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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why can't I walk away from toxic relationship

3 replies

irelandc · 19/08/2021 18:38

NC as in embarrassed and ashamed by my own stupidity and toxicness. Been together (on and off) for many years. We don't live together (he lives with his parents), he visits at the weekend and we usually only speak by text during the week, rarely phone call, but we still manage to argue a lot of the time. (I feel like he won't leave his parents because he works but apart from that has no responsibility everything is done for him at his parents house...and that he just wants me around for company because everyone our age is married in their own houses settled down have had kids etc)We don't even get on most of the time and have little in common. He lies a lot, sometimes to hide things, sometimes to brag and sometimes it's just completely stupid lies. This year I've found him on dating apps (and once last year) 3 different profiles on the same app, all whilst telling me he is in love with me and wants a future with me, he's ready to live together soon etc, he looks me in the eye and tells me I'm "wrong" about the lies even though I have the proof infront of us both to see or he says did what he did because of how I've behaved or he wanted attention, etc etc-I'll admit I've said horrible things to him before too when I'm trying to get back at him or tried to distance myself from him. He brings out the worst In me, he's very stressful to be around and hurts my feelings a lot and where he hurts me so often I try and say hurtful things back which is out of my character. He is very insensitive towards others and inconsiderate. He buys me things which is generous and I do appreciate it, he says he's trying to help, which is really kind but I tell him repeatedly I want love not things or money. Honestly I'm not a materialistic person I'd rather he never gives me anything and just shows me some respect. I know I should just go no contact, but the longest I lasted was 3 months. I'm so miserable with him, the relationship makes no progress but I'm so lonely and have such low self esteem (feel worthless, always have done) I think that's why I stay. I've grew up in an abusive home and left home when I was very young then was straight into an abusive relationship luckily escaped that but now I'm with my current partner and it's the best person that "loves" me I've ever had (the only two other people who said they love me-parent and ex-were abusive emotionally, physically and sexually). I need to just go NO contact but I never stick to it, he only has to tell me he loves me or he wants to marry me etc and I let him back again because I'm so desperate to believe someone loves me. I hate myself for it, staying in such a toxic and immature relationship.

OP posts:
Ogham · 19/08/2021 20:15

I would strongly advise going for counselling or life coaching and really work on loving yourself and raising your self esteem.
Well done for getting away from your abusive ex and parent.
You know your current P is a liar and is gas lighting you. Don’t just settle for someone, you deserve better than that.
Can you join a group that do weekend activities, such as hill walking/ book club etc, so you’re occupied for part of the weekend? Try and learn to enjoy your own Company and meet up with friends instead of ploughing your energy into a toxic relationship.
It takes effort but you have to stick your neck out for anything to change

xsquared · 19/08/2021 20:43

Do you have good friends you can spend time with and someone you can talk about this to in real life?

It does sound as if you are lacking self esteem and are in need of validation, but you also know that this person is absolutely notngoing to make you happy.

Men like him, as you've said, are absolutely toxic. They play with your emotions because they want you around for the ego boost whole they treat you badly, and then slip in some disrespect here and there while laughing at you.

You know you deserve more and you know that you need to remain no contact with him, so send a clear message of requesting no contact, then block. Remove his contact details from your phone so that you are not tempted.

I think speaking to a counsellor is a good idea and perhaps even seek out trauma based therapy to understand yourself more.

Wishing you the best in your recovery.

FetchezLaVache · 19/08/2021 21:01

At least you're aware, at some level, that this relationship is not good for you - albeit less awful than your previous horrific ones. I agree with PPs that you need to end it and spend time working on yourself and your sense of self-worth. You deserve so much better. Flowers

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