Well I'm an idiot, advice

[dweb88]

Soo I posted here before about a guy I was seeing, who I had totally fallen for, tell me that he was using me, lying about loving me& just taken advantage, for the past month and half of it, I stopped contact with him (attempted), but got back in touch, he convinced me it was all because of his mood, he's sorting it out, on medication, he seemed to be doing better. Fast forward, I forgave him and of course the same situation happened.

Safe to say I've learned my lesson, however what now? How do I just get on with my life, he was the only person I spoke to about stuff. I relied on him, I don't have many people I talk to. I want to move forward and feel better for the sake of my daughter. But god do I feel like shit. It's set off my anxiety. Tbh what I want to know is, anyone been here, left used and hurt, how do you just get on with it?& move forward? Sounds stupid saying out loud. But these feelings are very real.

Hi.
I have had a relationship breakdown two weeks ago, when I found out that man I loved had been seeing another woman for over a year. I found out by accident. I was with him for 5 years and we split last year but we’re seeing each other again since October.
He promised me he loved me and that there was nobody else and I believed him.
I’ve been through lots of different emotions from anger, to disgust, and sheer pain at the depth of the lies he told.
I found out and ended the relationship after getting some questions asked. He slept with me and then said he chooses to be with her, as he sees a future with her and says he loves her (but has been sleeping with me behind her back all year).
I can’t understand how anybody can be so awful. I now realised he is a narcissist.
I’ve been keeping busy, trying not to think about him, deleted his number and blocked him so he can’t message or ring me ever again. I’ve also read up on narcissists and how they operate. Makes so much sense now!
I knew I deserved better and when I found out, it was super hurtful but like a weight has been lifted.
The other woman has taken him back and beloved his lies.
I can stand proud that all I did was fall in love and believe a man I thought I loved.
The pain will get less. Join some groups, meet with friends, keep busy and whenever I think of him now, I think of his shit forearm tattoo that I didn’t like and smile…. That I never have to doubt myself or feel shit again.
We deserve so much better xxxx
Good luck OP xxx

@WhatdoIsaytothem
I'm so sorry you went through this. It's hard, he would stay with me on weekends and we were constantly messaging or on the phone, but Ben night time, all night and now it's all gone, the broken promises and the lies have left me deflated.

First of all apologies about the person whose gender I share. B***d!

You’ve had a bad time but the whole world isn’t looking at or thinking about you. Please stop any negative self-talk

Focus on what’s good. Starting with your daughter

We’ve all made mistakes. At least this wasn’t your fault

Make contact with friends Or relations. Even if you haven’t spoken for ages. It seems that I always have to be the one to make contact but it often seems to work out well. And if it doesn’t try someone else

Don’t let him win. He wasn’t worth it ...

@AnotherOldGeezer
Thank you for your response! Unfortunately I don't have many people I can rely on. But I can do this myself with the strength from my little girl!

Maybe use this as motivation to widen your social circle and network a bit more?

Otherwise you'll be vulnerable to centring another guy (or the same guy again) and being too reliant on him. Don't look for deep connections immediately or people to "rely on", but people to chat to lightly and share bits and pieces of your life with.

Maybe look at finding a therapist/counsellor for your anxiety?

@category12
Hi thank you! I am looking into it. Also I have referred myself for counselling& got my first appointment- over a month away but got it!

It’s the lack of contact and messaging that I miss xxx hurts but the hurt will get easier xxxx
We deserve better than what these man have done x

I'm sorry you're going through this it sucks:( I'm going through a similar situation where he blamed no contact on mental health but I've just found out today it's because he's still in contact with his ex. So I'm assuming everytime he'd get back in contact things went wrong with her. Today I've said what I need to say and cut all contact. Feeling shit now but I know in a few weeks I'll feel bettter xx

Thank you for all the replies! @diamond42 @WhatdoIsaytothem

I know it's me holding myself back in a way. Still talking to him and reasoning. Keep asking myself why& hoping he'll change. But enough is enough.

@dweb88 by thinking about him, talking to him and trying to reason with him, you are giving him space in your head. If he is not respecting you, allowing him contact is giving him signals that it is ok to continue treating you badly.
These people who are like this never change.
They know the control they have over us as we come back all the time.
The only way is go no contact and leave it. You will heal and come out stronger and ultimately much happier.
We just have to go through the bit where we are sad and miss them before you realise you wasted far too much time on somebody that didn’t deserve it. X
Good luck xxx

@WhatdoIsaytothem
Thank you so much! It's so hard taking that step!

