Am I Overreacting?

[GoldenGIft333]

Hi all, this is my first post and any advice is welcome.My 15 year old son who is profoundly deaf, has a tooth which began a week ago, he has been very poorly and still not much better with antibiotics.My fiancé, who I’ve been with for 4 years lives with us, and my stepson (his child) who is 8.Since last week, my partner has not asked about, asked how my son is or offered to get medicine, supplies etc.He has sat upstairs since last week and basically ignored us.I find this very uncaring and uncompassionate.I mentioned yesterday that he had not even asked how my son was, he ignored that and said he needs the business accounts doing by tomorrow.If stepson is ill, I’m the one who rallies round getting everything, he had a cold sore a couple of weeks ago, I went straight and bought Zovirax, as partner wanted to put Sudocream on it.He didn’t even say thanks, just moaned about the cost even though I paid for it.I have seen a rather cold callous side to my partner in the last year, I don’t know whether he has been hiding it all this time or its been brought on by stress.I am so gutted this week, this was my soulmate, a man I loved so much, but with him showing a complete lack of care for my son, I just don’t know what to think anymore.Am I Overreacting?

I would definitely not say your over reacting! How hurtful of your DP to not even ask, I would be very upset and angry.

Maybe you need to speak with him again.

Thankyou for your reply MotherHaryy if I speak to him again it will probably cause a argument, he is the same with me when I’m ill, but I don’t like anyone fussing so it’s not a problem.I have never doubted my relationship in 4 years but I can’t look at him right now.

Is he expecting you to do his business accounts?
If so, I would tell him where to stick them. Even not asking how your son is, is showing you, to a degree what he thinks of you, as he must know you are worried. Perhaps too worried to do his accounts?

Yes, it's very uncaring to not bother to ask or try to be helpful.

You said they live with you.
Is it your home that you own. Does he have his boy full time?
How is it you do his books?
Does he contribute financially or around the house?

It is my house, but a council house.I helped him win custody of his son about a year in, as his mum was an alcoholic and neglecting him.We Run our own business, however I do most of the work, which Ive started to resent him for, same with the housework, I have to keep bringing up my expectations of him with both, I get ignored for days then and accused of nagging.The accounts didn’t need to be done that day.The day I booked my son into the dentist, he was in a mood because I needed the car, and he wanted to go and pick wood up (which wasn’t essential).It was his caring nature that attracted me to him in the beginning.I had been in an abusive relationship for 25 years prior, then alone for 3 when I met him.My sons own father didn’t give a hoot about him and my son has refused to see him for years.I don’t expect my current partner to be a dad to him, nor do I ask him to do anything at all with him, but I really did think he cared about him.I am seriously doubting this now and as someone’s pointed out it’s not looking like he cares about me much either.

Hate to say it op but you are in another abusive relationship. Huffs and silent treatment are not part of normal healthy relationships. You'll also notice that these seem to happen when you are attention cannot be fully focussed on him and his needs. Eg: when you or your son are sick.

You're doing all the work, his lack if empathy, you get accused of 'nagging' if you want something. None of that shit exists in a normal, healthy relationship.

'Better than the last one' is not good enough. He is still a dick.

This has crossed my mind quite a few times, I guess my head is so messed up still from before, I just don’t know what is ‘normal’ anymore.I get the silent treatment a lot, for days on end, he accuses me of talking with an ‘attitude’, then will just ignore me, it is always me who tries to get back talking again.On the money front, we split money down the middle, it’s like that because I was controlled with money in the last relationship.We pay our own bills and we are both supposed to contribute to the groceries, however, he only buys things for his son, I have to get everything else (including things for step child)or we don’t have it.Ive mentioned this and silent treatment again and it doesn’t change.He once came back here with a Mc Donald’s for stepson and nothing for mine, I asked him why as I would always buy both.He said I was expecting him to think like a woman now.There are lots of things coming back to me over the last week, he has never been violent and never really shouted, it’s the silent treatment which in some ways is worse.I just don’t know what to do I’m so confused.Thankyou for your viewpoints everyone.

