Grieving someone who is still alive - please can someone talk to me

[FoxesAtDawn]

I’m finding it hard tonight and could use some support.

Before I had DS (now 4) I would visit DM frequently. I thought we were close. She rarely came to mine because of MH problems and would find an excuse not to visit (we lived 15 mins away) but I would go to hers once a week. When DS was due I was blunt - she and her partner smokes in the house and they had two dogs - one of which I’d not yet met and the other was lovely but would jump up. But either way, I said she was always welcome here or we could met externally.

She was there on the night of labour. DP couldn’t drive and I wasn’t able to drive myself so her and her partner did two return trips (sent home the first time). She met DS when I was ready to go home - about 6 hours after birth.

She visited once after - just before Christmas (roughly 4 1/2 months later). That was the last time.

In the time before and after I would constantly phone or text and make plans. She would agree to come over, agree to meet in a coffee shop, etc. But she would always cancel. Half the time she would inform me after the meeting was due to take place.

We did have a text argument in spring 2018 when she expressed her annoyance I hadn’t helped them move house and I got angry because she hadn’t informed me of the date they were to move and what I was supposed to do to help with a 3 door car and a baby. I suppose that was the real end of our relationship to her. Looking back to me, it was before.

Since then I have spoke to her twice - 2019 and again early 2020. Each time was me reaching out and trying to get things on track again. Nothing since. She sent DS a present in 2018 (a toddler friendly bible, of all things), but she’s not acknowledged his existence since. He is the only grandchild.

Tonight I was thinking of the ‘before’ mum. The one who was kind and loving. The one who seemed to love me. She was always religious I think I rocked the parent/child relationship when it was clear I didn’t believe, but although we were argue about that I was still on her side (during the divorce, during everything), and I thought she was on mine. But then she disappeared at the time I needed her most as I just find it so hard. I mostly accept she’s not here - but she is. She still exists. And it’s so hard sometimes to grieve and move on because I still hope, and have tried, but she’s clearly not interested.

Has anyone experienced this? How do you cope? And how do you express the feeling of grief of a living person when you know others have lost their parents in very real terms?

I think actually it’s harder in a way. Much harder.
Have you had any therapy for it. Because it would be a start

I didn’t want to read and run.
In life, some people treat you well…. Others don’t. If the ones who don’t treat you well are family members or not, it doesn’t matter. Life is too short to tolerate shitty behaviour from people.
Please try not to romanticise about what they used to be like, or how they can be nice.
They have shown their true colours.
Don’t waste your time and heart thinking about somebody who has let you down.
Good luck :)

I'm so sorry OP, it's very painful.

I have been NC with my mum now for 7 years and it's a source of grief, but also a source of relief. The Stately Homes thread on here was really helpful, in addition to therapy and done bloody hard work.

The catalyst for me was when I was facing major surgery and I had already decided "I won't tell mum about this until afterwards because she will get hysterical, catastrophise, and make it all about her."

This was based on the experience of my sister being hospitalised previously for a serious illness and mum demanding i drive her to the hospital because she was too anxious to drive, then once we got onto my sisters ward she declared she was" too upset "and went out fir a smoke. My sister had asked her to bring things like a nightie, dressing gown and some books - surprise, she had nothing! She spent 1hr 50 of a 2hr visit outside smoking and subsequently declared it the most traumatic experience of her life.

Anyway. Lots of time in between but I have now been through the other side. I have grieved that I've never had a loving , healthy relationship with my mum that any child should have. I've worked on self-parenting my inner child. My boundaries are now rock solid.

Occasionally she still pops up in my head. I am able to sit with that feeling, acknowledge it, and let it pass.

i am immensely happier and calmer without her in my life.

You mentioned "MH issues" preventing you mother from visiting you (or her using them as a caveat). Would you care to elaborate on these?

It all seems very strange and it seems like your mother is not about to pass away any day, so I would suggest you start a conversation with her about her grandchild, and yourself. But first of all, those "MH issues" you mentioned need to be made clear.

Hi OP, I have been through similar, not in exactly the same way though. I think time helps you process it. And also therapy - a professional will help you explore your feelings and deal with them appropriately.

I don't think your mum disappeared I think you TOLD she was not a good enough grandmother to be and she had to change and she decided that you either accepted her for who she is or you don't .
You can't tell someone who does not like going out that you don't want go met them in their house and then expect them to leave their house because they are not going to do it .
You left your mum not other way around .

She has mental health problems that make it difficult to go out to places. You mention other stuff, but that particular issue isn't personal. Does she have a garden or yard you can see her in?

No answers OP, but I have been through similar. One of my friends has also with her mother. In her case after many years it turned out the mother was being coercively controlled by her partner and in denial. My friend is now close to her mother again after a gap of some 20 years.

In my own case my DM has not visited in over 10 years and just doesn't really know her grandchildren. It's a massive sadness to me. We do live quite far away. But if I didn't make an effort we would never hear from her at all. I've turned up after driving 7 hours to not even be offered a cup of tea, and another time she basically pretended she wasn't at home. I think I've been through the stages of grief and am past anger and confusion and now just accept it for what it is and have few expectations. I did try counselling and the counselor seemed to encourage NC. But I can't see what that would achieve. She was a good mother and I am grateful for that. I now accept it's more one way and feel more the parent and that kind of works better. She's not really part of our life. But I will always appreciate the early days. Since I started to feel like this I do think our relationship, such as it is, has improved.

I don’t think I would take my baby to a house where people smoked and dogs that jump up. I’m sorry she’s MIA - have you ever just turned up at her house?

Thank you so much for the responses last night. I ended up phoning a good friend late last night who really helped me talk through it.

I don’t even know where my mum is now. She didn’t tell me her new address. I tried really hard to keep in touch, send her pics of DS and updates of him. Ask her how she was getting on. Try to call (I had to arrange calls in advance and then she would cancel them too or not pick up).

Her MH has been rocky for years but never as bad as this. She has bipolar and PTSD. I understand it’s not fully her fault, but I’m bitter too as I stuck with her when nobody else was there. She was happy to travel up and down the country with her boyfriend at the time. She still visits her current DP’s family so it’s not entirely about her being a recluse and her MH. It feels personal.

My brother was estranged from her for years and I helped them reconnect. She speaks to her a couple of times a week (he’s in Oz) and sends him money. They are both deeply religious and think the world is going to end any day. I’m an atheist so I think that’s another huge part of it.

It's sad but you have no option but to accept that she's chosen not to have a relationship with you or create one with her grandchild. Whilst MH issues may not be helping, trust your intuition - if you think it's mainly due to the religion issues it probably is.

You've done your best to keep a relationship going and there is little point in continuing to try. What sort of parent moves and doesn't give their child their new address? It's very passive aggressive.The ore you 'chase' the more she'll withhold - it's now become a bit of a power game. Leave it alone and see if she eventually initiates contact, at which point you can decide if having her in your life enhances it or not.

Oh and re the snarky comment from Myyearmytime - you didn't drive her away by not wanting to meet at her home. A smoking house with dogs that jump or unknown is inherently not safe for a young child.

I do think that you have to decide whether you accept her as she is (for all her faults) or not. My parents very rarely visit here and I visit them every day (1 mile). DM is very unwell mentally and DF struggles with her care. So it's not ideal, but I visit them every day and accept that they are unlikely to come here.

Could you suggest that you pop over and sit in their garden if the dogs are kept in the house?