I know. I caved after 7 days and sent an email. He hasn’t replied & im instantly regretted sending it x

@WhatdoIsaytothem
I get this. Something serious has happened in my life. I was on the phone to him for an hour pleading him to come and support me. He tells me no repeatedly. We argue I tell him what I think off him. (User& some other vicious words) Hang up thinking nothing off it. I go to call him back, as I do every night to fall asleep on the phone. He has blocked me on absolutely everything and I'm in bits.

Op there’s lots of evidence that NC means you move on faster. So NC us your best option. Please delete all his numbers emails etc.

it’s great you have organised counselling. In the meantime try some other forms of self care. A good walk every day. Yummy healthy food. Savour your favourite drink. Pamper yourself. A good book, movie or tv series.
Try the samaritans. It will be tough for a while but it will get better. And one day you will be so glad you moved on. Hugs

Bless you x
This is not a nice man. This is not a supportive man. Somebody kind and decent would not have you feeling like this.
The anxiety and upset you feel will never stop for as long as this man is in your life.
It hurts. I’m in the same boat, but we have to keep going and we will get through this.
We both need to love ourselves enough to keep going and we will be ok. We will come out the other side. We will look back in 6 months or a year and we will say we couldn’t understand why we wasted our time and energy on these men who are useless and vile.
Im here for you xxx

Thank you all so much.
@WhatdoIsaytothem
Thank you. My pride is getting the better off me rn. Before we blocked me I was in a panic and was telling him and I need him and he was my only support& all that extreme bs. None of it true. Now I'm questioning whether he's told people or showed people messages. And I actually just want him to know that I'm fine without. Don't want him to feel important or have the upper hand when he did this. Dickhead. Really do feel better today. Thank you m. I hope you do too.

He will be more shocked and annoyed if you block him and never contact. We both fed the egos of these men…. Making them feel
Important as they made us feel that we needed them.
We just need to be strong and not contact. It’s super hard. I’m used to 40-70 messages a day from him and I replied to every one. I miss it but I know I must keep going. X

We can do it. just have to push through the hard days first. @WhatdoIsaytothem x

Definitely :)
We deserve so much better from our lives / relationships :)

@WhatdoIsaytothem I agree! Just waiting for the anxiety to pass now! Questioning and worrying about literally anything! Good luck!

Definitely x I will never again tolerate the anxiety that a narcissist has tortured me with for a year x

@WhatdoIsaytothem I don't want to long this out but I wanted one last piece of advice! I was calling and messaging on my phone and my accounts and one of my friends after I was blocked since, a couple of people have checked ( I asked& he wouldn't know them to block them) and so have I , it seems he's deleted all his socials. I know he won't get the voicemails, miss calls and messages coz I'm blocked but I emailed him! He may have blocked me on there as we've emailed before. But incase he has seen me asking him to unblock me, and talk to me. I feel stupid, he hasn't replied and hasn't unblocked. Would u leave it at that from now on? Or what? I just want someone to text and tell him to call me or text me at least? Or should I email again telling him my piece of mind! Or again just leave it? Hate this. Why did it end up like this it's horrible all the time I'm worried. I wake up hoping he'd unblock me. Worrying if he's back with the ex he met up with? Even tho he's deleted socials and idk if he still had her number. Ah to much. Sorry again, you just seem to get it.

Honestly…. This man isn’t worth it.
You feel upset and worried about messaging or ether he has unblocked or not.
I have in and emailed mine and he didn’t reply. They don’t care enough to reply.
And that’s the bit we have to deal with.
They have made those choice and we need to be strong.
I’ve deleted him from my contacts. Deleted the messages and emails. I remember his email address but not his number and that’s the first but I’m never contacting home again.
The more we chase them, the more they have won and they will be looking at their phones and laughing.
Don’t give them the satisfaction xxx
If you’re lonely… email me!
I used to have 70 emails a day from him and I do miss the contact but but the anxiety xxxx
Much love xxxx

Block on everything.

He's made you feel you rely on him and will struggle without him, but he's unreliable really. So your anxiety will probably lessen without him and you'll feel better, as you're not feeling reliant on an unreliable person. See your doctor and/or a therapist if you struggle.

Time will soften your feelings.

Block on email as well so you can't email him. You're just getting your self-esteem damaged by doing that.