Moving to separation

[Needssomehelp]

Hi,

just joined and - apologies- this is going to be a long one..
Ive been with my wife for 14 years and married for 10. We have two beatutoful young boys. Always seem to have been happy, both good jobs, nice house etc.
In October 2020 I noticed some odd behaviour with her phone. This prompted me to check her work computer (I know, I know- I shouldn’t have done). Was guilty doing it as expected to find nothing. Did find conversations with a male colleague that have been going on since at least July 2019. I asked her up front about it and she denied anything and we quickly moved on. It played with me and I could t relax. So again accessed her computer and went through in more detail. Lots of chat about feelings and how strong there were and sexual banter.
I finally confronted her and again she denied it but then got an admission that there were feelings but nothing physically had happened. I reacted badly by looking myself away and asking her to go to her mums with the kids. She now holds this against me - alongside ‘snooping. Despite the fact I found stuff and I reacted to this .
over the next few weeks more and more came out. She’s been to his house once, then 4 times. She liked him, liked him a lot, may love him etc.
I said we’d get through it and give it another go. 8 months later we are back to the bad place. I’ve struggled to accept she loves me and she feels that she has to walk on egg shells. We promised to try but I don’t agree that we did. Promised to communicate but we didn’t and then when I raised that we weren’t getting on- she agreed and said she wants to seperate. Again I reacted badly and rushed away to my sisters and got very depressed. She’s now had house valued and I’ve been in spare room with my stuff packed. I don’t want to split and we need to try. COVID has had an impact and she says she doesn’t love me but I think it’s the me - now, that the me before I found the messages. I want to try again and properly for us, her, me and the kids. I asked about Relate she said no. I accepted it. Then she called and said yes- so I booked it. She was then late to the call with them and did not engage. She’s repeatedly said she doesn’t want to try and I’ve said I do. One night I thought all night and came down and told her - ok I’ll stop and we can move on. She then immediately got upset and said she’s now not sure how she feels. That gave me hope. She’s now gone back and said no chance for her. I think we’ve both been erratic and this is a huge decision and needs more time. We haven’t had a date night since COVID and we have no childcare so no alone time. I’ve suggested we make that time and try, try again . She won’t have it. Ladies (and men) - is it over? Should I give up? What can I do??
I’m having counselling to help with my reactions (never violent) and she knows this and also to help me deal with her actions. This is big for me, alongside posting here as I never talk to anyone about this stuff.

Thanks I’m advance

Bumping up the thread, hope you get some good advice soon OP.

It all seems quite complex from your account of stuff, I think she used you and likes the other guy more?
I think it prob is over, you need s

Afresh start time to heal, take care

It’s over. You need to take control of the situation and move on.

Needssomehelp reading your post it seemed to me that you’re not really clear on what has upended your life. You sound confused and quite frankly in shock.

She has had an affair emotional most definitely and probably physical as there were sexual messages AND visits. She has gas lighted you, and then spent months trickle truthing you, these behaviours are abusive. She has watched as your mental health has declined and you have become more anxious (infidelity leads to a kind of PTSD with all of the same symptoms in play).

Why on earth would you want to stay with this woman?

I’m a real believer in reconciliation but only if the cheater is truly remorseful, this woman couldn’t care less about the damage she has done to you and to your family.

At no point are you to blame for running away on discovery or checking her phone. Both of these are natural behaviours to gas lighting and discovery of infidelity.

Please focus now on you. Accept this for the trauma it is and heal yourself. Get yourself some decent advice from a lawyer and start to get your head around separation.

Books I’d recommend ‘cheating in a nutshell’ and ‘leave a cheater gain a life’ will give you some perspective. There are video resources out there ‘affair recovery’ might help on YouTube. Surviving infidelity website is amazing even just reading threads there.

How many times are you going to keep trying again ? She’s had an affair, why are you still together - I know I wouldn’t be.
One of you needs to move out, while you both move on.

Thanks guys for your help and advice.
It’s an awful situation and one I can’t get my head around. I didn’t chose to be in this position and don’t like the fact my world has turned upside down

I know OP, it is absolutely hell and your choices have been stripped from you BUT you can control your response to what she is doing. Please work on getting stronger and getting out of her mess. Your children will need a dad they can depend on.

Sorry mate, sounds like a tough position to be in.
If your wife has had your house valued then probably fair to say she has mentally moved on from you, sorry
Have you spoken to solicitor about divorce ?,
Are you planning to sell or buy her out, you need to start thinking about these things and what about custody for you sons, are you going to push for 50:50 are they school age, will you both need accommodation large enough?
You need to put these questions to your wife ( who does the primary childcare duties, I noticed your wife is working), can you ask her to move out ?
What about money and savings & pension, do you know about all that stuff.
Sounds like you need to take control of the situation and drive it the way you want from now on.
Have a pint on me 🍻,

I think you both need 6 months apart- no filing for divorce , to both clarify how you feel. I know from experience it’s much harder I feel to think clearly when the other person is just there. I think covid has indeed been incredibly stressful for relationships that aren’t 100% solid and I think has played havoc with mental health. It may be your wife wants/needs to move on but I think time apart will bring this out in the wash- you should think positively too although I know it seems hard to do- do you really want to be with someone who isn’t 100% wanting to be with you anymore?

Again - thanks for your help and advice. Have started to get some plans into place. Interestingly- although under same roof- I thought it would be best to leave each other alone and not text for a week. She’s just come in to ask how I was and then: accused me of going through her e mails (which I didn’t) and then asked if I’m still having help. Said yes and she asked about it. I said that’s a matter for me only. She pushed and I mentioned this forum and the advice and she said I’m just asking questions I want to hear the answers too. It doesn’t fit her narrative so she started to attack me. Made my mind up now - toxic and thanks for your guidance.

I honestly think OP when it gets to this point that it’s better to separate and what will be will be— I think she is a very confused lady but you aren’t in the wrong and deserve better than being her whipping post- leave her to it

You need to give her nothing. She will not like you starting to enforce your boundaries, sadly this is typical.

Please remember you don’t owe her anything. She cheated, you did not. Everything you have done has been a response to the natural hyper vigilance and trauma of finding out about her affair. You are not to blame for her affair, it is all on her.

Keep conversations limited and to children and finances.

She has been used to calling all the shots and watching you twist yourself into knots trying to keep hold of your marriage, this will be a shock to her to see you stand up for yourself but stay firm.

It’s a horrible place to be, but you will get through.

It’s a bit like boxing, your probably feeling a bit punch drunk from all the emotional blows you have had, time to get your defensives up and start hitting back !

It's over. She doesn't want to work on it or reconcile. She has been pretty clear. Separation is inevitable but do what you can to be on good and communicative terms for the kids sake.