark a new revival in a person. Sadly an affair is not reality and the only way to make it reality is for both parties to leave their spouses and start a new life together. I'm sure for some people this works but probably in most instances it doesn't. No moral judgement from me but i do know that if my DP had a sexual affair it would break my heart. OP don't wait around for OM to maybe get in touch again so you can continue what you started. We often desperately crave the 'forbidden fruit'. Get on with sorting out your life and finding other ways to generate excitement. I think your DH deserves to know that you have slept with someone else, before you do ever become intimate again. Perhaps he is feeling quite bored in life too and needs the thrill of his job for fulfilment.

Yanakova · 27/08/2021 00:29

Don't be to hard on yourself and your it's ok to feel upset about the end of a relationship no matter what the circumstances. A loveless or sexless marriage just leaves a void to be filled, so people ddo eventually react to it. Hope you work things out.

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