Everything is a mess and I'm completely lost

completleylost · 2021-08-18T03:50:04+00:00

I'm not sure where to start? I lost my mum 2 weeks ago and last week my husband of 3 years walked out. He came back last night and declared things over. Not due to not loving me but he no longer wants children ever (we were about to start trying again for our first) and cos he doesn't want to be in a relationship with anyone. He had cancer treatment last year and I've heard these things can happen quite often after cancer, a reevaluation of what's important but I'm completely broken. I'm in my early 30s and we've not had kids yet. He says he still loves me and it's not about us (I believe this, there was nothing wrong with our relationship) it's just what he wants from life has changed but I just can't imagine having to start again and not have him in my life. I never thought I'd be someone who was separating after 3 years, especially when we've been happy. What do I do?

2021V2 · 18/08/2021 04:54

Can you access emergency counselling through work and grief counselling at work? Can you take time off and go and stay with a friend?

ClaryFairchild · 18/08/2021 04:55

For you.

There really isn't anything you can do about the relationship. If he wants out of it then that's it.

Focus on yourself, and healing. He doesn't get to torture you and having everything his way, regardless of the reasons for doing this. He might well still love you, but now the focus is in you healing, and the best way to do that is away from him, so he needs to move out.

2021V2 · 18/08/2021 04:58

Counselling with him and yourself about children / not and to come to terms with it or decide if it a deal breaker might be something to try? But has he even suggested this or is it a deal breaker? In which case I’m thinking separation is your only options and in your situation I would sort the practicalities of living arrangements first. Yes cancer can trigger responses and much fear. But if that is his choice that’s all you do is respect it. You are emotionally extremely vulnerable right now - big hug.

Do you have friends in real life etc

tortoiselover100 · 18/08/2021 05:04

His timing is appalling, weeks after your mums death, what a callous bastard.

Original poster

completleylost · 18/08/2021 05:07

Thank you. I briefly suggested couples counselling and will mention this again today I think. It was very surreal, no shouting and screaming, just tears and love if that makes sense? I think that makes it a little harder, as I know this isn't about me but about him finding himself again after the cancer. Maybe I'm just being naive but it really does feel that way. This is the first time he ever spoke about not wanting children, we had been trying before! So that came as a huge shock. I did say he couldn't decide for me if it would be a deal breaker but he seems to have done that. And I suppose the fact I'm worried about starting again at my age and not having kids yet shows they are important to me but it also needs to be an informed choice right?? Not an on the spot decision for me. Although I'm sure it won't change things

OP posts:

Original poster

completleylost · 18/08/2021 05:23

@tortoiselover100

His timing is appalling, weeks after your mums death, what a callous bastard.

I agree, although it doesn't make it hurt any less. Especially as there's been no arguments or anything, not even when things were ending last night. It's so painful right now

OP posts:

twinningatlife · 18/08/2021 05:32

@tortoiselover100

His timing is appalling, weeks after your mums death, what a callous bastard.

I don't think there is ever a good time to be honest - it's better than to have waited several
More months or perhaps a year all the while the OP is expecting to be TTC

Original poster

completleylost · 18/08/2021 05:36

He did say this to be fair. He said it felt more unkind to carry on for months leading me along when he knew what he wanted. I see both sides. Not that I want to of course. I just want my husband to not leave me when he's saying he still loves me

OP posts:

coodawoodashooda · 18/08/2021 05:41

I am so sorry you are going through this.

Nobloat21 · 18/08/2021 05:45

No. Bullshit. Your mum literally just died. He is making this all about him. I could never ever forgive him for this. I would hate him for his lack of support and care. What an absolute wanker. Tell him to fuck off.

AlternativePerspective · 18/08/2021 05:58

Tbh I think that thinking about whether or not he did/didn’t do the right thing isn’t going to make things any easier.

At the end of the day he wants out, and the best way forward now is to tell him that he needs to move out so that you can both get on with your lives.And then access counselling through other means, for yourself.

As hard as it is, not having children now is actually a positive, because you can make a clean break without the need to ever see him again.

I am sorry you are going through this.

CustardyCreams · 18/08/2021 06:06

I’m so very sorry about your mum.

When you look back you will realise your DH’s timing is so selfish and heartless. Your DH has obviously been thinking about this for a while and knew it is bound to be agony for you to have to choose between your love for him and your desire for a family. And sure he doesn’t want to string you along, but really just weeks after your mum died, it is a terrible time to ask you to process the potential end of your marriage. You stuck with him through his cancer treatment and now he figures he wants to throw the no-kids bomb into your relationship? Bastard.

You know what? You do whatever you like. Don’t feel under any obligation to decide now. You can string HIM along for a bit. Focus on getting yourself into a better place. Focus on thinking about what would happen if you split up. If you want counselling with him, tell him he owes you, he has to come along. If he wants counselling together and you don’t, then do what YOU want.

On the face of it, I wouldn’t want this man walking alongside me through life.

You do honestly still have time to find another partner and have children. IME, that desire to start a family gets stronger and stronger, so if you want that, I would ask your DH to leave swiftly so you can put the pieces of your life back together.

Everything seems awful now, but in twelve months you could be in a very different position and this terrible time, this pain, will be behind you.

So sorry you are dealing with this.

coodawoodashooda · 18/08/2021 06:43

@CustardyCreams

I’m so very sorry about your mum.

When you look back you will realise your DH’s timing is so selfish and heartless. Your DH has obviously been thinking about this for a while and knew it is bound to be agony for you to have to choose between your love for him and your desire for a family. And sure he doesn’t want to string you along, but really just weeks after your mum died, it is a terrible time to ask you to process the potential end of your marriage. You stuck with him through his cancer treatment and now he figures he wants to throw the no-kids bomb into your relationship? Bastard.

You know what? You do whatever you like. Don’t feel under any obligation to decide now. You can string HIM along for a bit. Focus on getting yourself into a better place. Focus on thinking about what would happen if you split up. If you want counselling with him, tell him he owes you, he has to come along. If he wants counselling together and you don’t, then do what YOU want.

On the face of it, I wouldn’t want this man walking alongside me through life.

You do honestly still have time to find another partner and have children. IME, that desire to start a family gets stronger and stronger, so if you want that, I would ask your DH to leave swiftly so you can put the pieces of your life back together.

Everything seems awful now, but in twelve months you could be in a very different position and this terrible time, this pain, will be behind you.

So sorry you are dealing with this.

This is one of the best posts i have ever read on mumsnet.