You're not confused, you're apprehensive about the impact of telling him to fuck off. Understandably you're not very confident/strong after your previous relationship in knowing what's normal/acceptable. BUT you know, whether you're ready to admit it or not, that his attitude & behaviour is unacceptable.

I know it's hard
I know it's sad
I know you care about him & his son

But it's not mutual.

He's using you snd NOT caring about you & your Son.

Can you run the business by yourself?

There does not need to be violence or shouting for it to be abuse. Also agree with pp in that if you actually take a step back and listen to what your instincts are saying, you'll find that you are not confused. His words and actions show clearly how he feels (or, doesn't feel, considering he is a cold, selfish bastard).

Often where the confusion comes in is when you are trying to rationalise their behaviour. Eg 'why would he stay if he didnt love me?' but the thing is, thars because you are a normal, neurotypical person who gets into relationships for company and mutual support and affection. Where as abusers, are nothing like you. They have a different agenda entirely. Looks like this one wants to use you as home/work labour...ahs surprise surprise, beat your spirit down. And you'll never be able to understand why he treats you this way because you are a decent, feeling human being and he is not.

All you can do is get off the merry go round.

And remember, there doesn't need to be abuse in a relationship for you to leave. You can leave simply because you are not happy. A relationship that brings sadness, stress and second guessing is not healthy and not necessary in your life.

Thankyou both, my gut instinct has been telling me things aren’t right for a while, but then I start doubting my feelings and think I’ve done or said something to make him act like he does and we were together 24/7 during lockdown as we are self employed.He is also non affectionate/cold to his son, I have questioned him as to why he is like that with him and he said it was because he didn’t bond properly with him as a baby.My heart goes out to my stepson, he comes to me for cuddles and affection, he loves his Dad and will give him a cuddle and nothing back from Dad.So I think maybe he is just an unaffectionate human being.I have always been walked over my entire life, because I always help people out and will go out my way for people, it’s just how I am, but I’ve been badly hurt by many because of this.So I think maybe it’s my own fault because I need to toughen up.
Also I have thought of the consequences of breaking up, it would affect stepson the most, it would break his heart, I love him like my own, and he was put through hell by his mum.He tell me everyday he loves me, I don’t know if I could ever forgive myself for destroying the only happiness and stability he has ever had.

Firstly, stop saying this is your fault. It’s not. Unfortunately if you have been in an abusive relationship, left, then chances are you will go into another one. This is sadly what has happened here. Silent treatment is abuse. Did you have therapy after your first abusive relationship to heal? If not it maybe a good time to seek out professional help before you make a decision on whether you want to be with this man and his destructive behaviours. Please remember…this is not your fault.

What has happened here is that you've gone from a level 10 abuser to a level 6 abuser.

The caring, lovely man you fell in love with does not exist. He was a mask worn by this man to reel you in. When you think back, were the early days a whirlwind of intense romance, early declarations of love and wanting to marry you? Did he want to move in quite quickly?

His does he treat your son when he's not ill? If your son uses BSL, has he learned it so that he can communicate and spend meaningful time with him? Does he get involved in schoolwork, parents evening, etc?

Is your shared business registered with company house with you both as directors? Is the business viable as a going concern? If you kicked him out, could you keep it afloat yourself or rebrand it perhaps with the help of a friend?

Sorry lots of questions there and don't feel obliged to answer - it was more things for you to think about!

You and your son DEFINITELY deserve better than this vile man.

Please Google the Freedom Programme which is run by women's aid. It's available online. I think you would really benefit from it.

As much as you love your stepson, your responsibility is to your own son. And to not bringing him up in a household where his mother is being mistreated. Because if his home life is this way, it is likely he will grow up to either become an abuser or end up in an abusive relationship himself.

I know it's hard op but your son only has you to protect him from learning the wrong idea about relationships and how people who love eachother treat one another. Hopefully the other lad could still come visit if you and his dad split up. But in staying with him you would not be protecting your stepson but instead, failing to protect both children.

It's a horrible choice to have to make op. But you should never ever stay with nasty men 'fir the children' because it is actually detrimental to them and will continue to do damage well into adulthood.

(Also, considering how little he seems to bother about his kid, I'm betting you would end up babysitting him more often than not even if you split up).