Separated-now what were you entitled to?

[Picklybilly88]

So my DH of 11 years and I are separating (my decision). Been together a few more yrs than that.
I might sound greedy but he has a high salary of 80k and has his own business that was his and his 2 sisters before we met so I know there is no claim on that (and that’s ok with me).
I have worked part time up to last year as I did all the school runs, parents eves, runs to sports 5 nights a week. He did none! Not his thing apparently.
DH works mostly at home and likes to lay in his bed a lot! Or go down the local…
He has never financially supported me directly but I am grateful he has payed the mortgage and put a roof over my head. He said I ‘fleece him”
I pay for groceries, a couple of insurances on items and the house contents/building. Also DC has a hobby.sports which is £100pm.
I earn £1000 a month.
I never ever ask him for money! How I survived on mat pay alone 15yrs ago??????
He is telling me I am not entitled to ‘shit’ and he is not leaving the home (he owned it 5 years before we got together). He said I am lazy, have not ambition and should have got a better career than the one I quit! (I am looking at starting again and getting some quals). I am 50 yrs old so it’s never to late. Being Mum was my career and I am blooming good at that.

I feel rubbish about myself though, have been put down about many things. Everyone loves the party animal, life and soul DH but truth is he is boring as fuck at home!

He said I am not entitled to the house or anything and I will need to leave when DH is 18…

So….tempted to take him to the cleaners…😫

I do hope you have a really good Solicitor here who is well versed in the ways of such abusive men. Its not up to him to dictate terms re the house to you and he will soon discover that he is not above the law either.

I would call him financially abusive towards you and in turn your children. Men like described too are rarely only financially abusive and I see he is emotionally abusive towards you as well. Presenting a good image to outsiders is all important to such entitled men; you know the truth re him and they are not married to him. I would think too that one or two of your own social circle have their own private based suspicions about him.

He won’t be able to give you nothing and you won’t be able to take him to the cleaners.

By and large you will both have an entitlement to a share of the marital assets, the house, pensions, businesses, and savings. But that is offset against any marital debts. Defining marital can be complicated but generally if in England and you have been together for a reasonable period of time it will be everything in your name, give or take on pensions.

Depending on how you split parenting you will receive child support from him linked to his income. If he is PAYE, that is fairly straightforward. If he is self employed or runs his own business then his income might be difficult to ascertain. You can also apply for benefits such as UC.

Both of you will be expected to maximise your income in line with the age of your children and earning potential.

The biggest asset is usually the house. Neither of you will get to “keep it”. At best the resident parent can apply for a mesher order. This defers an order to sell and split for a period of time. But usually no later than the when the youngest reaches 18. At that point the house is sold and you need to split the proceeds at the sale value. It is probably not in your interests to do this as it will cost you money in the long run. Especially at your age.

Where it is possible the courts will agree to clean breaks between you and him. They do this by distributing the capital according to needs. Always take the capital in preference to maintenance (except child support which is not negotiable) and retaining any financial tie.

Child support is a parental responsibility to the child. You should and cannot really negotiate it away. It will default the CMS value after a year. If he offers to pay more take it. But if he isn’t paying more then go to CMS.

Yes, get yourself a solicitor and go for after your share: house, savings pensions.

Whatever you get he'll tell everyone you fleeced him anyway, so don't accept less to "keep the peace" - it won't help. A man like this is always the victim in his own eyes.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

I do hope you have a really good Solicitor here who is well versed in the ways of such abusive men. Its not up to him to dictate terms re the house to you and he will soon discover that he is not above the law either.

I would call him financially abusive towards you and in turn your children. Men like described too are rarely only financially abusive and I see he is emotionally abusive towards you as well. Presenting a good image to outsiders is all important to such entitled men; you know the truth re him and they are not married to him. I would think too that one or two of your own social circle have their own private based suspicions about him.

Not yet, affording that is an issue but looking into free 30 mins for advice. I have a close circle of friends who let me make my own decisions but the words emotional abuse have been raised. Definitely said some hurtful things which to him are nothing, to me they are.

@category12

Yes, get yourself a solicitor and go for after your share: house, savings pensions.

Whatever you get he'll tell everyone you fleeced him anyway, so don't accept less to "keep the peace" - it won't help. A man like this is always the victim in his own eyes.

Oh yes, mr amazing to all.

@LemonTT

He won’t be able to give you nothing and you won’t be able to take him to the cleaners.

By and large you will both have an entitlement to a share of the marital assets, the house, pensions, businesses, and savings. But that is offset against any marital debts. Defining marital can be complicated but generally if in England and you have been together for a reasonable period of time it will be everything in your name, give or take on pensions.

Depending on how you split parenting you will receive child support from him linked to his income. If he is PAYE, that is fairly straightforward. If he is self employed or runs his own business then his income might be difficult to ascertain. You can also apply for benefits such as UC.

Both of you will be expected to maximise your income in line with the age of your children and earning potential.

