Relationship problem or is it me? Don't want to throw away a good thing!

[Itsmewithanewname]

I've been dating a man for almost 3 years. I'm divorced, late 50's, and we met online.. first date / relationship after my divorce, he was going through divorce when we met. It's been wonderful and he's great. But.. I should say it was great. When we first met he basically moved in with me, seeing his DC weekends. Life was fairly perfect as far as I was concerned. Over lockdown his exW's relationship with the DC deteriorated and to make a long story short he's now living with them in a rented house, his exW bought a new place far away from their home so he's stayed in the area to keep stability for the DC. All ok but we went from basically living together to a relationship where we only see each other occasionally.

My problem.. I suddenly feel dissatisfied with this. I want a relationship with a future. He never talks about what we might do, whether we might move in together. He's come out of his divorce without enough money to buy without a big mortgage and he's about the same age as me. I've got a flat which I own outright plus savings, over lockdown I lost my job but have really made the most of my time learning a new craft/trade and am doing things I never would have been able to do if I'd stayed married to ex (who was very controlling). So, on the surface I'm happy, secure, sorted with a lovely part time boyfriend. But lately I've been hit with paroxysms of depression, randomly in tears walking down the street, and I don't know if this is general depression (I don't consider I am prone to depression) or situational due to the relationship.

I feel like he's not that into me anymore.. but he's also got a lot on his plate so he might just not have as much time for me due to his work /DC commitments. Or I might just be demanding too much of him, when I'm supposed to be a happily sorted single now. For example, I try to see him on his days off, which vary, and I told him I was busy this weekend (something I'm doing with girlfriends that he knew about) .. he used to adjust his work days as much as possible so we could spend time together but he has made no effort. He hasn't been telling me his work schedule. That might be down to staffing issues but I don't feel that he prioritizes me like he used to.

So, I'm not sure what to do. Confront him or just let it taper off? Wait for him to come running for me? Or just mentally cut ties and see what happens?

I'll add, his DC are young adults and he won't have to house them forever, but he is very dedicated to them and I know their wellbeing will always, quite rightly be his highest priority.

Would they all be able to live with you? It seems you need to have a conversation with him about the future and what he envisages for you both and you can tell him what you want from the relationship too

Interesting thought.. I really haven't had the space they need for now (dog, etc) but in the future as part time accommodation they might, assuming uni plans/ work is going ok and the DC want independence. They've stayed at mine before and we get along.

I need to talk to him, don't I? I feel like mentioning that I don't seem to be a priority would make him step up a bit, but perhaps just to keep me in this 'holding' pattern while I feel that time is marching on and I'm not getting any younger! My fingers were itching to go back onto Bumble last night and see if there might be some one out there with less baggage.. but it's just a reaction against how unimportant I'm feeling right now

His ex has well and truly left him in the shit op. It’s going to take sometime to adjust. While I understand how your feeling, you don’t seem very sensitive to how he must be feeling right now. Is it him that you want or just ‘a boyfriend’.

Like you say you need to sit down talk about the future properly.

Thanks @Hadenoughofthisbullshit. I do know how selfish this sounds (hence the name change) believe me, I have been totally supportive of him & the DC especially as I can't believe that a mother would desert her DCs (when doing Alevels? who does that?) so as he's stepped into the sole parent role I have been utterly supportive while trying to keep a distance. Which has been totally the right thing to do. He's been so appreciative of me, I helped sort divorce /house sale / move / loaned money, which has been repaid etc (don't want to be too outing) and it felt like a partnership when I was helping. Now I'm feeling sidelined.

I just need to give my head a wobble & work out why I'm crying all the time. I think I'm pinning my sadness on him and grieving for the relationship I'd hoped for. Selfish perhaps, but I need to work out where it's going. I think if he knew how upset and sad I am (rather than the strong independent persona) he might like me less.

Then definitely have a good chat with him op, and be honest about how much you miss him. Putting it in a positive, rather than an accusatory way. For all you know he might be putting on an independent front and wondering if you’ve gone off him.

Hmmm
Sounds like you were useful to him until he got his own house / back on his feet again.

I think you feel that he deprioritises you because - guess what? - he's deprioritising you.

Now there may be 100% good reasons for that (although I'd have a look and a think at what @TempleofZoom is saying too) but what you need to do is take the emotion out of it and ask yourself simply: is what's on offer enough for me? If the answer is no then end the relationship. I know that sounds harsh but OMG we women do like to complicate things and hang on to relationships that aren't working for us just because the man involved isn't a shit.

It doesn't have to be that way. You can ask for what you want. If you don't get what you want, you can walk away.

Totally agree with @TempleofZoom You 'fixed' him and his issues and now he doesn't need you any more. Typical intense fast moving rebound relationship. It just lasted longer than normal rebounds that's all.

So, I'm not sure what to do. Confront him or just let it taper off? Wait for him to come running for me? Or just mentally cut ties and see what happens?

Just bloody talk to him!

It does sound like you were a great support to him when he was newly out of his marriage but now he's more settled/busy there's not so much room or need for you in his life.

Why wait about for him to make up his mind or rekindle what might not come back. What do you want? You said you were thinking about looking at Bumble again, why not do that? You sound like a stronge, independent woman - listen to your feelings, don't let this guy bring you down any further and keep looking after yourself and making a life for yourself

@Itsmewithanewname

Thanks *@Hadenoughofthisbullshit*. I do know how selfish this sounds (hence the name change) believe me, I have been totally supportive of him & the DC especially as I can't believe that a mother would desert her DCs (when doing Alevels? who does that?) so as he's stepped into the sole parent role I have been utterly supportive while trying to keep a distance. Which has been totally the right thing to do. He's been so appreciative of me, I helped sort divorce /house sale / move / loaned money, which has been repaid etc (don't want to be too outing) and it felt like a partnership when I was helping. Now I'm feeling sidelined.

