NC as in embarrassed and ashamed by my own stupidity and toxicness. Been together (on and off) for many years. We don't live together (he lives with his parents), he visits at the weekend and we usually only speak by text during the week, rarely phone call, but we still manage to argue a lot of the time. (I feel like he won't leave his parents because he works but apart from that has no responsibility everything is done for him at his parents house...and that he just wants me around for company because everyone our age is married in their own houses settled down have had kids etc)We don't even get on most of the time and have little in common. He lies a lot, sometimes to hide things, sometimes to brag and sometimes it's just completely stupid lies. This year I've found him on dating apps (and once last year) 3 different profiles on the same app, all whilst telling me he is in love with me and wants a future with me, he's ready to live together soon etc, he looks me in the eye and tells me I'm "wrong" about the lies even though I have the proof infront of us both to see or he says did what he did because of how I've behaved or he wanted attention, etc etc-I'll admit I've said horrible things to him before too when I'm trying to get back at him or tried to distance myself from him. He brings out the worst In me, he's very stressful to be around and hurts my feelings a lot and where he hurts me so often I try and say hurtful things back which is out of my character. He is very insensitive towards others and inconsiderate. He buys me things which is generous and I do appreciate it, he says he's trying to help, which is really kind but I tell him repeatedly I want love not things or money. Honestly I'm not a materialistic person I'd rather he never gives me anything and just shows me some respect. I know I should just go no contact, but the longest I lasted was 3 months. I'm so miserable with him, the relationship makes no progress but I'm so lonely and have such low self esteem (feel worthless, always have done) I think that's why I stay. I've grew up in an abusive home and left home when I was very young then was straight into an abusive relationship luckily escaped that but now I'm with my current partner and it's the best person that "loves" me I've ever had (the only two other people who said they love me-parent and ex-were abusive emotionally, physically and sexually). I need to just go NO contact but I never stick to it, he only has to tell me he loves me or he wants to marry me etc and I let him back again because I'm so desperate to believe someone loves me. I hate myself for it, staying in such a toxic and immature relationship.