Any ideas on how to help my friend please?

[Pianoandpoems]

I have a friend (male) I have known over 25 years. I care about him like a brother. A few years ago (after he got divorced) he met and then started spending time with a group of younger people. I was happy for him to begin with as he seemed to be turning a corner from being depressed about the divorce, but it has gone on to more serious partying and now involves a lot of drugs and alcohol, late nights etc and he is not getting it together to work or earn money any more. He has confided he is in debt, and had to take a lump sum from his pension to pay his mortgage. I can see his depression coming back because of this, and I tried to talk to him to say he needs to step back and cut down his partying but he worries if he does his new friends will drop him.

I live in a different country, so can't be there in person to get him to do different things or take him out with me and my family, although I have told him he can come visit whenever he likes (covid permitting). We talk regularly on the phone but nearly every time we do he is either drunk or under some influence of a drug. I am so worried and want to get through to him that his lifestyle now is damaging him.

Does anyone have any ideas about what I can say to help him see how much he is hurting himself and his future and get him to at least cut down a bit? I don't want to have a big argument with him, or lose him as a friend, but I am so worried to see him going downhill financially and emotionally.

I think you're doing everything you can really. Ultimately he is an adult and is making his own choices. You can't force him to stop. In some ways I think you need to step back a bit, emotionally. You can't control what he's doing and it feels very stressful for you to be so involved from afar. Maybe you could do practical things like find out phone numbers for him, for debt/drug support etc. But other than that it sounds like you have said what needs to be said. Try to take some time for you and step back a little

@MakeItRain Thanks, yes I agree he is an adult, and has to be responsible. It's just so hard because he is like family to me, and I feel like I am watching a car crash in slow motion and can't do anything to prevent it. I will get the numbers you suggest and will try and get him to consider at least the debt one.

Alcohol and cocaine (I'm assuming) are both depressants. Unfortunately this often leads to self medicating with even more alcohol and coke. Coke comedown I believe is very nasty.

Do you have any contact with other (non party crowd) friends of his? Just wondering if others are also worried for him.

Could you encourage him to meet new friends who aren't into the party lifestyle? Through a hobby or sport maybe?

Ultimately only he can change his life. Perhaps the best thing you could say is just "Listen, I will give you whatever support you need, but you have to tell me what that is. I care about you and you deserve to be happy and free."

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation Thanks for replying. Yes, I am certain you are right about what he is using, although I have never directly witnessed it. I have spoken to 3 other friends of his, all whom have known him almost as long as me. They have been as shocked and worried as me about his decline and this new lifestyle. 2 (male) friends in particular have tried to talk to him, but they say while he agrees he needs to change to them, he just doesn't follow through. They are, like me, living in different countries and the main contact now is phone and video calls. We used to all be such a tight knit, happy, vibrant and successful group ... but it feels like our friend has gotten lost from us as we variously moved to different places for work etc. So sad about this.

Our friend isn't very sporty and his hobby, which was photography, is something he did on his own, it's not such a social thing for him.

I really like the way you phrased the last bit ... it doesn't sound at all judging (which I know he would hate) but just very supportive. I will try saying that on our next phone call. Thank you