No foreplay

[Lifeisaminestrone]

Good morning.

So my H and I rarely have sex - let’s say a handful of times a year.

We’ve been married 12 years and is generally not great but not as bad as many!

Currently on holiday and we had sex but there was absolutely no foreplay or any acknowledgment of my needs. None at all.

Happened a couple of days ago and I can’t stop crying. I didn’t sleep last night.

I haven’t told him I’m upset, but surely this is pure laziness on his part - should he know better??

Or is this normal behaviour. Am I being too needy on my part.

I feel a bit lost at present.

Any help gratefully received as I have no one to talk to about this.

It is not needy to expect that sex should be a pleasurable experience for you both. However you do need to talk to him.

Has sex ever been good?

Sounds awful. Was he forceful or just completely selfish?

** and no, it's not normal to want and expect pleasure from sex with your husband.

** I mean it's NORMAL to want it... You know what I mean !

It was just completely selfish. Not forceful.

It was fine once upon a time. Not mind blowing but it was nice!

I know I should talk about it but I feel like I will clam up if I do. And as so infrequent wonder if it’s worth it.

If you can’t stop crying hasn’t he noticed you are upset? This sounds very distressing for you - are you absolutely sure it was fully consensual? And of course it’s normal for you to be fulfilled by the encounter as much as he is. At best he sounds extremely selfish. Did he somehow think you were already aroused, that you came and were happy? I really think you need to talk it through with him.

It sounds awful. I think you need to talk to him about it but think about what you want, do you want to try and salvage the marriage with counselling maybe or just cut your losses.

Am I being too needy on my part

Seriously?! Why would you ever even contemplate that a woman expecting to be pleasured during sex, is being too needy? You’re not some ejaculation hole for your husbands use.

You need to tell him, but not in a tiptoe around his fragile ego way, but in a How Fucking Dare You Use Me Like This way. You have every right to be pissed off about it.

It sounds as though you have slipped into some habits in your marriage but it's not really working for you. You need to find a way to communicate this with your husband but I suspect you will need some help vocalising it and finding the right words to use. A sex or relationship therapist can help you work out how to approach this whilst protecting the other parts of your marriage that do work for you. Thuis doesn't have to be face to face, many therapists are working online or on the phone so you can start the process discreetly and at your own pace.

Don't give up just yet and hopefully you can enjoy meaningful and reciprocal sex with your husband if you are both willing to work at it.

Agree with all of the PP.

If you are worried about clamming up when you speak to him, then make some notes beforehand and refer to them during the discussion if you need to. You need to get the message across loud and clear that his treatment of you the other night was not acceptable.

Are there wider problems in your with your sex life? You say you only have sex a few times a year. Is that by mutual agreement or has it just tailed off? It sounds to me like you both need to have a frank conversation about what’s going on, and your needs and expectations.

Agree to PP, you need to explain how you feel about sex etc, but not in blame way, if you come out with a “your shit in bed “ statement that might be the end of your sex life, but should be able to set your expectations more like a “ really loved what we did last night, but next time can do X, Y & Z” kinda thing

and maybe have more sex as well but that might be more of a challenge if neither of you like a lot of sex.

Totally shit of him
Obviously sex should be at least equal fun for both!
For me the pleasure is seeing my wife have fun as well ( she is the same in that ) I would worry if you partner does not want to make the effort for you to have a really lovely enjoyable time, every time
Really is the glue that holds things together to not make the effort says so much I think