How do I put some boundaries in place with my mother?

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My mother has had a lot to deal with in her life (abuse, loss of a child) but has always failed to see that we, her children, also experienced these things and were affected by them.

She’s leaned on us - well me really - a lot over the years and despite now being happily married still very much sees herself as the victim. She can be quite attention seeking and a bit of a drama queen.

This has really affected me over the years - it was part of the reason my marriage broke down and I’m sure is why I’ve got such a low opinion of myself. But I’ve done my best to accept this is just the way she is and try not to resent her (as much) any more.

Despite knowing that I’ve had a pretty tough time the past 2 years (got divorced during COVID and have found it very hard) she still turns to me when she’s feeling low and I need to work out how to deal with this. I want to be a good daughter and I know (even though it makes my heart sink) that I have to be there for her more as she gets older. But I need to find a way of stopping it impacting my life so much. I’ve fought to get myself to a better place and put the past behind me and I’m not letting anyone take that away from me.

Any ideas how to do this would be very welcome - she’s been chasing me for a conversation all weekend and I’m going to have to talk to her today 🤦🏻

What I actually want to say is I know you’re a good mum but you’ve asked too much of me since is was a teenager and I’m not doing it any more - talk to your husband or a friend or your sister or a counsellor because I am not one. I’m only just managing to sort myself out, I can’t do it for you as well.

I would say it would depend on how often this happens? Once every 6 months then you should try to disengage emotionally but otherwise suck it up. If it is 3x per week then you have more of an issue.

She contributed to the breakdown of your marriage? Yes I think it’s time you put yourself first did you read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward? Think it would be very helpful to you.

I think you should say that, you can't help others whilst you yourself are drowning.

If it’s the same old issues then I would suggest a counsellor for her. I would say that your own issues are taking up your emotional energy although you empathise with hers but you have noticed some issues keep repeating and perhaps a counsellor could help her discover how to get out of this cycle. Otherwise you need to disengage and not listen to her - she goes off feeling better and you are drained. If it’s not reciprocated she is being selfish.

I know you’re a good mum but you’ve asked too much of me since is was a teenager and I’m not doing it any more - talk to your husband or a friend or your sister or a counsellor because I am not one. I’m only just managing to sort myself out, I can’t do it for you as well.

All this is fair comment and I think saying it or a version of it is the way forward.

I disagree that you need to suck it up, you should look after your own mental health first.

Start being brave and cutting her off if she starts the victim stuff. It's OK to have boundaries.

OP, your post really resonates with me. My mother has also had a difficult life (difficult childhood, terrible marriage to my father, money difficulties, unfulfilled) but has never seemed to realise that her children were also directly or indirectly impacted too. Everything is and always has been about how hard things are for her, and she over shared and was over dependant on me from my childhood.

It's only as an adult with children of my own that I've fully realised how inappropriate her behaviour was. I had a pretty crap childhood in many ways and I am still quite angry really, especially as she just doesn't see it - it is still 'poor me'. I find her very draining.

That being said, she was in many ways a very, very loving mother and we were close when I was younger, and so I feel a lot of guilt for the fact that I need to keep some emotional distance between us now.

I usually see her once a week and have to psyche myself up for it really. I know she would like to talk more but I find it hard when any conversation inevitably becomes negative - she is a very bitter person.

Like you I have a dread of her becoming older and what that will mean - I have siblings (who also find her very difficult) but as I am the closest physically I know things will fall to me.

Sorry, not much help there, but sympathy.

Nedra Tawwab (via instagram) is great on this stuff - def worth a look

I moved hundreds of miles away it's much better.

It's quite hard work and a long process to change the dynamic of an unhealthy relationship. Do please read up on toxic parents and creating healthy boundaries. It's likely your mother will resist any change to the relationship dynamic, so you will need to be strong and stick to your guns.

You might need to reduce contact with her until you feel ready to make changes.

Thanks all - hard work is right!

@cheeseismydownfall we sound in very similar situations 🤦🏻

The Stately Homes thread in Relationships is a very good source of support for these kind of issues with parents.

My DM is an eternal victim in her life, mostly due to the poor choices she has made in her life. She had a toxic childhood and went on to create the same for her own children at the same time as using me as her counsellor all my life. She cannot see the damage she did to us. It's all about her and my therapist suspects she has borderline personality disorder. Unfortunately in my case I tried to reset the boundaries. It didn't work and I am now NC. She has alienated all three of her children from herself and each other. Hopefully you will be more successful.

I'd say don't bother. What reaction are you hoping to get? She sees what she is like and changes? She won't.

My mother never has. Just keep your distance and whe she goes on say yes mother. I have friends who are fabulous and my dm is the last I'd talk to over anything sensitive in my life