Controlled or controlling?

[controlledorcontrolling]

Nc for this.

Last night exH was picking up dcs at 8pm as is our usual arrangement. I was on a day out with the dc that had been planned and booked for weeks and I was unable to change the date or time and as it was during my contact time it shouldn't have been an issue. Ex's ex-gf messaged ds a couple of days before to say they had plans for 8pm on Friday night. Ds (he's 14) told me that this was happening and I explained we wouldn't be back until 8. I told exH about this and ExH said he didn't know anything about this event his ex-gf mentioned but spent the next days messaging me wanting to collect dc earlier, saying he'd pick them up from the place we'd be (an hour away), wanting to know what restaurant we were booked into so he could collect them, getting dcs to pass messages to me telling them if I didn't do as he said he'd go without them. No thought to my other dc we were out with Or what plans I had that he wasn't privy to. He wouldn't take no for an answer. He collects them at 8pm and what I do before then is not his business. I kept saying no and explaining that our plans were not changeable and that we'd be home at 8pm. He was then saying he'd collect them from whichever train station we were at. Again I said no, we'd be back at the normal time. He then text dcs asking what station, what time and was there at the station when we got off the train. Dcs needed belongings and because he was insistent on his way or the highway they had to go without last night and that's my fault for being difficult. If I'd just agreed to change my plans or let him come and find us (an hour away) then everyone would have been happy. I've said yes to everything, well 9/10 things, he's wanted lately but this was the one time I couldn't change things to suit him his ex-gf and my boundaries were firmly in place but he found a way through dcs to do it anyway. He says I'm controlling, difficult, selfish, and will never compromise on anything and everyone else agrees with him. Whenever I try to have boundaries this is how he reacts. It took me years to have boundaries. Are my boundaries unreasonable? Have I got it all wrong? I don't know which way is up any more.

Sorry for the lack of paragraphs, my app is being weird.

Nah you're not unreasonable, he's just a twat having a tantrum.

Why on earth is his ex gf involved in this?!

Usually the only person that complains when you use boundaries are the ones that used to benefit from you having none.

Stick to your boundaries op

@OnTheNatureOfDaylight

Usually the only person that complains when you use boundaries are the ones that used to benefit from you having none.

Stick to your boundaries op

Yep.

He says I'm controlling, difficult, selfish, and will never compromise on anything and everyone else agrees with him

I'd have nodded and said to him, Funny. Everyone I know says the same about you. Why was it - exactly - that you needed to try and ruin a long organised day out for the DC when you'd been repeatedly told we wouldn't return til 8pm? Why was it that everyone was supposed to dance round your change of plans? Next time you make arrangements for something book it into when your contact time actually is. Not when it's mine, then there won't be any issues will there?

He has conveniently ignored that his ex-gf is the one who has made these arrangements with our dc but not told him. It's all my fault and always will be with him.

It doesn’t sound as though you are being unreasonable at all. If you didn’t have plans then I would guess you’d have been fine with it.

Why 8:00 though? Seems late for handover

And why is ex gf involved??? Was she like a step mum to him?

Im less likely to agree to any last minute changes now after this latest stunt. He's told dcs it's my fault. Your mum is so unreasonable, I was just trying to help but she wouldn't let me because she's too stubborn and such like. Of course it's ridiculous that I don't want him to know where we are or the train times or restaurant because I'm scared he'll turn up. If he doesn't know then he can't turn up and I can relax.

Are you being honest with us? Or are you unreasonable ?

I'm being honest. I have no reason to lie. I no longer have any trust in my ability to know if I'm reasonable or not after 20 years of being told I'm controlling and difficult whenever I try to set any boundaries. I often agree to whatever he wants just to avoid any unpleasantness and accusations.

I think he is being an arse, but at the same time I don't think it hurts to try to compromise in situations like this. If he could pick DS up from the train station to fit his timings better, and didn't affect your plans (you didn't get an earlier train), you could have packed the belongings he needed in advance and brought them with you?
We regularly have to make plans which in involve meeting people halfway, taking two cars or adapting time frames. If everyone just tries to solve the situation it's much easier than digging in your heels and fighting over who "wins".
No way you should cancel your plans or alter them significantly, but also nothing to be gained from being obtuse about it either.

The train station is very close and wouldn't have made any difference to timings but dd needed to get her things for overnight. He was determined to get his way no matter what. I'm happy to compromise when necessary but it wasn't possible this time as it meant that Dd was without her overnight stuff and he doesn't have anything for her there, only ds.

I often agree to whatever he wants just to avoid any unpleasantness and accusations.

That's precisely how coercive control / abuse works. When that's happening it is an indicator you are being abused.

I daren't say no to his requests unless I have a good reason but even having booked tickets for events and trains doesn't make him accept no for an answer now. Ds is very similar in not accepting no. He'll be on the phone to the social worker today complaining about my unreasonable behaviour.