Should I have done/said something?

[EvenMoreFuriousVexation]

I have just gone into the supermarket to grab a couple of things.

I needed to visit a number of aisles. After picking up my first item I noticed a bloke behind me speaking loudly "you've been answering me back all day so no I'm not gonna be nice"

In my head I assumed he was a possibly at the end of his tether parent talking to a tantruming child or a shit dad

I then stopped to look for a product, he rolled past me. He was shouting at his partner. He had a small child in his trolley. Partner had an older child (5ish? I'm not giod at children's ages) by the hand, but that child kept running off. There was nothing in the trolley.

My hearing isn't great, but I could hearing him shouting the whole time I was in there. I'm not sure what he was saying but I overheard things like "you're fucking mental", "you keep saying 'every time' but you're lying", "you're the one that's pots" (local slang for crazy)

I looked at her and she wasn't crying but I could see she was holding on if you know what I mean.

I have been in a relationship like this and I so wanted to help her but I knew that if I said anything to him, she would pay for it.

If he had physically done anything I would have unquestionably intervened. But because its "just" verbals, the police and store security are not going to do anything.

It's reminded me of my childhood too when my dad would pull this kind of shit with my mum in public, as loudly as possible for maximum humiliation, and if we kids started crying he'd just bang us upside the head.

I so wanted to do something to help or even just to front up the twat and say loudly "what you're doing is not OK"

What is the best thing I could have done? I know that confronting him would probably have made it worse for her in the immediate aftermath. He didn't leave her side so i couldn't have spoken to her privately and said anything.

I understand how triggering it was for you. I'd have called 101 and expected nothing xx it's not your fault xx

Oh bless you. My ex use to do this and scald me if I wondered off from his side. You are right about her being at the receiving end of it once you were off the scene after saying something. Abusers are never at fault and anyone confronting them publicly will be “l told you to shut up” or something similar once home.

I wish there was a way to help, and it’s tricky.

I am like you now. I want to help, say something but also fully aware of the consequences so I am interested in finding out of way to help too. Sorry my input wasn’t an answer to your question

You just wish you could hold up a whiteboard where she could see it and he couldn't saying "you don't deserve this. It's him not you. It won't get better. Get out safely. Call women's aid."

I don't know how you could have actually helped her without putting her at risk. But I understand that not saying anything makes you feel complicit in it being ok.

Did a quick search and this came up but the situation described is different as she was able to speak to the victim alone and there were obvious ways to help her but it does have some ideas.

theweek.com/articles/713019/what-domestic-abuse-public

No you shouldn't of said anything, it could of put her in more danger.

I have seen/ heard these types of incidents before and it haunts me.

You couldn’t intervene. You don’t know what might have happened

I have a friend whose DW calls him useless in our presence. Says how wonderful her BIL is

My friend adores her!

The woman may have turned on your too ...

I have been in a similar position twice. The first time a father and his friend were shouting at his son as they walked up the street. I directed my comments to the young lad saying he should speak to a counsellor at school for help. The father shouted abuse toward me and told me to mind my own business. I told him that when he shouted loudly and I could hear I was automatically involved and he should not be talking to his son like that. The second time I told my good friends husband that he was a bully because once again he had cut off her Internet usage because he was angry with her. He was shocked when i stood up to him. She has thanked me several times for my help.

[quote CinnamonMagic]Did a quick search and this came up but the situation described is different as she was able to speak to the victim alone and there were obvious ways to help her but it does have some ideas.

theweek.com/articles/713019/what-domestic-abuse-public[/quote]
Thank you, as you noted I couldn't speak to this woman without him hearing but it's good to note for any future situations.

It is still upsetting me this morning. The youngest child was crying but the older one just didn't react, which makes me think it's such a common thing that he no longer reacts. 😔

@TacCat49

I have been in a similar position twice. The first time a father and his friend were shouting at his son as they walked up the street. I directed my comments to the young lad saying he should speak to a counsellor at school for help. The father shouted abuse toward me and told me to mind my own business. I told him that when he shouted loudly and I could hear I was automatically involved and he should not be talking to his son like that. The second time I told my good friends husband that he was a bully because once again he had cut off her Internet usage because he was angry with her. He was shocked when i stood up to him. She has thanked me several times for my help.

I'm glad you stood up for the little boy and for your friend.

I remember reading in one of Alice Miller's books that if just one person "sees" an abused child and tells them that they are a good person worthy of love, it hugely increases the chance that the child will find healing as an adult.

I was one of these women. I remember being on a restaurant tears streaming down my face (I’d just lost my friend) and he was saying it was all my fault I was upset because I shouldn’t have male friends. He scalded me and then forced me to eat my
meal in tears because if if I didn’t eat I would have ‘spoiled his meal’.

There was a woman sat across from us who saw and heard it all and looked so sad and helpless, she wanted to help. Even if she would have stood up for me, it wouldn’t have solved anything.

Unfortunately it took until my next boyfriend to make me cry over my food on the night of my nans funeral to realise I need to leave him as well.

I was only a young girl. If it happened to me today I would have walked out of the restaurant.

No

I seen on another thread a similiar situation and someone said discreetly try and get their car registration plate to report domestic abuse..dnt know if this would help if the woman refuses to speak to police but its at least worth a try for the childrens sake?

@Ponderinglife123

I seen on another thread a similiar situation and someone said discreetly try and get their car registration plate to report domestic abuse..dnt know if this would help if the woman refuses to speak to police but its at least worth a try for the childrens sake?

I will consider that in future. It's worth a try. Thank you.

This couple were on foot. I did think if they were parked near me and he went to take the trolley back I might be able to speak to her and tell her she's worth more and to call WA. but I saw them walking out via the footpath.