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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I need options and a plan.

4 replies

juneflowers · 20/08/2021 17:17

In a nutshell, I want to leave my husband and I have no idea how.

My life is crazy - I'm losing my job next month due to the client not renewing the contract (I'm a sub contractor) and we are losing our home due to the landlord having it repossessed.

We have a 6 year old DD, two dogs and a bucket load of debt (one of the many, many reasons I want to divorce my husband)

I have no money, no savings, together we have a large amount of debt and I only have two members of family, my mum and sister.

My sister lives out of the county and my mum has basically told me not to bother turning up on her doorstep as she doesn't support me leaving my husband, so it's not like I can go and stay with her.

I have no idea what to do. I feel like I'm barely treading water here. I'm not being saved nor am I actually dying, I'm just stuck in a continuous cycle of feeling like I'm drowning.

I need to get out of my marriage, I'm desperate but because of life, I just don't seem to have options right now.

If I'm not angry with him, I'm crying. I'm really, really not happy and have referred myself to Mindsmatter, I have an assessment with them next week.

My poor little girl, I feel I have really messed up her life. I have tried with him, honestly I have. We have been together 13 years and it was red flags right from the start but rose tinted glasses and all that.

I had a terrible childhood, something I would never wish on any child and I opened up to him about it. At the beginning he seemed like a gentleman, he cared for me and was so lovely, but then it turned out he had brought a huge amount of debt with him and concealed it from me but that was just the start.

I have overlooked all the lies, the constant swirl of debt that seems to follow him around, I have stupidly got consolidation loans to clear his debts, only for him to wrack up more. He has chipped away at my self confidence, criticising the way I have looked in work uniforms, 'forgotten my birthdays' told me that my stomach looked like I had been mauled by a tiger due to stretchmarks, told me I needed a boob job because he thought they were saggy, he's constantly made me feel horrible about my weight and even said he'd be embarrassed if his work colleagues saw me because I have a very pretty face, it's just a shame about my body.

There is so much this guy has said to me and done to me over the years, I look back and think why the hell have I put up with it for so long?

He's older then me, he was 31 when he met me at 19 and my heart honestly hurts for that girl. The lies he has told me over the years, the verbal abuse and anger at me for reacting to his behaviour.

I used to feel so guilty for being angry with him, like it was my fault. He has this idea that I shouldn't be upset with him for lying to me or the comments he makes about me.

I'm just over it now but honestly, I can't see a way out.

I just need a plan. I just need to find a way out so if anyone has any advice I would really, really appreciate it..

OP posts:
OldTinHat · 20/08/2021 17:21

You know that you and your DD need to be away from him. Have you contacted Women's Aid?

Get together as much paperwork as you can - ducks in a row as it were.

CinnamonMagic · 20/08/2021 19:39

I was going to suggest woman's aid too. It sounds like there may be emotional, financial abuse/fall out from gambling addiction and gaslighting going on.

They may be able to help you sort out housing and other practicalities and they understand the emotional turmoil of the situation too.

I'm sorry your family aren't more supportive, if they like him so much they can marry him. But you don't have to stay.

Cyberworrier · 20/08/2021 19:46

I think you’re very brave for reaching out and for deciding to try to get out, even if you’re not sure how yet. Have you got friends in real life you could talk to?
I would try to detach from the marriage in your head even if you’re not ready to actually leave yet- so if he says something mea, try to say to yourself in your head, I won’t have to deal with this in a few months time, I’m getting out.
Practically I’d try to focus on getting a new job if you can, as that will make you feel more independence financially and more in a position to leave. Do you think you’d be able to keep your dogs when you leave? If not I think that There are fosters or charities I think that maybe would be able to take them temporarily.
Looking into women’s aid is a good idea. Your partner does sound emotionally abusive and you need and deserve support. Good luck to you.

Helpme20 · 21/08/2021 11:09

Definitely Woman's Aid...my friend is getting so much help from them, emotionally and financially despite getting around £2k every month from her ex as spousal maintenance.
Take one day at a time..sending you hugs!

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