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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would like men's opinions as feeling very bad

26 replies

goldenwaves · 22/08/2021 10:40

Hi have posted on here before under different name but just wanted men's opinions if that's ok as have had lots of supportive advice from women but want a mans perspective if any out there who got time to answer?
I'm feeling very bad at moment as couple of years ago out of blue husband said he didn't want to be with me after I asked him why he went to a restaurant with one of his female clients in day and put in calendar as if with other clients but in fact in restaurant.
I confronted him and after 30 years of what I thought a happy life etc he said he wasn't attracted to me, had roving eye, wanted to be single again, there was no one else, started looking to get rid of my car which was on finance which he had initiated buying about 6 months before, cancelled some life insurance etc. I was so shocked as three days before was our wedding anniversary and he had said in card how much he loved me and thanked me for all I do for him.
He said he wasn't in relationship with this women and I rung her and she said same.
After five days of me feeling absolutely heartbroken and shattered he said he wanted to be with me and he had a mad moment and he loved me and such forth.
It is a longer story but this is shorter version😂sorry!!
He still is in contact with this lady as remains a client but I worry all the time and now suffer with depression and really bad anxiety as scared this going to happen again. Also feel unattractive and worthless. At time I remember feeling really happy as was losing weight and he was very supportive.
I just feel scared to bring up anymore as feel it could escalate to him thinking I'm going on again! But just feel so shocked as he was my best friend and one person who had never let me down but in the end was the person in my life who probably hurt me most😰😰😰
I now worry and cry all the time when he not here and when he or I out I am unrelaxed. I have lost my comfortable safe feeling.
I am not keen to say she can't be a client as he has other female clients but I feel so worthless now.
Sorry loads more I could say but don't know how to trust anymore or feel happy.
We have talked quite a few times since but I can't keep bringing up but I have lost me.
What do men on Mumsnet think?
Be honest do you think he is just with me because he feels guilty or sorry for me.
I want a blokes perspective.

OP posts:

ComtesseDeSpair · 22/08/2021 11:03

You don’t need a man’s opinion. You don’t trust him, you’re unhappy, he makes you feel anxious and depressed. He doesn’t sound as though he’s much happier. Your marriage is over. You’re together out of habit and because it seems better than the last unknown of being alone. But I can guarantee that your depression and anxiety will improve almost immediately once you’re no longer living with him.

Justilou1 · 22/08/2021 11:05

He’s with you because he thought he had a chance with this client and she turned him down.

Mushtullo · 22/08/2021 11:08

What @ComtesseDeSpair said, OP. There is no longer a viable marriage here for either of you.

DelphiniumBlue · 22/08/2021 11:11

So he tells you it's over, and then his next action is to try to get rid of your car and cancel life insurance??
It doesn't need a bloke to tell you that he is a nasty piece of work and you'd better start arranging things so that you are protected financially as far as possible.
Do you work? If not, best that you start to look for a job now. He's not someone you can depend on to be decent about finances if you do split eventually. So make sure you have details of all accounts/pensions to make sure you are not shafted further down the line.

Bluntness100 · 22/08/2021 11:11

I also think the other woman rejected him op, I’m sorry and he left as he thought he stood a chance. Men often don’t leave unless there is someplace else to go, and he thought he had a shot at that. He’s now there for convenience. It’s not about you, it’s just over

Tlollj · 22/08/2021 11:13

He thought he could get his leg over with the client. She knocked him back so now he’s being nice to you again. Next time a client may well say yes.

Bluntness100 · 22/08/2021 11:13

I’d also add @DelphiniumBlue is totally correct. He’s going to screw you financially when he does meet someone who will have him. He’s told you the truth he’s looking for someone else. And he’s shown you he’s going to fuck you over financially when it happens.

Get yourself sorted now. Personally I’d take control and end it, but I don’t think you’re willing to do that.

Freddy12 · 22/08/2021 11:13

Think he was turned down by restaurant girl
Don’t hang around as a plan B with someone who treats you like shit
Bin him and move on it will be better!

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 22/08/2021 11:13

He meant what he said, and either his bit on the side turned him down (most likely) or he lost his nerve when he realised the consequences.

mangowithasqueezeoflime · 22/08/2021 11:15

My ex left and surrendered his life insurance policy to me- one to take over and one to cash out. He met someone else but still cared enough to do the right thing on his way out.

The fact that yours would cancel the policy just like that is disgusting.

Branleuse · 22/08/2021 11:16

I imagine that youd get similar responses from both men and women here. He pursued this client. Shit hit the fan. She turned him down for anything more fun and so hes trying to pretend it didnt happen.

You are now left anxious, insecure and with your self esteem battered because youve seen that he has one foot out the door the first chance he gets. 30 years and thats the extent of his loyalty.

You are even reluctant to say she needs to go as a client. Thats how powerless you feel. Youre even wondering if that would make you unreasonable? Come on @goldenwaves you are forgetting your worth and your value.

