Should I end it with boyfriend?/I have a chronic illness.

[Fightingback16]

I have Chronic fatigue syndrome and I’m struggling so much with it. I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year and I love him dearly. After a 10 year abusive marriage and 2 years single I met him unexpectedly. He is exactly the person for me and without this illness it would be perfect. Me and my daughter have been through so much and deserve to be happy.

But my illness is making me so unhappy. I’m so fatigued. I’m struggling to work and parent and be a girlfriend. I’m very scared about my future and how I will support myself. This is not his problem, he deserves somebody who is not ill.

He knows about it but not suffering himself doesn’t really understand. On the outside I look fine but inside I’m struggling so much and I hide it for fear of always complaining. He says it’s ok and we must take the rough with the smooth but then he doesn’t have to feel like I do every day. Some days I can’t cope with this.

What should I do? Leaving him would upset me a great deal but should I let him go and have a better life? This is so unfair.

Talk to him about it? He sounds as if he might be supportive and help you. If so then why leave him. Give it time.

Have you told him any of this? I have CF too along with other conditions, I felt like this spoke to my DH in depth about it and the future etc. He was more upset that I wanted to give him a clean break than about my disabilities. Your partner may be the same, he sounds supportive from your post.

If it was a longer term relationship then in sickness In health etc but it’s just a year. There will be someone out there not like this for him. I feel like a burden and I hide it and push through but it’s making me worse.

Op do you want to end it for your sake? There’s an undertone of that in your post.

Why would ending it be better?
What would the positives of that be for you?

Aw, I get it. I'm on my way to same diagnosis.

One of the thing's they can do for CFS as I understand it is CBT to stop negative thinking. It can improve and it's a question of managing it.

You shouldn't make a decision about your relationship based on what you think he might want. You do you. So if you want him and you're happy with him, then no reason to end it. You should however be honest. If you can't see him as often or go out and do things then you need to tell him. As I understand it, it's all about managing the condition. And (I'm clinging on to this) it can improve.

Stop hiding it and pushing yourself through. It's making it worse for yourself, feeling guilty and it must be costing you physically & emotionally. Be yourself with the illness - it's part of the deal.

Let him see the real you. Say when you can't do things. Take the pressure off yourself to perform for him.

It may be that he realises this is not for him, and that will be hard and painful.

It may be that it reveals other things about his character, good or bad.

But give him the reality and let him decide what he wants.

It’s wrong for you to make a decision for him about the sort of person he should be with, that is his decision. He might actually love you and wants to be with you regardless, it’s wrong to assume that you know what’s best for him, he’s his own functioning person who can make his own decisions.

If you want to break up, don’t frame breaking up as some favour to him, break up because YOU want to break up.

But if you’re wanting to stay in the relationship you need to let him know how you’re actually feeling. He’s not a mind reader and healthy relationships involve open communication and you’re not actually being fair to him if you are deliberately hiding or lying about your health to him.

I don’t want to break up at all. He has managed to get into my broken heart somehow and made it better.

I just feel he deserves better. I absolutely hate showing my vulnerability. My whole life so far no one has cared and I can’t go through that again. I already have to deal with a mum who doesn’t care. Maybe part of how I feel is a due to the abuse I suffered. I was told I was a burden that I ruined his life and his dreams, he used to call me a parasite . I can’t help but think I’m going to do this again. I don’t want to hear those words again so the best thing I can think of is to let him go and find someone better. Why would he choose someone who is ill, despite all he good things about me which I do havez

Your last comments there - what you're saying is actually you are considering breaking up to save yourself the possibility of future rejection.

You do sound very depressed, which us understandable and common with CFS, leaving aside your history of abuse.

Have you had any counselling for the abusive marriage and your parental abuse? It could really help you think more clearly about what you want going forward.

I have CFS/ME, and a few concomittant issues. Now DH had to put up with bed bound me for a coupke of years - I was fit and well when we first met.

We have now been together for 36 years and he is as understanding, if still clueless, about my on and off again ability to manage to do things on a daily basis.

Your primary relationships seem to have taught you that you are a chore, a burden, to manage. You seem to believe that. That is sad, and self sabotaging. Sod your mum and your ex. Their inability to muster any empathy, to love you unconditionally, is a failing in their psyche, not in you!

