Walking on eggshells around son

[hiplip]

I have a 17 year old ds who has aspergers. My dh is very weak and has never disciplined him so that's fallen to me. Ds isn't much trouble, but he can be lazy and petulant so I've tried to guide him. A few months ago we found out he was looking at some extremist right wing stuff online and I immediately cracked down on it, but he's now punishing me by acting very angry towards me, silent treatment, horrible etc. Very passive aggressive (which seems to run in their side of the family).

Dh has conveniently remained low key and is allowing me to take the flak although he has admitted that ds is getting on his nerves with his attitude. Ds refuses to admit that he's acting like this and I feel like I'm going mad. I have aspergers too and I get very depressed at times, I have meds but it's not always enough.

Please, I don't know what to do. Is his behaviour mentally abusive and does he need professional intervention for the right wing stuff? We monitor his computer/phone usage and he doesn't meet with people outside apart from at cadets once a week. He does have an online game where he's been interacting with some people who could potentially be a problem, but they're abroad. I deleted the game last night and all hell broke loose with him emotionally blackmailing dh by claiming it's his only social interaction. He was yelling and crying. He starts college in two weeks to do a btec, so will get interaction then.

Does anyone have any advice please?

I'd say 'son, you know what, you're soon to be an adult and you need to decide what kind of person you want to be moving forwards. A kind person who means good things for himself and others. Or a cruel person who is angry at himself and the world. We cannot decide that for you. But we love you and hope that you make healthy choices moving forwards. Choices that come from a place of love not a place of hate. Because hate breeds hate. And before you know it, the world us a much darker place instead of a much brighter one'.

Then give him the stuff back and tell him that you've decided to let him 'make good choices'.

An open family discussion about his rightwing ideas would be wise too. Do your research first though.

I would have advised against giving him the stuff back but if he is leaving in a few weeks and will have access anyway...best not to make yourself seem like the enemy.

• however op if you have any concerns about possible threats to society from these rightwing views, please report them to the police.

Actually, thinking on it, he probably wont be able to play the game in college right?

I'd bet my ass the game is where the people encouraging these ideas are. So I'd maybe keep it confiscated and hopefully he will make more friends in college and lose interest.

Alternatively, I'm not exactly sure how to works but if its online gaming could he change server so that he doesn't play with the same people?

He's not leaving home he's going to college not University. He'll still be living with us.

@hiplip

He's not leaving home he's going to college not University. He'll still be living with us.

Yeh I wondered that after my first post. In that case I'd be tempted to keep the game away for a bit. Might be worthwhile to talk to him about online grooming. Because a worrying change in ideology is a warning sign of this.

Was actually just watching a documentary on youtube the other day about the murder of breck bednar. He met his killer online through online gaming. The guy basically brainwashed him into someone his family didnt recognise anymore. Got him to thr point where he was telling his mum he didnt have to do anything he didnt want to do ect... just entirely got in the kids head and changed him. Might be worth a watch if you search youtube for it.

Op that sounds really tough, my sympathies.

Regarding the extremism, if you Google for "Prevent strategy [your local police force]" you should find contacts where you can report concerns. Prevent is a counter terrorist strategy and there is a particular focus on far right.

I do worry about him being groomed, yes.

I've thought about calling the authorities, but didn't know how to go about it. I'm scared he gets into trouble, but I know there could be more trouble if it's not addressed.

Well I guess it depends on exact context but generally speaking he won't get in trouble for just having rightwing ideology.

I think if it's too the point where speaking with the police has crossed your mind, it would be wise to do that.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation s link sounds like a good place to start.

I don't think taking away his SM and game is necessarily the right way to go about it - you need to connect with him and understand where he is with this, not make yourself the enemy. He's 17, nearly an adult, not a child.

I think you need to support him to do more outside the home - if he's in the cadets, is there any outreach or extra stuff they do? What else is he interested in?

You shouldn’t have deleted his game . He’s 17 not 7
My son has aspergers and gaming is his lifeline
He would be devastated if I took that away

It doesn’t sound like you understand your son very much . I think you should try and see things from his perspective and then you might not have as much conflict

You think that talking to German, Russian and East European fascists online is a healthy thing? He has other games he can play. It's because I understand the situation that I've had to act.

I'd reach out to the Cadets and see if they can help guide him in healthier directions, whether there's anything going on in terms of community outreach/volunteer work he could get involved with. They may have policies and training regarding radicalisation and that sort of thing.

100% contact the police for them to support you in addressing your concerns. You are not over reacting - I absolutely don’t blame you for removing the game etc. I don’t think some other posters quite understand just how vulnerable a position he’s in. His Asperger makes him more susceptible to being sucked in by these extremists. You’re not the right person to address the concerns - he needs someone more neutral and experienced. He won’t be in trouble currently - they want to work with people like him to stop it before it gets to that stage. Just google prevent with the police and you’ll find information about what you can do xx

Thank you. I am going to look at Prevent I think.

Op I hope your okay, I bet this is so tough on you and I'd be frightened too. But I'd certainly call the police and explain your concerns and they could possibly investigate it? Does seem as though he is been groomed...
xx

Initially deleting it without discussing it first was arguably not a wise move and yeah maybe it is a bit...not on, considering he is 17. But other posters are failing to recognise that ops child may be extra vulnerable due to his aspergers. Also, it is under ops roof. Him having those connections could potentially put your family and home at risk so I think in this case you were right to act.

Even if it maybe wasn't went about in the right way, I think it had to be done. But trying to take a game from a teenager is never going to go down well. Let alone when there may be brainwashing from these ppl involved.