Do you have any good friends you could talk this through with? I would also consider getting some counselling (by yourself) to try and process this and work out what you want to do and need to do and why.

Bluntness100 · 22/08/2021 11:20

I’d also agree you don’t need men, gender is not relevant you will get the same advise.

Are you financially secure? The fact he treated you so so terribly, it was a “fuck you im out and you’re getting nothing” is unforgivable.

It’s two years ago this happened though and you’re still crying every day. Scared to address things with him. That’s no way to live. Why are you clinging on like this? Is it fear of change? Financial?

Original poster

goldenwaves · 22/08/2021 11:21

Has anyone had this happen or done this and then realised what a mistake and regret it?
He said it was just a sandwich but was a 45 pound meal at restaurant at lunchtime that we had gone to in past.
Also I am so depressed now that I can't get my strength. We have been together 30 years and done everything together.
My parents are ill and teenage son difficult.
He tells me everyday he loves me so it is hard to walk away. I am scared and feel really bad.
I love him too.
Everyone on here is very supportive but it's so hard😰😰

OP posts:

Original poster

goldenwaves · 22/08/2021 11:24

@Branleuse

You are now left anxious, insecure and with your self esteem battered because youve seen that he has one foot out the door the first chance he gets. 30 years and thats the extent of his loyalty.

You are even reluctant to say she needs to go as a client. Thats how powerless you feel. Youre even wondering if that would make you unreasonable? Come on @goldenwaves you are forgetting your worth and your value.

Do you have any good friends you could talk this through with? I would also consider getting some counselling (by yourself) to try and process this and work out what you want to do and need to do and why.

I work part time but in a very stressful environment and because I feel depressed can't cope with work very well. No one knows there. They think I am happy but I have rung Samaritans few times. Haven't got money for counselling now.

OP posts:

Original poster

goldenwaves · 22/08/2021 11:27

@Bluntness100

I’d also agree you don’t need men, gender is not relevant you will get the same advise.

Are you financially secure? The fact he treated you so so terribly, it was a “fuck you im out and you’re getting nothing” is unforgivable.

I am scared of change as he said it was just lunch and so did she but it was the lies. If he had texted and said he was going to have a bite to eat and drop her home I admit I would have been a little jealous/insecure but a lot better. He has other female clients. Just so sad as feel like I don't know him anymore.

OP posts:

Orgasmagorical · 22/08/2021 11:28

It is hard to walk away but it's not going to get any better. The trust is gone. He has no respect for you. You say you love him but maybe that's more trauma bonding than love.

I was with my ex for 30 years, it's a lot of life to waste but there's not point in staying just because you've been together a long time. Do what you can to build up your self esteem and build a happy life for yourself and your son. I really don't see how your marriage can work any longer unless you get into an even worse state and put up with even more shit from your husband. He's already trying to shaft you. I'm sorry you're going through this, it's hellish, but you need to start standing up for yourself

Original poster

goldenwaves · 22/08/2021 11:29

Everyone has been get rid of him.
So hard when you love someone.
I know I want answers that I can't get.😰😰😰
Feeling really low today.....

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 22/08/2021 11:30

Op it’s not about the lunch. It’s not about her. It’s about the fact what he said to you and tried to do to you financially. Stop focusing on the lunch.💐

Justilou1 · 22/08/2021 11:53

Do you even like him, or have you just spent so much time with him (abd had your self-esteem so corroded) that you are too afraid to be alone or see what else there is? (Or that you might actually deserve something better?)

JustAnother0ldMan · 22/08/2021 12:19

I’m a man, and you don’t need my opinion to see what’s been going on.
As others say, the meal is kinda irrelevant, he’s was probably going to leave you for this other female and she knocked him back,
really sorry

Marineboy67 · 22/08/2021 21:45

He's all but checked out unfortunately for him this woman didn't want him.
So he's feathering his nest of convenience until the next opportunity presents itself. You need to plan for a future without this twat however upsetting. You've had a glimpse of where things were heading. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me!

BasicDad · 22/08/2021 22:26

I get the feeling that he's guilty and doesn't have the courage to end it. Quite likely as he doesn't want to be the bad guy.

DerAlteMann · 23/08/2021 00:49

If you want a bloke's response here it is.

The client. He tried it an and she said "No". The fact that she's still a client indicates to me that either he didn't try very hard or she slapped him down so firmly she doesn't regard him as any sort of threat and is happy to keep a business relationship.
The car and the insurance. He's cutting back on major "unnecessary" (in his eyes) expenses to build himself an escape fund.
The future? He wanted to try and make a break but it did not come off and he's biding his time before a second attempt. If that fails, he'll wait and try again. I am very sorry OP but I think it's over and if you were my DD I'd be telling you to get a lawyer, get out and soak him for everything you can get.

DerAlteMann · 23/08/2021 00:49

tried it on!

Catullus5 · 23/08/2021 01:27

Man's opinion here:

You don't need a man's opinion on this.

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