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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Thread a bit ago about disrespectful friend when I'm unwell. Cont.....

20 replies

OpheliasCrayon · 20/08/2021 08:11

I'm not sure if I was this username or a different one - YarnOver. I've only has those two and I've been away for a bit so I don't expect anyone to remember my thread.
But I posted a thread asking what to do about a "friend" who had disrespected me whilst I was unwell in hospital and also with regards to being very triggering and thoughtless with regards to my stillbirth, when she was pregnant/gave birth.

I posted on here and the advice was unilaterally block her and everyone was on my side in this.

Said woman is still blocked and I have enjoyed not being hounded daily and had no plans to unblock her. My life is better without as everyone told me I would be. But the other day she messaged my DH.

She did not have my DHs number, I know she got it from the other person involved in this (who I also blocked). When the other person messaged my DH, he had replied asking not to be contacted so I don't know why she thought it was ok to pass on his number !

Anyway I'm just looking for reassurance that the right thing is to leave blocked and no replies. (DH won't reply to her.) I REALLY want to reply saying how ridiculous she's been, getting my DHs number and yet again messaging me when I had asked SO many times, directly, not to be messaged (until such point I blocked)....

But I think the right response is nothing - keep blocked and do nothing. I'm just so upset that these people just don't respect my wishes at all. And I want to make that clear. But mostly I just want to be left alone.

And if no one remembers my post then sorry this might have been a bit bizarre

OP posts:
banisher · 20/08/2021 08:13

I don't know your post history, but no, don't get involved. Get your husband to block her and try to forget it.

myrtlehuckingfuge · 20/08/2021 08:14

Can you find and link your other post?

M0rT · 20/08/2021 08:15

I don't remember your first post but your instinct to ignore is the right one.
People who push boundaries like this, contacting when asked not to and then getting numbers they don't have to try another way of getting contact are not reasonable.
Any attention will be seen as a positive and restarting the relationship.
Let your DH ignore, keep blocked on your phone and continue to live your life in peace.
I am so sorry about your stillbirth Flowers

SofaSpuds · 20/08/2021 08:16

Just tell your husband to block her also, don't even give her the satisfaction of any response.

Original poster
OpheliasCrayon · 20/08/2021 08:32

can't get the other post as at the time I thought oh no I don't want her to find it (in hindsight I wouldn't have cared and she's no way on MN) so I asked for it to be 30 days only, after it being here

Our stillbirth was 3 years ago now. But the reason I mentioned it and mentioned it in the original post, was because a few years ago when I had really started to struggle with ptsd (before I was treated for it ) I had spoken to her at length for advice as she works in mental health. So I had detailed everything, everything that triggered me etc

And then when her baby was born, and during the pregnancy she literally just went ahead and ticked off every single trigger... When she was one of the few people I'd confided in .. that was like the last straw.

OP posts:
Original poster
OpheliasCrayon · 20/08/2021 08:35

@M0rT

I don't remember your first post but your instinct to ignore is the right one. People who push boundaries like this, contacting when asked not to and then getting numbers they don't have to try another way of getting contact are not reasonable. Any attention will be seen as a positive and restarting the relationship. Let your DH ignore, keep blocked on your phone and continue to live your life in peace. I am so sorry about your stillbirth Flowers
Yes that's what I thought. Whenever I messaged her directly and in the end very bluntly saying why I didn't want to talk then (very unwell, in hospital, not wanting to chat, etc etc...) She continued every damn day. Sometimes multiple times

So you're right. Messaging now would give the message I wanted to talk I think..

OP posts:
Dozer · 20/08/2021 08:39

Yes, ignore, igmore! And DH could block both their numbers too.

Seems like your mutual former friend/aquaintance is being a ‘flying monkey’. That person’s actions are now just further evidence that your decision to end contact with them, as well as person who was the main problem.

Dozer · 20/08/2021 08:39

Was a good decision

charmingthebirds · 20/08/2021 08:50

You can't reason with the unreasonable. You just can't.

That's why you did the only thing possible - block this person from your life. Anyone who thinks they are reasonable needs to be blocked, too.

Is there anyone you can speak to that might help you to unburden yourself of the hurt this person has caused you?

Original poster
OpheliasCrayon · 20/08/2021 08:53

@charmingthebirds

You can't reason with the unreasonable. You just can't.

That's why you did the only thing possible - block this person from your life. Anyone who thinks they are reasonable needs to be blocked, too.

