am I being petty?!

[Thatchairisnlur]

I’ve been with my bf/partner around a year. He’s always been shit at arranging things or leaving it late to organise. I’ve told him this makes it difficult for me with work as I travel with work often. I like to know plans a few days in advance. He works on a rota so he he says he doesn’t know what’s happening until late sometimes, though I fail to see how he doesn’t know a few days in advance.

Anyway. Last week I said can you let me know about next week and he said he would check on Friday and update me. We’ve been in touch the last few days and no mention of seeing each other.

Usually I would follow this up and ask or suggest something. Nearly always in the last year we then end up seeing each other every week.

I want to message and ask him again about next week but I feel annoyed!!! Am I being petty? Should I just ask directly? I feel like he just doesn’t take responsibility at all to do things together.

He is lazy and expects you to organize him. If he doesn’t like this, you cop the flack. Sucks to be you.

I'd wait, just to see what he will do. Not in a game playing way, just information gathering.

He's not very enthusiastic about the relationship is he?

As above- also stop being so available. He now thinks it's fine to just last minute call you and do something. If he leaves it last minute "oh sorry, I didn't think you wanted to do something so I arranged a night out with my bff/ sister/ mum/ aunt"

I don’t really understand to be honest. Why does either of you have to come up with “the plan” unilaterally? Surely you just get on the phone, diaries out (literally or figuratively) and decide when you can next meet up. Before I met DH, my previous boyfriend travelled an awful lot and this is what we would do and it worked.

@Aprilx

I don’t really understand to be honest. Why does either of you have to come up with “the plan” unilaterally? Surely you just get on the phone, diaries out (literally or figuratively) and decide when you can next meet up. Before I met DH, my previous boyfriend travelled an awful lot and this is what we would do and it worked.

Agree with this. When you’re together, why not have a sit down over a drink and establish which days you’re both free for the next fortnight / month and put dates in the diary for when you’re going to see each other? No, it’s not very spontaneous, but when one of you works shifts and one of you travels for work, you can’t be.

But if you want a man who takes the lead and makes an effort to chase you and pin you down for the next meet up - he isn’t it. If that’s what you want from a partner, break things off with this guy, and find somebody who feels the same way as you do. Expecting someone to change when they have always, as you’ve said yourself, been the way they have, and then setting up a challenge they don’t know about to make the first move this time is never going to end in happiness for either of you.

Maybe he’s with you because it’s convenient and it gives him something to do without having to think about it too hard. Back off for a few weeks and see what happens.

He works on a rota so he he says he doesn’t know what’s happening until late sometimes, though I fail to see how he doesn’t know a few days in advance.

Unless he's on a zero hours contract, this sounds like horseshit.

I specialise in rota organisation for large call centres. We published rotas 6 weeks in advance, and that's been the case for the vast majority of businesses I've worked with.

Notice of rota/shift changes is usually mentioned in the T&C of Employment.

That aside - he's not making much effort here, is he? Are you sure you're the only woman on the scene?

@BaronessBomburst

He's not very enthusiastic about the relationship is he?

Good point

His organisational skills may be of secondary importance here

Chasing someone is very tedious after a while and not great for the self-esteem.

He doesn't really care that much.
End it.