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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

NC with enabling father

3 replies

Asiama · 20/08/2021 21:26

Quick childhood background - narc mother, emotional abuse as a child, sympathetic father who made the right noises about how awful it is for me and how he is also being abused but in hindsight he made himself look like the bigger victim so that I felt bad for him, never protected me.

I am NC with my mother. I had a weak moment when DS was born and accepted a visit from her together with my father. Huge mistake, and I told her last week I will never do that again.

My dad now refuses to come to visit me unless my mother can come too, because apparently that would be a sin (they are Christians). He would rather not see me and his grandchildren than visit without her. I've told him in that case he's the one choosing to no longer have any contact with me and I no longer want to hear from him again.

I feel like a little girl again. I know my mother hates me, but the pain of being rejected by the parent who I loved so much is just too much Sad

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/08/2021 21:32

Am so sorry but your dad was always going to come down on his wife's side here (also out of self preservation and want of a quiet life). He is her secondary enabler and a weak bystander of a man that you have never been able to rely upon. He threw you under the bus to protect his own self, he never gave how you would feel a thought. Women like your mother cannot do relationships and always but always need a willing enabler to help them.

I would seek therapy for your own self going forward and find a BACP registered therapist well versed in narcissistic abuse and recovery. Interview these people carefully and at length before going with any particular one, you need to find someone who fits in with your approach. You may also want to have a look at the Out of the FOG website and the website entitled Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers (there is also a section in there about enabling fathers). I would also suggest you look at and post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages.

Asiama · 20/08/2021 22:11

Thanks Attila, as always your insight is spot on and I have looked at some of the resources you have mentioned. I guess it just really hurts right now to see it confirmed in black and white. My head knows exactly what's going on but in my heart there was always hope that one day he will escape from her and we will have a close relationship, always the question that perhaps he really is a victim too. That's now been shattered.

OP posts:
Sicario · 20/08/2021 22:20

So sorry for what you are going through. Going NC is really hard but this is the beginning of your road to recovery from all the hurt you have endured. It takes years, but it does get easier as time goes on. None of this is your fault.

The "Stately Homes" gang is over here where you will find lots of support and understanding.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4265761-June-2021-Well-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes

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