Can you help me navigate this new male/female friendship?

[StarttoFinish]

When I say knew, I've known him as part of a group for about 10 years, but recently we've spent more time together. I was widowed a few months ago and he's recently ended an 18 month relationship.

We're both early 50s. He's twice divorced with children from three different mothers. I have two older teens and was married for 30 years.

So, we're both finding we have time on our hands atm and we have some interests in common, so we're convenient company for each other for e.g. a bike ride, a run, seeing a band, a Sunday afternoon in a pub beer garden when our married friends are busy with their families.

He's good company and seems decent enough, although his history has always made me a bit skeptical, he's always been perfectly kind and respectful to me.

However, I have no desire at all to give him any idea that this is more than a casual friendship.

At the same time, I'm concerned that I'm coming to rely on his friendship/company too much and as soon as there's another girlfriend (there soon will be if history is anything to go by) I'll be back with no one to spend any time with.

Take advantage of this while it's convenient and helpful for me and while I navigate my new life or asking for trouble and masking things for me by delaying the inevitable?

If it's relevant his children are all adults now.

Do you enjoy his company? Feel better when you're spending time with him? Is there any attraction there?

Yes, I enjoy his company and feel better with him than spending all my leisure time on my own. Isn't that what a friend should be too though?

I can recognise that he's a good looking man, reminiscent of a middle aged George Michael and in good nick for his age - see running and cycling, but I'm not in the market for finding anyone attractive atm and for most of the years I've known him, I was married so I never looked at him that way then either. Actually, even if I was in the market, he's probably a little too good looking for my taste!

Well if you enjoy his company, then why are you worrying about what might or might not happen in the future? Just enjoy his friendship

How about enjoying his friendship while it lasts, but working on widening your group of friends at the same time? Then you won't have too big a hole in your social life if he gets another partner. If you enjoy his company I don't see why you shouldn't spend time with him.

@TooMinty

How about enjoying his friendship while it lasts, but working on widening your group of friends at the same time? Then you won't have too big a hole in your social life if he gets another partner. If you enjoy his company I don't see why you shouldn't spend time with him.

This. Enjoy it but don't make him the Sun. He's Mercury. Find other friend's and interest's too.

People Will wonder if there's something going on. Just give them a funny look, say no and move on. Their gossip isn't your trouble. And don't flirt with him.

You know what the dangers are, so mitigate for them -

• make sure you do the hard work of reaching out to other people and fostering other friendships, old and new, rather than always taking the easy/convenient route with him.
• get used to doing things on your own sometimes as well, don't only do things if you have company.
• keep him as an occasional option, not as your main resource.

So, like, at least every other time you're at a loose end, try someone else/join in with a group or do something on your own.

Otherwise you're right, it's kicking the can down the road, and you'll find it's self-fulfilling - your friends/family will assume you're alright because you can go off with Bloke (or even that you're dating him), you'll be less inclined to do the scary thing of joining new groups or engaging with new people, and you won't get used to doing things on your own, so if/when he tries it on and you have to rebuff him or he finds a girlfriend, you'll be at square one.

I do belong to a number of groups, but I find that people only want to do things midweek evenings or early weekend mornings, to give them the day with their families. Which is perfectly understandable, I would have been one of them until recently, but it means Friday evenings and most of the weekend are free.

Within those groups there are startlingly few single people of either sex. I'd never realised how unusual it was to be single after your early 20s.

Problem is, if you're always accompanied by Bloke-friend, you're less likely to be befriended or to be open to engaging with new people, as people will make assumptions and you won't have the motivation.

And sorry for your loss

@category12

Problem is, if you're always accompanied by Bloke-friend, you're less likely to be befriended or to be open to engaging with new people, as people will make assumptions and you won't have the motivation.

Yes, you're absolutely right, but if I wasn't out with him in eg a pub garden, I'd either be doing something solitary or at home. I wouldn't be out with anyone else, because they're not available on Sunday afternoons.

What part of the country are you in (presuming you're in the uk)?
I like a gig, find myself not going because people I know don't share my taste in music 🤣
Might be misremembering but thought there was a MN meet up at one point.
If you like your male friends company then I can't see a good reason to stop meeting him.
Unless he has the wrong idea in which case you'll need to put him straight.
And hopefully in the meantime you'll meet some new people to hang out with too.

I don't know what you want then - you're asking is it kicking the can down the road to hang out with this guy a lot, knowing he'll probably drop me when he gets a girlfriend - and the answer is yes.

I do think there are probably other people in a similar position to you and that you need to widen your social net. Being too comfortable and appearing partnered up will hamper you in the long run.

I'm not sure I "want" anything, I'm just kicking around some thoughts. TBH every day I get through, by whatever means, is a success atm.

A fair point indeed. It must be a tough time.

My last relationship after being quite content being single, was with a recently widowed man. It didn't work for obvious reasons - he was still grieving, and I was still in 'long term single' mode. I moved to his city for work, so really have a limited social circle here. We decided to remain friends, and for the last 18mths this has worked well - I think I've realised I'm better as a singleton, although I do think my bloke friend will want to have an intimate relationship with someone in the future. I have made it clear that this will not be with me. But in the mean time we enjoy spending time together socially, and if things change then we'll deal with those as and when..enjoy his company, but try not to become dependant on it - and if you're in Lincolnshire I'll happily have a coffee with you on a Sunday afternoon