Recovering from control and emotional abuse

[wozzzarp]

Ok so, I might have a few odd details in here but I have to condense a huge backstory and pick what I think might be relevant.

I used to be quite fiery and confident, independent and driven.

Both my parents were very controlling and emotionally abusive and I mean to a level that dwarfs most of what I've read about in the process of trying to make sense of all this. There was no PA or SA but the control was unbelievable really. They fought against my independence until I was basically living like a prisoner at their home. After uni basically I moved back in at their insistence (they were being very nice at the time) and things went downhill very extremely from there.

As people on here will understand, the control is ingrained from early in life, it involves wearing self esteem down over time, boiling frog syndrome where you don't really notice it happening/minimise it and so on.

I am now NC. I have had therapy and done research and feel like I am not getting very far. it has been 2 years of NC and a long time before that going through the process of realising all of this. I have had lifelong MH issues and recently these have been very bad. My partner says the last 2 years have been like watching someone die of a broken heart. I know how dramatic that sounds but really things are not going very well and I can't seem to break out of it all.

The thing is, it's like some part of me is gone. I have read about losing your sense of identity because someone foisted what they wanted you to be down your throat and your needs gradually got erased and you have to think constantly of theirs.

But this absence feeling still isn't shifting.

I am hoping someone might recognise this feeling whether they've been in an EA romantic relationship or dysfunctional family etc.

I mentioned that I used to be driven and a bit of a go getter, even when subjected to all this EA behavior it hadn't got on top of me yet. If I had been passive to start with I think it may have been much worse tbf.

I remember when I got a certain job that I really wanted and enjoyed. Arriving in the morning, usually after horrible confrontations and attempts to prevent me continuing working and god knows what else, huge guilt trips for perfectly normal things just...smelling the morning air, being presentable (not hot or anything just smart) looking forward to seeing people who I was confident enough to look in the eye and speak to, stuff I really struggle with now.

I hate feeling so sorry for myself and lost...my last therapist kept saying that you can never have a life feeling no sadness or anxiety ever and I get that. I actually do. But this feeling isn't going away at all.

I have no self worth and the only advice I can find is do things that matter to me to think about what I want and to take care of me/put my wants first etc. I am trying but it's hard and nothing seems to be happening.

I talked to a newish friend about this (similar back story) and he said he just made a decision to put himself first and got on with his life and after a few months he felt much better. He is a nice friend but I get the impression he thinks I am just wallowing now and maybe I am.

This is all quite frustrating to try and explain because logically I know everyone is right and I just have to live my life and move on but somehow emotionally it's not working and I keep wondering what the missing piece is.

For some reason I keep thinking back to that specific job and that specific morning. Probably without any basis and filtered through rose tinted glasses that distort how it really was. But I think I remember how I felt, and I felt this sense of self determination and self knowledge, that drive, which is all sort of gone now.

Thank you if you read all that.

I do know what you mean, I'm NC with father and LC with mother (they've been divorced for years) as both were controlling me heavily and separately so I was being squeezed by both. My mother was financially taking advantage and my father is an addict and would threaten me. I grew up enabling both of them.

It's been a few years and I still ruminate about them everyday, feel guilty and alone.
It doesn't help that I regularly have people trying to get it touch with me on their behalf or I will be pushed/guilt tripped to try and get me to make contact.

I have been able to get a recent promotion and it's the first time I've done anything for myself and not been sabotaged by my parents. I thought I'd be overjoyed but I'm suffering from insomnia and negative thoughts; it's almost like my inner voice is attacking me in place of my parents voices. Sabotaging myself.

@DancesWithFelines Congratulations on your promotion, remember you've done it despite all the effort going against you. I'm sorry you're not enjoying it as much as you should be.

Self sabotage is so messy to try and think your way out of, because people with no experience of it just can't understand.

I think I was drafted into an enabling role. In a way I think my parent's relationship with each other and then with me was all about making them feel "normal" when they really, really weren't. In the end you have to get through the day/do things so you can't pull someone up on every outrageous thing they do and that starts playing into the idea that it's them that are right kind of thing.

I remembered in therapy how I had this (small) achievement and my mum was very insistent we kept it secret from my dad because he would be so jealous and angry. Not sure why as though he has addiction issues he has been successful professionally. This eventually accidentally slipped out and seriously he was enraged, and we are talking about a small, small thing. His response was to accuse me of terrible crimes, like the worst you can think of. So now if I ever acheive anything I apologise first! I will literally say "oh I made dinner and I think it tastes nice but I'm no good at cooking and know very little and everyone else is far better at it than me..." on and on like that because that's how you have to talk to my dad to keep him calm,

I know no one likes a bragger but then this is very much too far the other way. I'm trying to understand how other people navigate this and manage to go "I did well at this" or "I'm good at that", those thoughts are very alien to me.