The biggest asset is usually the house. Neither of you will get to “keep it”. At best the resident parent can apply for a mesher order. This defers an order to sell and split for a period of time. But usually no later than the when the youngest reaches 18. At that point the house is sold and you need to split the proceeds at the sale value. It is probably not in your interests to do this as it will cost you money in the long run. Especially at your age.

Where it is possible the courts will agree to clean breaks between you and him. They do this by distributing the capital according to needs. Always take the capital in preference to maintenance (except child support which is not negotiable) and retaining any financial tie.

Child support is a parental responsibility to the child. You should and cannot really negotiate it away. It will default the CMS value after a year. If he offers to pay more take it. But if he isn’t paying more then go to CMS.

The house is solely in his name, although we are married 11 years now.

Its really hard to compare situations because everyone is different.

The age of your kids, how long you were together before being married, could you afford the mortgage if you were given the opportunity to buy him out etc.

Solicitors. And ignore anything he says. Raising children and being responsible for them is ‘not his thing’ so you need every damn penny to compensate for his shit parenting.

The starting point in divorce is a 50/50 division of the assets.

The important thing to remember is that he alone doesn't get to decide how the assets are divided. Either you agree it between you or the Court decides. And the court will be fair.

You don't need a solicitor you can represent yourself it's just a matter of admin and paperwork and then the judge makes the final decision. You will be expected to go to mediation though and in my experience this is pointless with abusive men so make the appointment and if he doesn't go, all well and good, go without him and if he does go he won't co-operate at all but at least you will be able to say that you've tried mediation.

Good luck - go straight for a financial court hearing and save yourself 3 years of arguing and £10k solicitor fees.

It being in his sole name shouldn't make a difference - it's the family home and a long marriage.

picklybilly88 has given you sound advice. Please don't get into a mindset of taking him to the cleaners. You will both be worse off - of course - as you will need to run two homes that are suitable for your DC to live in, with all their running costs. The interests of your DC come first and should never be used as a weapon against your XH. He will need a decent home to care for them as well as you.

All the assets on both sides go in the pot that will be divided equally including the house, pensions, savings and debts. In my case I kept the house and took on the whole mortgage whilst my XH had a 20 percent stake in it till it was sold. It is unlikely you could afford to do that - unless you could go interest only. (Assuming it is mortgaged). So you may well have to sell the house and both get smaller places.

Child maintenance will be calculated on how much the care for them is split - so if it is 50:50 then there will be none. If it's every other weekend plus a night a week it will be calculated on a days per month basis.

Nowadays spousal maintenance is not assumed to be big bucks so you will be expected to maximise your income to look after yourself and your DC.

By in “your name” I mean assets in your respect names. Whatever he owns and you own were combined when you married. There is some give and take on that. But after time for all intents and purposes the marital assets are everything you both own less what you both owe.

I would totally get legal advice so you understand the ballpark of what you can expect. Mediation is next to useless in my view.

As above
You won’t be able to take him to the cleaners
He won’t be able to avoid a split

All assets are considered joint regardless of names
Wgat is relevant is ages if children, assets available, earnings ( and potential - you’ll be expected red to support yourself), housing needs
The outcomes are multiple so you need legal advice

@Hekatestorch

Its really hard to compare situations because everyone is different.

The age of your kids, how long you were together before being married, could you afford the mortgage if you were given the opportunity to buy him out etc.

Probably won’t afford the mortgage but would try hard to if in that position. Together for 17 years total. Child is 15

@millymollymoomoo

As above You won’t be able to take him to the cleaners He won’t be able to avoid a split

All assets are considered joint regardless of names
Wgat is relevant is ages if children, assets available, earnings ( and potential - you’ll be expected red to support yourself), housing needs
The outcomes are multiple so you need legal advice

I really do, and I want to but it seems so final. Which I want it to be so don’t know why I am hesitant.

@Bouledeneige

picklybilly88 has given you sound advice. Please don't get into a mindset of taking him to the cleaners. You will both be worse off - of course - as you will need to run two homes that are suitable for your DC to live in, with all their running costs. The interests of your DC come first and should never be used as a weapon against your XH. He will need a decent home to care for them as well as you.

All the assets on both sides go in the pot that will be divided equally including the house, pensions, savings and debts. In my case I kept the house and took on the whole mortgage whilst my XH had a 20 percent stake in it till it was sold. It is unlikely you could afford to do that - unless you could go interest only. (Assuming it is mortgaged). So you may well have to sell the house and both get smaller places.

Child maintenance will be calculated on how much the care for them is split - so if it is 50:50 then there will be none. If it's every other weekend plus a night a week it will be calculated on a days per month basis.

Nowadays spousal maintenance is not assumed to be big bucks so you will be expected to maximise your income to look after yourself and your DC.

Thank you. I wouldn’t take him to the cleaners but would fight for my entitlement.

@JulesCobb

Solicitors. And ignore anything he says. Raising children and being responsible for them is ‘not his thing’ so you need every damn penny to compensate for his shit parenting.

100%…..absolutely right.