Think about that - if your daughter was ill would you love her less?

Your new partner is, seemingly, understanding and willing to accept the times when you just can't muster the energy to do stuff. Talk to him, open up a little bit, see how he responds - and take him at face value, don't double think him.

Basically, you have a life, live it, don't hid from it! I tried that, it didn't work, I wasn't happy!

Yes I probably am depressed. How can I not be feeling like this all the time. There are so many things I want to do.

I had CFS and got mostly better, now have long Covid and back to stop, rest, pace again. If you are feeling really low and vulnerable I highly recommend CBT, it really helped me not blame myself and accept where I am. If you are hiding it and trying to push through while feeling awful this in itself will be increasing your fatigue levels. The stress will also not be helping. It is hard to explain it to other people who do not have the experience of an energy limiting chronic illness. Even my DH who also has long Covid struggles to understand as do many people who have these conditions as recovery requires such a different approach to the usual way we operate. There are lots of local and social media support groups that might be worth you connecting with so that you can share how you are feeling in a safe space with people who understand.

Also give him some materials to read like the ones linked here that explain it really well so that he can understand more where you are at. I describe myself as a battered old Nokia phone, I don't fully charge up to 100% even after rest and take longer to charge between uses too.

www.google.com/amp/s/seattledizzygroup.org/2019/06/30/ways-to-explain-the-energy-limitations-of-chronic-illness/amp/

meassociation.org.uk/

www.physiosforme.com/what-is-me

Please don't make a decision for him. Talk to him. He sounds like a good one and you sound really lovely so no wo dear he thinks you're great.

One of my friends has a lot of different conditions which basically means that her husband has to take on most of the physical load - work, housework, shopping, a lot of childcare etc but he absolutely adores her and she is amazing so don't blame him.

I have ME and a boyfriend of 2 years. I have been really open about my condition and explained that sometimes I just need to rest. I trust him to tell me if he is unhappy with our relationship. When I need to rest I tell him so. I sometimes need to spend the weekend in bed with the curtains closed and he knows that.

Talk to your DP about how you feel, your limits, your need to pace and that sometimes you just have to stop and what that really means (no he can’t just come and watch a movie with you because even TV takes effort).

If he is unhappy living within your limitations then trust him to say so!!

Don’t break up with him OP because he “deserves better”. CFS doesn’t make you lesser. Please look into CBT or something because your self-esteem is very low due the abuse you have survived. You deserve a good relationship and boyfriend.

Don’t break up with him OP because he “deserves better”. CFS doesn’t make you lesser

What an important reminder.

However I have me/cfs so also understand where OP is coming from in another way. Relationships take energy and it’s something in limited supply. The reality. I can start to feel fatigued and overloaded after even an hour in someones company, let alone physical activity. So It is perhaps a self esteem issue, but also a PRACTICAL one. After the energy needs of a job and a child, I would imagine there is very little energy left over, if any, and I know )from experience) how wretchedly ill you can get if you do too much.

Some people with chronic illnesses choose not to be in a relationship because it can be too hard for either party. Some people do but I suspect they usually meet someone who will either take a very understanding and sympathetic and supportive role, or even a ‘carer’ role.

Most people don’t understand ME/CFS and only see the scrubbed up “surface”. We inevitably cover up the “other” reality most of the time, not wishing to bore people 😟.

One way you could deal with the matter is have a really full and frank conversation about your illness in the relationship?

Eg you only see him once a week or fortnight? Would he be happy with that? Give him the choice. Realistically if he wants more, the dynamic becomes more “your (illness) needs first”in a way - is he prepared to do that? An hours time of someone special is worth 20 of someone one doesn’t care for. But that’s his decision. Is he happy to be flexible or to only really doing things when you’re feeling well enough?

Prioritise your healing ❤️‍🩹 OP. Maybe he will be part of that, maybe he won’t.

Good luck OP. It’s pretty tough when you have a chronic illness.

But either way, please remember to prioritise your health needs OP. See what happens over the next year or so. Try to be honest (with him and yourself) and not get too invested either way as to the outcome. Hard I know.

Most of all be aware /careful that you are not giving more than you have to give. See and hear and observe and feel what he honestly and truly wants “to give”. Don’t be doing the majority of “the emotional work” automatically and by proxy, …. fact is you are not fully able anyway.