I just need to give my head a wobble & work out why I'm crying all the time. I think I'm pinning my sadness on him and grieving for the relationship I'd hoped for. Selfish perhaps, but I need to work out where it's going. I think if he knew how upset and sad I am (rather than the strong independent persona) he might like me less.

I think you do need to give your head a wobble. Stop grieving over what you had and concentrate on what you have now and how you can make it even better.

He probably feels like the rug has been pulled out from under his feet, and perhaps some help from you might get things back to the way they were before this happened.
I feel so sorry for him

Thanks so much for all your replies. I've been reading and rereading all weekend, as this is the first time I've tried to articulate or even admit to myself what I'm feeling. I had a friend staying (we went to a cheesy music festival) but I kept coming thinking about how 'single' I felt (ok music festival doesn't help but had great fun with friends) and I told him last night how un-prioritised I'm feeling. We'd planned on meeting up later today.. his fist message back to me was something like "..you are welcome to come tomorrow but don't feel you have to" to which I replied that I wanted to feel wanted, not welcome. I told him we'd felt like a team last summer when we were sorting things out for him.. he was very apologetic about me feeling taken for granted. He's been sending emojis and little comments this morning so we're back to normal chatting levels.

@NoYOUbekind you've hit the nail on the head, I do love him but am I clinging on just because he's a nice guy and my friends like him? He's my only experience of dating in over 30 years.
@Anordinarymum he was put into a really difficult situation and I've helped tremendously to smooth over and normalize the situation as much as possible, and stepped back so that he could form a new team-relationship with his DCs (estranged from their mum for now) but is that enough for me, long term?

We are meeting up later today. I think our phone conversation (tearful on my part) last night has shaken him a bit. I need to tell him that what's on offer isn't enough for me.. I'm feeling strong at the moment, if he doesn't want to progress things I feel I could cheerfully tell him it's over.

I can see why you're upset about this man.

But in a wider sense, do you feel you've lost some of your "purpose" lately? Losing the job, and then not being needed to help with your boyfriend's issues might have left you feeling a bit... unnecessary, maybe?

It's great that you've told him how you feel. But what I'd love you to do is find your reason to live. Something that makes you feel like you're important, vital, and making a difference. Something you can throw yourself into with joy and passion. And then this man will either step up and start making you a priority again (they can smell when you're busy with something else, they just can) or you'll let it drift because you no longer need it.

@TempleofZoom

Hmmm Sounds like you were useful to him until he got his own house / back on his feet again.

This. He moved straight in with you?! That’s a red flag to me.

Yes, I feel like your relationship has gone the opposite way to mine. DP and I have been together a similar amount of time. Slowly but surely my priority in DP's life has shuffled up the queue and he has become a higher priority in mine, over time. I have a lot of commitments (work FT, 3 DC, studying and a chronic health condition) and DP was working FT and studying on top, so to start with we took it slow and scoped out how well we would cope. We only just bought a house and lived together recently.

It feels like you became almost like you were married immediately, living together, then real life DC issues/covid hit, you addressed these together but now you are dating and not seeing much of each other? Have I got that right? Can you see why that is a bit topsy turvy? When did you get that getting to know each other exciting bit, where you have anticipation about seeing each other etc? Maybe that is the issue, your relationship got stuck in 'serious' mode straight away and now it feels weird because that is diminishing? No wonder you don't feel right

To me, the previous part of this relationship sounds quite strange — you hadn’t dated in 30 years, but essentially moved the first man you met into your house immediately, and then bustled about helping him get divorced, sell a house, move his belongings, let him money etc? That sounds as if you have quite unusual ideas of what constitutes ‘partnership’ . I agree with the poster who points to your job loss as being key here to your violent feelings.

One thing that strikes me is the inequality in the time you have for each other. He’s busily parenting alone, you are not. The headspace he has available for you, and the physical time he has available for you are far less than you do for him. It’s unbalanced. In that way I don’t think it’s viable if this continues long term unless things change. He can’t change his parenting commitments. You’re establishing relationship patterns where you have to fit around his availability, again unbalanced and unequal. But I don’t know how to “fix” that. I’m also not sure that either of you have learnt to be your own people after your other relationships ending, have you? That’s important too.

@TempleofZoom

Hmmm Sounds like you were useful to him until he got his own house / back on his feet again.

This.

Honestly you sound a little insensitive and spoilt to me. yes he's deprioritising you but he's having to be there for his kids right now and he can't do both. Sometimes in relationships you have to sacrifice a bit to get through the harder times.

The question is do you love and want him and only him in which case wait out the tough time and then have a talk about the future together or do you want a boyfriend whose always there for you and you are his main priority in which case break up cos a guy with kids you are never gonna be his only priority.

I am not judging either way and what you want is what you want. you need to decide if its worth it and no one on her can tell you that.

What i can tell you is to TALK TO HIM.

I think unfortunately you were a transitional relationship for him and now as others have said hes settled and homed otherwise, your value has deteriorated to him.

Just wanted to thank you all for taking the time to comment as I've really appreciated getting others' perspective but haven't felt able to respond in a coherent way.

I have spoken to him and I just don't know if he could do any more than he is doing already. I have spent some time with him since, at his house, and away from him, I am still doing the random bursting into tears. I know we do love each other but I'm thinking I should back off a bit as, while it's great while we're together, the pangs of loneliness I feel when we're apart are not good for my mental health.

Albert Bridge than you for reminding me.. I was so positive and dynamic when I was newly single. I need to get back to this!