Couples counselling - does it work?

SerenShine · 21/08/2021 17:10

I haven't got any experience but I'm really interested to read some of the replies.

I had a session with a relate counsellor earlier this year and their feedback about their couple counselling sounded so positive. I couldn't convince my DH to go for it though 😔.

Good luck to you.

lotsofdogshere · 21/08/2021 17:19

Relate counsellors are well trained and specialise in relationship work.
As with all talking therapy/counselling, much depends on the experience and skill of the therapist.
In your situation, working with a good therapist should help you decide whether it’s worth trying again, or ending it.

Snowwhite78 · 21/08/2021 17:21

It sadly didn't for me. My STBXH thought it would just be a platform to air his grievances. Every session was either him shouting expletives and leaving the session or not letting me talk. He didn't like to hear from the counsellor that he could possibly have been equally to blame..

Moral of that story is BOTH parties have to open to the fact they may carry some blame. And it is hard but that is what it is for. And it takes commitment and really looking at yourself however uncomfortable it is.

I hope your partner and yourself find the right path

Sunflowergirl1 · 21/08/2021 17:21

Not personally tried... anyone I know that has got divorced but said the counselling made it more amicable. Didn't save the relationship

meow1989 · 21/08/2021 17:27

Dh and I had some through relate years ago prior to marriage dut to some longrunning issues around trust and honesty.

For us, it was really good and actually just made us see that we were a solid and strong couple who didn't have any truly problematic issues, just a bit of tweaking needed. However I think we are a bit of an anomaly.

I would recommend it, even just having a neutral facilitator helps

Anothernick · 21/08/2021 17:36

We had counselling about 15 years ago. I think it was more a way of demonstrating to each other that we were committed to try and work things out rather than seeking advice about specific issues. Can't remember much about the specifics but we're still together and I think the counselling definitely helped, though it wasnt the decisive factor.

IS0D0RA · 21/08/2021 17:45

@jade22097

My ex left me a few months ago and started a little thing with a younger girl at work. I suggested couples counselling at the start and he said no. Now he has realised he’s made a huge mistake and wants to come back. I haven’t said yes or no but I want to suggest couples counselling. I just want stories of people’s experiences with it and whether it worked for you. I personally think it would be a great idea, even if it means that we just both agree that it’s over for good.

I your situation I would insist on living apart and “ dating” ( if you want ) for at least 6 months while you do counselling. Then you will soon come out if it’s you he wants back or just his domestic servicing.

You will also see how genuinely remorseful he is for his affair.

Original poster

jade22097 · 21/08/2021 17:45

Really interesting responses, thanks everyone. I’m not entirely sure if I want to take him back because of trust issues that he has now created but that’s why I thought the couples counselling might be a good idea. I will suggest it to him and see what he says

OP posts:

Original poster

jade22097 · 21/08/2021 18:10

@IS0D0RA that is really good advice, I’ll definitely suggest that if I do decide I want to give it another go

OP posts:

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 21/08/2021 18:14

I think one of the issues is that people often only go when the relationship has essentially broken down irretrievably, and it would take a magic wand to put it back together.

If both partners are actually willing to engage and do the work, and you have a good, experienced counsellor, then I think it can be highly beneficial. dH and I have had it when we were dealing with some difficult issues. It really reset our dynamic and has had long lasting positive effects. But I think that's a lot less likely when it's engaged in as a last resort or when one party lacks either the skill or the willingness to engage.

Original poster

jade22097 · 21/08/2021 18:44

@BuffySummersReportingforSanity that is pretty much my situation right now. We have a young baby together so it’s made the situation a whole lot harder to deal with. I know it won’t be easy but if it doesn’t work then it doesn’t work and we’ll have to accept that

OP posts:

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 21/08/2021 19:10

My experience was that it worked to clarify that the marriage needed to end.

Counsellor asked us what we admired about each other. I said his best quality was his courage, and gave several examples.

He said I was really good at spelling so it was great that I could deal with all the family admin.

🙄🤔😒

Counsellor tried her best but couldn't quite cover her shocked reaction. We had one session after that and she was not surprised when I cancelled the rest.

TossaCoinToYerWitcher · 21/08/2021 19:22

Moral of that story is BOTH parties have to open to the fact they may carry some blame. And it is hard but that is what it is for. And it takes commitment and really looking at yourself however uncomfortable it is.

This. If one of you is straying/cheating and got one foot out of the relationship, then its usually advised not to bother as they'll only lie to the counsellor, say what they think people want to hear as opposed to the truth or else refuse to co-operate because they feel judged.

My ex and I had about four weeks of counselling, to the point the counsellor congratulated us and felt we had a future, only for my ex to reveal a week later that she'd basically lied throughout the entire process as she felt she was being "judged". She only agreed to go because she thought it would be some magic panacea that would sort everything out, without her having to take any responsibility at all.

Original poster

jade22097 · 21/08/2021 19:49

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation wow!! Bet you’re glad to be out of that one, how could he not come up with something else

OP posts:

Original poster

jade22097 · 21/08/2021 19:51

@TossaCoinToYerWitcher that sounds tough. I’m planning on talking to him about it beforehand and having a proper discussion about what we would like to gain from it. He has lied many times in the past but recently when I have spoken to him about things he has almost been made to face it all and has been open and honest

OP posts:

myheartskippedabeat · 21/08/2021 19:55

@jade22097

In my experience they are an ex for a reason
You having him back after he's had an affair is giving him the green light to do it again as he will assume you'll have him back again (if you do this time)

No amount of counselling is going to change what he's done and unto be honest you deserve better ❤️

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 21/08/2021 19:56

I know right?!

I think a PPs suggestion of dating and counselling was really good. It would show genuine effort on his part.

Islay17 · 21/08/2021 20:03

I have tryed counciling after my partner cheated on my, I wanted it more for my mental health as I have a child and didn't want him to suffer, we when through it about 5 months after a found out and we did work it out, it helped me! Don't get me wrong it's not totally taken the pain away or helped with trust but I would highly recommend, am actully looking to start it again just for my Insecurities x

ChunkyMonkey2020 · 21/08/2021 20:09

Me and my husband had counselling.

I'd had an affair and we had decided to split. But we had counselling to try and see if there was anything to salvage.

It didn't save our relationship, but it made us see things differently and leave the marriage amicably.

A year later we are really good friends, and who knows what the future holds for us.

Original poster

jade22097 · 21/08/2021 20:21

@myheartskippedabeat I do agree with you 100% but he didn’t cheat, he ended it and then started seeing the other girl. I knew that he knew all along it was wrong but it was just about admitting it to himself. But thank you, I appreciate your response x

OP posts:

Kiwirose · 21/08/2021 20:45

We have just completed counselling through Relate and I have to say it was really helpful. It made us see things from other perspectives and work out a few issues - particularly where we were both entrenched on our own perspective. Initially my husband wasn't keen but our counsellor was great and my husband grew to really like him.

I would definitely recommend it.

myheartskippedabeat · 21/08/2021 20:47

[quote jade22097]@myheartskippedabeat I do agree with you 100% but he didn’t cheat, he ended it and then started seeing the other girl. I knew that he knew all along it was wrong but it was just about admitting it to himself. But thank you, I appreciate your response x[/quote]
Please be kind to yourself is what I'm saying