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Original poster

Separated Parents

23 replies

Justmeandthree · 20/08/2021 23:34

Who should make childcare arrangements?

So basically I made plans with girls from work for this weekend, my little boy was due to go hi dads and it's his weekend with him, however he sent me a message saying he couldn't come as he was working. I asked if he could arrange childcare, for our son to go to grandparents, as that is where he goes anyway and I told him I had made plans...he said 'so you want me to ask my mum and dad to look after son so you can go out on the piss?'

I replied a few times politely and he gave abuse back...basically saying I'm fobbing my son off so I can get 'pissed and laid'
Was I wrong to ask him to arrange childcare? Should I have cancelled my plans? I've since arranged childcare as I kind of knew he would cancel this weekend as it isn't the first time this has happened.

I was shaking when he was texting me, he made me feel so bad about going out and leaving son with someone else...

OP posts:
PumpkinKlNG · 20/08/2021 23:42

Hmm I think if your ex cancels you can ask him to sort out alternative child care but if he won’t or doesn’t want to then you can’t do anything about it? He just won’t show up? So sadly I think it’s on you, do you have contact with his parents so you can ask them directly?

Original poster
Justmeandthree · 20/08/2021 23:45

He did ask them (apparently) and they couldn't have him.

He is a pathological liar though so I don't believe anything that comes from his mouth. He probably isn't even working this weekend, he's lied about that before.

OP posts:
Original poster
Justmeandthree · 20/08/2021 23:46

I wouldn't want to ask them myself no, if I was to sort childcare I can only ask my best friend, I have no family to ask.

OP posts:
Danikm151 · 20/08/2021 23:48

When my son’s dad has cancelled it’s generally on to me make arrangements as he doesn’t use his initiative.
After a certain number of times I told him he will need to pay for nursery that afternoon as I have to work and can’t take that time off.

If you have set days in place there’s nothing wring with you making plans

Danikm151 · 20/08/2021 23:48

Wrong!

Original poster
Justmeandthree · 20/08/2021 23:55

I don't make plans when it's my time with the kids. They (should) go to their dads EOW, This will be the first time I've been out with the girls since Christmas 2018! When me and sons dad was together he would sulk on the odd occasion I went out so I stopped bothering in the end and stayed in.

OP posts:
PumpkinKlNG · 21/08/2021 00:16

You can ask him to make arrangements but like I said if he isn’t going to pick him up then not much you can do about it. My ex use to cancel if it was raining Confused

RainbowMum11 · 21/08/2021 00:34

If it's his time to have his child/children then it's his responsibility to sort childcare of his situation changes.

coffy11 · 21/08/2021 00:49

Of course it's his responsibility to arrange childcare, he's a jerk

BettyAndFrank · 21/08/2021 00:56

Yes, he should arrange child care, but he won’t as this shit is an extension of him trying to control you and your life…

BettyAndFrank · 21/08/2021 00:58

The detail in the language he’s used…”so you can get pissed and get laid” shows this…

thefourgp · 21/08/2021 01:07

You have my sympathies OP. My ex is the same. He only sees them 1/14 days (not overnight) so I have very little time to myself and he’s cancelled next week without arranging alternative childcare (he lives with his parents and his mum usually does most of the care anyway) because he’s going on holiday with his girlfriend. He told his brother over 3 years ago when we split that he’d never take the kids in a Friday or Saturday night (that soon changed to any night) because he doesn’t want me having a social life or getting into a new relationship. It’s completely unfair but I’ve learned not to rely on him at all and don’t waste my time and energy trying to reason or argue with him. It’s a waste of time. As with your ex, they’re shit fathers and all the bullshit they come out with is because they don’t want to publicly admit they don’t want to care for their children.

unicornsarereal72 · 21/08/2021 09:38

In an ideal world he should be making alternative arrangements when he has the children. He clearly likes to have some control over you. So I wouldn't engage if I were you. I know it is rubbish as you have made plans. I wouldn't depend upon him for any arrangements.

I have had 4 years of flaky contact from kids dad. He has recently step up and honoured his eow as there is a new girl friend on the scene. He has even done 2 extra days of the summer holidays. The first time in 14 years of having the kids he has graciously given up his time to 'help' out!

Cakequeen1988 · 21/08/2021 10:17

Is the split of care court arranged? If you wanted to play hardball with him go down the court route and it will very definitely be his problem to arrange childcare if he isn’t available.

However that can cause issues of its own and if you don’t want to do that I’d arrange to have a wider support network than 1 friend even if you have to pay babysitters etc so that he cannot control you via dropped childcare.

I would also from now on not share at all what you are doing at a weekend. Just say unavailable/at an appointment

Original poster
Justmeandthree · 21/08/2021 12:15

I didn't tell him what I had planned. He just presumed as always. Thanks for the replies

OP posts:
PumpkinKlNG · 21/08/2021 13:05

Even a court can force him to have his child or arrange child care.

GrandmasCat · 21/08/2021 13:08

If it is his weekend he should make arrangements himself but as you know, when it comes to irresponsible entitled exes like this, you will need to make arrangements yourself or cancel your plans because he doesn’t care enough.

GrandmasCat · 21/08/2021 13:12

Courts can’t force contact that is not wanted I’m afraid, they can force a parent to make the child available to the other parent but can’t force an uninterested parent to make themselves available for contact. So sadly, no need to waste money on courts on this case.

Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 21/08/2021 13:13

Find a reputable babysitter. Once he knows he can't hold 'babysitting his own dc' over you life will become better...
My mate's exh did this if he got a sniff she had plans...

moofolk · 21/08/2021 16:15

It's totally his responsibility in theory but he sounds like a used piece of shit so realistically it's up to you to sort.

Minimum he could do would be to pay for a babysitter, or even not be a dick about it, but sounds like he won't even do that.

Sorry to hear you're in this position OP, I hope you get your night out.

Original poster
Justmeandthree · 22/08/2021 18:47

Thank you for all your replies. I did have a night out yes. My friend gave my boy a night off his Mummy and I got to let my hair down for the first time in a very long time. I didnt go overboard, as I didnt want to be rough for today knowing I had son to care for. I missed him so much and give him the biggest cuddle when he came home!

OP posts:
thefourgp · 22/08/2021 20:00

I’m glad to hear you went out and enjoyed yourself OP. Good for you.

Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 22/08/2021 20:32

And now you know your ex doesn't have quite as big a hold over you as he thinks he has!!

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