Is there anyone you can speak to that might help you to unburden yourself of the hurt this person has caused you?

Well I have two like... Best friends, who I always talk to, even when really unwell. Which tbh is most of the time at the moment. But they get me and understand what I want and need - which is just a "normal" friendship without the emphasis on my health (which the people in question couldn't do. At all. They were obsessive about my health).

But I've spoken to these two amazing friends a lot. At the time and after because the situation was really stressing me out and I didn't know what to do. So I've discussed it at length with both of them.

OP posts:
Original poster
OpheliasCrayon · 20/08/2021 08:55

Well even without the massive back story , MN is universal again it seems in don't reply and leave them blocked.

I'll do that. The last thing I need is more stress and drama (which is why I couldn't deal with them in the first place!)

OP posts:
RandomMess · 20/08/2021 09:07

Read up on flying monkeys!!

Absolutely no reaction or response from either of you.

Thanks
Original poster
OpheliasCrayon · 20/08/2021 09:09

@RandomMess

Read up on flying monkeys!!

Absolutely no reaction or response from either of you.

Thanks

I will do I'm intrigued!!!
OP posts:
Original poster
OpheliasCrayon · 20/08/2021 09:28

I don't think the flying monkies is quite right in this situation but I can see why you said it @RandomMess

They are very .. needy, both of them and I think they just enjoyed trying to appear like they were "helping" in some massive way by sending endless messages of "support". They needed, for THEM (not me, I don't want it ) to be the people who are 'being there the most for the sick friend"

They reacted like this was the most dramatic thing that could ever happen to me, and that they had to be there every second of the day
I even spelled it out to them - I'm alwsys unwell, I'm in hospital every year for over a decade, usually multiple times. I don't talk about it because I don't want to talk about it - you just happened to find out now as you messaged me at the exact time (we don't talk that often which is why their insane drama llama behaviour stood out even more , so I mentioned it.

The fact that they didn't realise this is just normal life for me and over dramatizing it makes me feel worse just made me realise they didn't know me at all.

I told them this. I spelled it out and they just disregarded and carried on.

I don't know what this makes them, I don't know if there's a word for it but they just seemed to need so desperately to be the amazing friend, and messaging the poor unwell woman constantly to let her know that they're thinking of her.

When what I want is either to be given space, or my two best mates just checking in and sending me usual random every day normal, non illness related chat.

It disappointed me though which I think is why I posted and am posting again. I trusted these two with so much - when my son died, especially. And I just wish I hadn't. I wish I'd not shared what I did and I wish I'd just kept them at arm's length. I had a brooch from the main one on my bouquet at my wedding as she was away on my honeymoon, which at the time was such a lovely gesture and now I just wish I'd not done that as they've proved themselves to be so disrespectful to me.

I guess that's why I've posted about it a few times as I regret having had them as part of my life and sharing stuff when they've gone and done this.

OP posts:
Original poster
OpheliasCrayon · 20/08/2021 09:29

*as she was away on HER honeymoon

She didn't come on my honeymoon!!! That woulda been a plot twist ey!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 20/08/2021 09:59

You are right that this is about a need in them. You don't want to be the source of them fulfilling that need it's a way of using you. They are supposed to be their friend, no one likes being used!

Original poster
OpheliasCrayon · 20/08/2021 10:03

@RandomMess

You are right that this is about a need in them. You don't want to be the source of them fulfilling that need it's a way of using you. They are supposed to be their friend, no one likes being used!
Yes. They used me to feel good about themselves being the really "supportive helpful friends" but didn't listen to what I actually wanted my friends to do to be supportive. I did feel used and not listened.

It's just how much I've shared in the past that I wish I hadn't done now. I wish I hadn't opened up about my (deeply personal, obviously) mental health problems, or my child or anything. It just makes me feel like I want to take that info, and my memories back from them, which obviously I can't do.

OP posts:
Nowstrong · 20/08/2021 10:46

I do remember your first thread. Continue blocking. Wishing you well.

Original poster
OpheliasCrayon · 20/08/2021 10:50

@Nowstrong

I do remember your first thread. Continue blocking. Wishing you well.
Thank you! And thanks for remembering! I posted it ages ago!!

I will keep blocking.

OP posts:
bigbaggyeyes · 20/08/2021 12:52

Don't respond, your dh should block them and not respond either.

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