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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Anyone experience being separate but still living together?

15 replies

Imagineit · 20/08/2021 21:27

I realise this is unsustainable but it's our current situation. By day we co parent DS sometimes together, sometimes with separate time, by evening we are totally separate. It's working right now, I'm at least 'happier' than I was being together and I'm getting to know me again.

Anyone else in this situation?

We get on better separate than together somehow. I'm not naive enough to think this is how it will stay nor do I want to but it's... ok

OP posts:

Treacletoots · 20/08/2021 21:31

And what happens when one of you starts dating?

Rip the plaster off OP. It's a recipe for disaster. Take it from me, I've been here, got the t shirt, nearly throttled my ex and finally found the courage to end it properly. You're just delaying the inevitable and stopping yourself from properly moving on.

Original poster

Imagineit · 20/08/2021 22:05

Totally get your point @Treacletoots and Its heading that way and I'm not trying to romanticise it at all. It's tricky and complicated and a situation you have to take day by day. Right now, dating someone new is the furthest from my mind and for him there are many reasons why I know that isn't on the cards. It isn't sustainable and ulymtimately it will have to be a total separation but it not horrendous as it is so that's something!

OP posts:

MrsSiba · 20/08/2021 22:10

I understand what you mean, in a similar situation where we have been living separate lives for best part of 3 years. We do stuff together with the children but nothing together like meals out. I cannot bear the thought of hurting the children if he does leave.
We should try and think of ourselves but it's so hard isn't it?

Mistieb · 20/08/2021 22:10

I did it for 2.5 years

It went downhill quite quickly and was easily the darkest time in my life

I highly recommend getting out while things are reasonable

Hopeful22 · 21/08/2021 20:19

Oh god me. But only out of pure desperation. He won't move out , out of spite - it's unbearable I hate it , if I had the money I would be out of here like a hot snot.
Sorry I know it works for some people but with hostility and animosity it's sheer hell.

Threebagsfullxyz · 21/08/2021 21:18

Yep, another one in the same situation. As you describe. The focus is on dc. Too complicated/difficult to make any changes right now. I work hard to keep it all amicable but I feel a lot of animosity (for reasons I don't want to go into) and I have to work doubly hard to keep it all calm.

I'm trying to build more of a life outside of the house (sahm). Difficult with covid. Don't want to tell anyone in real life (apart from therapist) that this is how I live.

Doidontimmm · 21/08/2021 21:38

It was unbearable, one of the worst years of my life.

Teacupsandtoast · 21/08/2021 21:53

Yes. 2 years in. Was all ready to be bought out/move house and then covid struck. Bunkered down and this is it for the forseeable. Things generally work ok - each of us gets time to do our own thing, we co-parent fine and probably rub along better now than we did in marriage. Very few real life people know the situation though which makes it quite hard

Winter2019 · 21/08/2021 22:03

I think if both act like adults and really focuse on the children and have the respect for each other,it's possible! Know a couple like this. Only could get tricky when one of yous find someone else...

Pregnantpeppa · 21/08/2021 22:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 21/08/2021 22:16

I managed it for about 6 months. It was okay until one day I got home from a stressful day work and he started blathering on about something he'd been watching on TV and I was paying no attention, just focusing on getting myself some tea cooked. He didn't like my lack of attention and said "Oh, don't you care then?" and I said "No I don't, why would I?"

From that point on it was a living hell, I was always apprehensive every day that when I got home from work I would find he'd changed the locks or thrown all my stuff on the front walk. I started moving my most essential possessions to work as I suspected he would hide or destroy them.

DS was weaponised and told by him every day that I didn't care about ds because I had a secret new boyfriend (in fact I didn't date until 3 years after we split). Or he would tell DS that it was DS's fault that we were splitting up because "you always ruin everything" (DS had no behavioural problems... Until then)

TL;DR - get out of there as soon as logistically possible.

marly11 · 21/08/2021 22:17

I was forced to do it, having split with DP just before lockdown (as I was waiting until after Xmas before splitting). It's no way to live. I was utterly desperate for separation and at the point he moved out I could then breathe and my life really was renewed. There was nothing I could do about the delay because it was my house and he was determined to buy not rent, but that period did nearly drive me mad. It was a hellish few months and I had several of my 'daily walks' in tears with a friend trying to carry me through it. Life now is just so so much better. I hope it moves on quickly for you.

Stillfunny · 22/08/2021 06:10

I did this for over two years including during lockdown. He refused to leave until he had a job and somewhere to go. He had cheated and I made his daily life hellish , I 'll admit. When I wasn't spewing hatred towards him , I was crying . Horrible atmosphere in the house and affected everyone that came in contact with us , including my adult DCs. But just showed how lazy he was that he still stayed. No way would I have put up with it . But I had always warned him that infidelity was an absolute deal breaker for me . And I was so resentful of how he had led a double life and left me wondering what was going on. I am so much less burdened now although still struggling to move on past anger and hurt. Toxic situation which does nobody any good.

Humblpi · 22/08/2021 06:13

Yes, did it for 2yrs due to finances/childcare and as above i would count those as my darkest days. Life instantly got lighter when i was released from his money-prison.

Threebagsfullxyz · 24/08/2021 17:47

And your comment about getting to know me again resonates op. I'm taking the time to do that...I need to see positives where I can. I think it will force me to get out of the house a bit more and socialise. At the moment, with very little extended family (and all male), I need a bit more regular contact (sahm - youngest dc starting pre-school). I think this is the next area I'm going to focus on...perfectly okay to keep myself occupied in my own company. But then I get a bout of cabin fever and wish I had someone to do other things with.

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