What’s “normal” in OLD?

[OzziesBat]

Reading all the OLD threads with interest as I’m just getting started. Trying Hinge as not interested in a hook up (mid 40s).
What are people’s experiences with the normal pattern of an OLD new connection - how long would you expect to chat to someone before they/you suggest meeting, is it normal that someone launches straight into low level “sexy” talk after only a day or so?

OP it really depends on you. I would start as you mean to go on and set your own pace and be clear where your boundaries are. I personally will never talk to anyone on the phone before I've either met f2f or had a Zoom (so that I can see the whites of their eyes and know they're a real person). The decent people (that I want to meet) will respect that. The ones who don't I'm not interested in anyway. I know some women who insist on talking on the phone before meeting so it's really horses for courses. Sexy talk after a day or so would give me the ick - but that's just me.

Chat and meet up soon . Met my now H within 24 hours of connecting on OLD . I didn't like speaking on phone or similar as I don't know these people. First meet is like an interview .

@OzziesBat

I agree its down to your own comfort levels - it can feel quite socially pressurised and fast paced so just “regularly check in with how you’re feeling and what boundaries you want”

Eg if you are extroverted and have a lot of free time and are up for going out and meeting new people you might want to get lots of spontaneous random meets in quite quickly?

Or if you’re more restrained with your social life then take more time. Though try not to build a “virtual connection” or attachment before meeting in person.

In general usual safety rules - I find just meet in a coffee shop or a public place where you can make a quick getaway or extend if needed works fine. Don’t feel bad about saying you need to go soon if it’s awful.

Similar with sex talk - unfortunately standards now are that it is something of a “norm” for some guys now (along with trying to push for a first meet at home etc )

but don’t feel you have to participate or keep communicating if you don’t want to.

The block/unmatch button is your friend. If someone is creeping you out they’re a stranger you owe them nothing.

There’s a lot of flakes and weirdos but don’t feel you have to “do stuff you don’t want to do” just to get attention - you can have no or very few meets and that’s also ok?

I try to meet up with people within a week, dependent on diaries. Endless messaging lulls your into a false sense of feeling as though you know somebody; and it’s also a waste of time to have been messaging for weeks only to meet up and discover you don’t fancy each other (or they’ve lied about their height, weight and age on their profile.)

Sexy talk before meeting is an instant block from me. I’m not a sex chat line.

Interesting, thanks all. Seems like excellent advice to stick to my own boundaries.
I gave Mr Sexy Talk the benefit of the doubt that he was perhaps trying to set expectations, but still a turn off for me. I’m inclined to go really quite slow as it’s my first experience of any kind of dating after a long marriage, but I’m thinking plenty of guys will think I’m just dicking them around.

@OzziesBat

Interesting, thanks all. Seems like excellent advice to stick to my own boundaries. I gave Mr Sexy Talk the benefit of the doubt that he was perhaps trying to set expectations, but still a turn off for me. I’m inclined to go really quite slow as it’s my first experience of any kind of dating after a long marriage, but I’m thinking plenty of guys will think I’m just dicking them around.

Things move much faster online than they would in real life so if they think you're dicking them around (and blow you out because of it) that will tell you a lot. The ones worth investing time in will respect your boundaries and your wishes. Good luck!

@OzziesBat (lol at the name)

There was a thread last week called 'Tinder/POF' and some great advice was handed out on there, especially around the notion of normal etc.

I'm new in OLD land and one match was straight into the sexy talk, so I told him that we were on different wavelengths and he was gone. Fine, I was suspicious he was married as he only popped up at 10 at night (the time my ex used to start his online activities).

You are in control in OLD and you owe no one anything.

@Getbehindme Thanks for pointing out that thread - good to see it’s not just me finding this difficult and confusing!