How Long Would You ‘Bumble Along’ For?

[Lokidile]

Been with BF for almost two years, friends before that.

We get on well, laugh together and share similar interests, etc. and spend as much time as possible together.

We each have children from our previous relationships, they have met and we’ve just successfully been away on holiday all together.

All seems fine, except times where any talk about the future come up. BF is very laid back, but even so, his attitude is very much ‘take each day as it comes’ and says he finds thinking about the future depressing

So my question really is whether I’m wrong to feel like that’s not really good enough? I feel like my future - and our future as a couple and in turn, a blended family - deserve some proper consideration and discussion?

He's telling you who he is. Through his attitude to conversations about your combined future he doesn't see this as something to develop further. If this is a deal breaker for you then walk away.

I think how you feel is very reasonable. If it were me i’d be wondering if he likes things as they are and doesn’t want them to change so is avoiding any discussion of the future. The taking each day as it comes is perfectly fine after all - if you’re perfectly fine with each day being what you have right now!

A few random thoughts, OP.

Even if you and he have a future: do you have to have a blended family? They are bloody hard work, and are not romantic. Could you imagine any scenario in which you and your DC could have their home and he and his DC could have their home, and the two could meet without having to share a house and all that this entails?

How old are your respective DC?

Would you imagine having DC with him?

These things all make a difference to how you might shape a relationship.

I could gladly have a relationship with someone else, but there is nothing in the universe that would persuade me to throw in my lot with them in terms of buying a house together etc. If I feared a conversation were going that way, I'd say exactly what your boyfriend said, OP.

I'm in a similar boat OP but if anything it has taught me to chill out. My DP doesn't want any children but gets on well with my DS. His laidbackness has helped me realise I don't want us to live together as a stepfamily. We won't have kids together. So actually our future is just time to enjoy together :) and it has taken the pressure right off.

I also agree that blended families can be stressful
Can you envisage a future where you maybe live together when the kids fly the nest

Well my answer is this- I am in the same position but left three weeks ago. Another one bumbling along, no commitment did what he wants, doesn’t listen, it’s taken it’s toll on me now. Life’s for living I’d rather not feel strung along. How long have you been together?

His view is valid.

What kind of things do you want to discuss?

Nobody can tell you you're right or wrong to feel a particular way. Your emotions come from the very heart of you and they are the definition of you. Your feelings are your truth.

If you feel it needs discussing, tell him that, and tell him it's very important to you. If he still dismisses the idea of a conversation, I'd be thinking that you don't have the same long term goals/desires/needs... and you know where that lands you.

I'd also say that I don't think you're bumbling along, I think you're 'being bumbled', if you see what I mean. It's not a passive relationship state - it's something that he's doing in the relationship which is preventing you from getting what you want from the relationship. He is actively bumbling you.

I guess that I hadn’t realised how important it was to feel like I was in a partnership that feels like a genuine team where we feel like we’re building something meaningful together.

To answer some of the questions raised;

I can’t have any more children for medical reasons.

My DC are 13 and 9, BFs are 14 and 5.

The idea that I am ‘being bumbled’ resonates - and O think I object to it because I feel like I’ve been way too passive in previous relationships and ended up getting hurt…

I am a bit of a bumbler now. Its all because of the horrendous pain I suffered when the long term relationships I had, which were full of discussions and plans and excitement suddenly stopped when the boyfriend I was with suddenly left for someone else. The absolute agony of processing the sudden stop of all the forward plans, the imagined future was sometimes just too much to bear. Sadly, this has had a consequence to how I am in my current relationship. I take each day as it comes, futures are not really projected forward....thankfully my OH is of the same mindset as he went through a tough divorce. So, it maybe that you OH is simply not wanting to make future plans and is happy living in the moment. This may not be for you so you may need to think of what you want from him and make decisions based on that.

I guess that I hadn’t realised how important it was to feel like I was in a partnership that feels like a genuine team where we feel like we’re building something meaningful together

What would he say if you told him you wanted a proper, serious conversation about something, got him sat down, and explained to him that this is important to you?

If you feel you've been passive in the past, this is how you need to step up, now. Will he just brush you off, even in that context?

OP, merging families where there are four children aged 14, 13, 9 and 5 is a very, very big step. This isn't just about you and your boyfriend and where you see your relationship going: It's about managing the needs of four children as well. Given the ages of the younger two, you have both been involved with previous partners not that long ago; if you enter into a relationship with someone with children, you also enter into a relationship with their children's other parent/s. It's a massive thing to do. This may well be why your boyfriend is happy just to 'bumble', and to continue to bumble you.

FWIW, my DC are older (youngest is now 17) - but there is nothing in any universe that would convince me to move to the 'next stage' of a relationship with a man who had younger children. A man with younger children would be fine, so long as we had our own houses, lots of sex without worrying about being overheard, and separate finances. I would be very happy to have a warm and friendly relationship with this imaginary man's children and for him to have the same with mine - but, like your boyfriend, I would be wanting to take each day as it comes.

That's a slightly different situation from yours, as you do both have school-aged children. However, I can completely see why your boyfriend might absolutely love being with you, spending time with you, even going on holiday with all your children (who may well entertain one another very well and give you both a break in that situation, when they're not competing for bedrooms or attention) - but not want to live with you and enter into the whole 'step-family' dynamic. That wouldn't be a reflection on you or how much he likes you: it's would be a reflection on him being in a way quite sensible and knowing that what he has now is very nice, and that it might be less nice once you add four children, ex partners, contact arrangements and real life into the mix.

Obviously, though, the only way you can find out is by asking him.