Feel like I’ve ruined my life due to my ex

[ston]

I know I have made a few threads on this, but I am really out of control with my thoughts right now.

I am 24F, was with my boyfriend for 5 years before he broke up with me 3 weeks ago saying he wanted to travel/ work abroad for 3 years, and that he still loves me etc but it’s just the circumstances.

We went to uni together and graduated in 2019. He got a high flying graduate job in London while I didn’t apply for grad jobs as I wanted to travel abroad. Then covid striked. I applied for some grad jobs in London starting this year but it just didn’t happen. Some I got through to the final stages but just bottled it on a few of them… I don’t know why.

So I ended up getting a job for a well known company working from home, but it is an hour and a half to the office and I have to go in once a week. I am now regretting this decision.

I think I felt so secure in my relationship, and he told me it didn’t matter where I was in the country that I felt fine getting this job not near him. I thought we would be together eventually. Now I am longing for some more excitement in my life, as I know I am just working from home every single day 9-5 and just going out sometimes at the weekend. Whereas he lives with his friends, they are all single, bring girls back, go out all the time, he always has work drinks in London. I am so miserable thinking about the differences in our lives and it’s consuming me.

He is basically living the uni lifestyle but with money. He will have so many opportunities to replace me. I’m living at home with my parents working 9-5 at a job I hate.

Stop giving him relevance in your life. Plenty of people love chill lives and work from home,plenty spend all their hard earned money, partying. Each life has merits.

But if you actually 'hate' your job (which personally I dont understand as it seems like the dream fucking job. Never having to go into the office. Brilliant) then find another job. Or quit and travel like you intened. But only if its what YOU want. Not because it's what someone else is doing.

He is nothing to do with you anymore. Block. Delete. And find yourself again. Only then do you need to decide what you want to do and act on it.

I think I liked the thought of the working from home job when we were together as I could talk to him more. As stupid as it sounds, it seems like I’ve basically based my whole life on him. Now I feel behind. I’m like do I want to move to London? Will my life even be more exciting there. Why didn’t I move there before, I don’t know.

I am hardly functioning correctly.

You need to take him out of your thoughts and plans completely.
You need to plan your life for you alone.

My cousin went through similar at 23...her boyfriend since her late teens left her for her 'best mate' who he'd gotten pregnant .

She worked her arse off for six months, rounded up some mates and went travelling for year. She's now happily settled in Australia.

I think you need to take a step back and take some time to think about where you are with your life and what your really want?

Is your priority a better job, a home of your own, or having some adventures (fwiw I'd recommend the latter as that's the hardest thing to achieve later in life once you're tied down)?

I'm in a similar position post divorce (although nearly twice your age!) and would really recommend the Living By Design series on the Phil in the Blanks podcast as a starting point.

Good luck!

Be a bit kind to yourself. You were going out for five years and he finished with you only three weeks ago. You're still in shock. But you're only 24. Your life is now all about you. Make decisions based on what you want to do before settling down. Travelling might be off the agenda at the moment, but travelling costs money so living at home gives you a good opportunity to save up. Don't make any rash decisions whilst you're still upset, but write yourself a 5 and a 10 year plan about what you want to have achieved by then and how you'd like your life to be.

But it sounds like he is still influencing your life. Because you're looking at his lifestyle and comparing yourself to it.

Just because the initial decision was to be near him does not mean the job choice didn't work out for the best.

You're not behind. You're a graduate with a job. You have your whole life to travel and party.

And believe me, in very much usually of the 'meh, screw it, quit the job and go on the holiday' sort of person. But even I don't think you should look a gift horse in the mouth. I'm telling you op, working from home is the best kind of job you can have.

Maybe make the effort to get out more outwith your work and join some fun meetup groups or something.

Try to make a life for yourself where your at, save some money up, get to the point where your reference would be good. Then see how you feel.

I thought working from home would be the best, but now I’m not so sure. I feel very isolated, especially with everything going on.

I agree with the pp. What your ex is doing is now irrelevant to your life (and if you are seeing what he’s up to on social media, then block him - it won’t help you get over him).

Focus on you and what you want. The world is your oyster! Great suggestion from @Haywirecity about working up 5 and 10 year plans. And having a full time job whilst living with your folks is brilliant - you can save money to help fund your plan.

The break up is still fresh and of course you are hurting. Be kind to yourself, and look forwards not backwards. There is so much for you to be excited about. 💐

You are young with no commitments, what a lovely place to be! You can choose where to live, where to travel, where to work. You feel in a rut right now but embrace your freedom.

@ston

I thought working from home would be the best, but now I’m not so sure. I feel very isolated, especially with everything going on.

Lots of people love the idea of WFH but I agree with you, it can be very isolating. We often make friendship groups through work and work colleagues are the cause of lots of communication throughout the day, eg, general chat, gossip, work news. Without them it's easy to become over-reliant on your partner to fill all those gaps in conversation and the relationship can become claustrophobic. So it's important that you start to join organisations where you can mix with people you can converse with and build new friendships that way. Forget how your ex lives his life - usually things are nowhere near as exciting as they might seem. You start to live your life in a way that makes you happy. Honestly, you have such exciting times ahead but it's hard to see it when you're still so sad.