Feel trapped and fed up of all his selfish laziness

[hemhem]

Today has been the last straw, I made a plan today which ended up in a blazing row with DH because he's so selfish. He always looks after himself and rarely does anything without me prompting. I do all the cleaning, nearly all the cooking, all the kids mental load stuff like school uniform and dentist appointments. I work full time and earn 50% more than him. He is just dragging me down at the moment and I am really wondering if life would be easier separated. We barely talk at home anyway, do nothing socially together, have no shared activities anymore. I honestly think it would be easier without him. But then I look at the kids (age 3 and 7) and think it will make them so sad to live between 2 separate houses. And if they stayed with him I know he'd forget so much and they'd end up eating processed food every day. Am I better off leaving or trying to work on our relationship? Not even sure why I'm posting just need a place to vent.

Don’t stay with such a man merely because of the children. Would you want them as adults to be married to someone like him?. Do you also think that he as someone who cannot be bothered with anyone like his family would be at all bothered with his children post separation?.

You cannot work on a relationship on your own either. What makes you think he would be at all engaged in doing that?. The only person he only cares about is his own self. Better to be from a so called broken home too than to remain in one.

Please don’t stay for the kids.
Don’t waste your life in an unsatisfactory relationship.

I honestly think it would be easier without him

You know it'll be easier to leave him.

Children adapt very well.

As others don't stay for them, whilst of course their happiness is one your priorities, your own happiness should also be a priority.

He's not giving you anything in this relationship.

There’s no point in you trying to work on the relationship… sounds like it’s DH that needs to work on it, and doesn’t sound like he’s willing to.

Better for your children to have two homes than live with both their parents in an unhappy relationship.

Don’t stay for the children. Honestly don’t.

God no, leave. He might actually have to step up a bit. And they're so young. 15 more years of this shit will break you.

Both my children are very vocal about how much nicer home is now that dad doesn't live here.

Ugh you're probably right. It feels like such a failure. His parents are divorced, it was apparently very acrimonious (his mum only ever says horrible things about his dad) and I just don't want the cycle to repeat itself. I thought he would try harder because of that but maybe I just need to walk away. My family would be so shocked though, as would my friends. I can't talk to them about it they are all in happy partnerships where both parents work together as a team. I feel so far from being a team

You don’t need to bad mouth him if you separate.

I was very careful not to say anything negative about my ex husband to our daughter. She has formed her own opinion.

It doesn't always turn nasty op. And even still you don't need to be openly bad mouthing him to people.
I think you should speak to your family though so they know to give you the support you need. You don't need to do this alone.

Some days I feel so broken already, other days I think I should fight for things to get better and I'm not a quitter. I truly believed my wedding vows when I said them but I just don't know how to carry on I feel so sad and let down.

@hemhem

Some days I feel so broken already, other days I think I should fight for things to get better and I'm not a quitter. I truly believed my wedding vows when I said them but I just don't know how to carry on I feel so sad and let down.

Do you think he’s adhering to his wedding vows?

He probably can't even remember them. He goes through life in a cloud of not remembering things or being too lazy to properly think about them. I see this now, unfortunately many years later

Well telling him it's over may be the reality check he needs to step up and do his share.

Do some research and get your ducks in a row. Tell it's over and why. If he truly commits to changing you can give him a final chance. If he then doesn't change walk away knowing you tried everything.

It takes 2 to make a marriage work and only one side to make it fail.

What kind of research should I do? Do you mean regarding his finances? We have separate bank accounts, everything is online. He works for himself. I've no idea how to access that but I know he has earnt considerably less than me the past 2 years as I've been paying the mortgage out of my own account

I had a complete meltdown with DH a few weeks ago, we both work full time in the family business and I pay for a cleaner once a week.

In the mornings, I get up, fed and walk the dogs, unload the dishwasher, put laundry on and open all the curtains/leave house tidy. DH gets up, makes his breakfast and walks out the door. I finish by 4pm, and come home to repeat the whole process in reverse and cook tea on top. He comes home and falls asleep in the chair for most of the evening.

I just hit a wall. And have just stopped doing anything for him. It's been very liberating and I highly recommend it. He's been wearing the same pair of pants for 4 days thinking I haven't noticed......... I've always known he was selfish but suddenly realised that I was enabling him to be.

Are you sure he is not earning more than he is pretending? Why are you paying the full mortgage? Does he contribute financially at all?
Just be careful he is not being selfish in this area as well. It's good you are able to earn well but don't let him fool you.

If I stopped doing things round the house it would turn into an impossible mess. The kids make enough mess, I am the only one who ever tidies it. He just leaves their toys strewn about for days at a time. Piles of clothes all over the place. He buys pointless plastic toys of tv characters for their birthdays when I'm always trying to declutter. He buys himself a new pair of trainers every month. He literally has 35 pairs of trainers in the cupboard and more shoes than me by far. We'd have so much space if I could get rid of all his clutter! But then I think how hard it would be to juggle work and kids on my own, my career would have to take a back seat or I'd have to be brutal about saying no to working outside nursery hours (my job requires early or late hours some weeks) so I kind of need him around to cover for that. And the kids do love him, he is good at playing with them and takes them out on trips sometimes if I have to work at the weekends

I don't know what his company has made so far this year. He gets £700 or so in salary every month and the balance is a dividend in January, so I only know his 2020 earnings. He puts money into a shared account which pays for childcare costs and household bills. Overall I pay about 2/3 of all bills, most are from a shared account but the mortgage comes from my own account. I spend a lot on the house/kids. He only spends on himself

Honestly love, I'd split up with him and have an aupair to help with the children.

Say what you just said to him. Last chance saloon

He’d be having the kids 50% of the time, so you could work then.

I work full time, but my hours sometimes mean late or early starts. I don't want to drop my hours as I've worked bloody hard to get where I am in my career