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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I know I’m overthinking but what would you do?! Urgent advice please!

48 replies

Klallls · 17/08/2021 18:32

Been with DP about 8 months. We’ve only recently been staying over for longer periods a of say 3/4 consecutive nights. This last week I’ve stayed with him since Thursday night, so last night was night 5. It’s all been nice and no issues but I was supposed to leave today after he had gone to work (I work from home). We live around 1 hour fifteen minutes apart.

I ended up having to go into the office which is very close to his house. I finished at 6 and was exhausted. I don’t want to have to drive back at this time as I have a huge meeting tomorrow that I want to prep for. I would have prepped today but was asked to go into the office for something else so I’ve effectively lost that time.

Anyway. I messaged DP and just said I’ve just finished in the office and could really do with prepping my work this eve at the house as I am getting a bit anxious that I haven’t done the prep today. He’s still at work (always works late). So I’ve let myself back in with the only key (usually left in the letterbox).

He’s replied saying sure of course I can work from there this eve and that he will see me around half 7.

I don’t know if I’m being silly or overly anxious but does he presume I’m not staying over? And if so is that a bad sign for the relationship?

I realise after so long I should be able to be more direct with him about this and not worry, but he’s early 40s and been single since he was 29 so I know he likes his space and it’s only been the last couple of months we have really started to spend more time together. I guess I’m now worried he feels I’ve trapped him into having the evening together and I’m not sure where I stand with staying over?!

I know this is a complete drama and me overthinking but how would you deal with this?

OP posts:

sunnyzweibrucken · 17/08/2021 19:23

I don’t think you’ve ruined it but if I was him I’d be a little annoyed if I was expecting to have my house to myself that night. I wouldn’t say anything though and it wouldn’t be a deal breaker as long as it didn’t happen regularly.

Alonelonelylonersbadidea · 17/08/2021 19:53

Gosh my DP was 40 and had always been single when we met and he, after saying he liked his own space, wanted me to move instantaneously. You are overthinking it probably.
See how things are when he gets in, do your prep and then ask him if he's like you to go home. And then stay if not. Everyone's a winner

Pinkbonbon · 17/08/2021 19:59

Not sue I'd be comfortable with someone I was seeing letting themself into my house and staying over for more than a couple of nights at a time. But surely he would have hinted by now if it was really bothering him.

I'd just say when he gets home 'sorry to stay over another night, you must be needing some space by now. But I'm so knackered. Promise I'll head home tomorrow'. Job done.

vanityfairsbackpage · 17/08/2021 20:00

I’d be pretty annoyed if I was him yeh

Original poster

Klallls · 17/08/2021 20:02

He’s said it’s fine and that he thinks I should drive tomorrow not tonight. Seems genuine but I’m second guessing it now after reading this thread! Also not sure I believe him as I know he’s keen on his space

OP posts:

honeybuns007 · 17/08/2021 20:16

@GreyCarpet

Tbh, I'd have gone home.

After 5 nights with someone, I'd want own space for a bit.

But now you're in that situation, I'd tell him I was going to head off home at about 10 and see what he says. I presume he'll say either OK or there's no rush, you can stay.

what, forEVER? You would always want to be alone after a few days? Will you never live with anyone then?

honeybuns007 · 17/08/2021 20:21

@Klallls

Don't second guess OP. It is ENTIRELY irrelevant what people on MN think. Everyone is different. Some never want to share their space, others move in together straight away. SOme people need most of their week alone, others like a day or two here or there to themselves. The only people's opinion that matters here are yours and your partners. No one else here can say whether he would be annoyed or smiling through gritted teeth or thrilled to be having another night with you

spotcheck · 17/08/2021 20:29

He said it was ok for you to stay. Said you should stay over.... Stop stressing over this, and do your presentation!
Next week, maybe leave him wanting a bit more of you ☺️

GreyCarpet · 17/08/2021 20:31

Stop overthinking it now. He's given you his response just accept it at face value.

what, forEVER? You would always want to be alone after a few days? Will you never live with anyone then?

No. I tried it once and didn't like it. I wouldn't live with anyone else again.

Lolabray · 17/08/2021 20:40

Id perhaps go home and spend a few days there, after tonight

Palavah · 17/08/2021 20:43

@Klallls

Take him at his word, focus on your prep and calm down!

Floralnomad · 17/08/2021 20:49

I think you have made a huge mountain out of a molehill , he said work from his and told you what time he’d be in , none of that could be construed as you over staying your welcome .

minniemouseshouses · 17/08/2021 20:56

Op just relax. If he’s 40 I’m sure he’s a big enough boy to tell you if he wants you to leave! X

Harriedharriet · 17/08/2021 20:57

@Klallls

The best way to kill something is to get all insecure and weird. He said it is ok, take it at face value. You can casually recognise in conversation that he was probably looking forward to an evening alone and you appreciate the effort. But leave it at that, do the prep for your meeting tomorrow, give your head a wobble, breath and see that all is ok!

toocold54 · 17/08/2021 21:03

Why couldn’t you have gone back to his to finish your work, had dinner and then go home?

You’ve definitely not risked the relationship and one more night isn’t going to make you completely over stay your welcome.

Mandalay246 · 17/08/2021 21:06

I don’t understand what you’re fretting at. He’s said it’s fine for you to go back to his. Am I missing something?

This, I am literally struggling to understand why you think he isn't expecting you to stay. You are overthinking this.

lovescaca · 17/08/2021 21:06

U seem a bit intense op, u need to chill

lovescaca · 17/08/2021 21:07

If you only stay 15mins apart why can't u go home? X

lovescaca · 17/08/2021 21:09

1hr 15* my bad

Rach888 · 17/08/2021 23:36

I think your overthinking is more likely to ruin the relationship than this ‘problem’, I’m sure everything is fine :) Men are black and white communicators, if he told you to stay, he doesn’t mind you staying. Simples!

BringOnTheOtherWorlders · 17/08/2021 23:56

I think you should have gone home. If your office is near his house, you are used to the drive anyway. To me, it sounds like you are making excuses to spend even more time with him.

Sakurami · 18/08/2021 01:12

If you finsihed late and the meeting is near his house too it makes sense for you to stay over so you get a chance to prep and relax.

It's a one off so I wouldn't worry about it.

I like my space and don't want to live with him but my boyfriend has stayed over for a week a few times and it's not been a problem.

Lampan · 18/08/2021 08:23

Have you posted about him before?
Do you perhaps have other reasons to think you are more invested in this than he is? I think you wouldn’t have these worries if you felt you were both equally keen and invested in the relationship.
Stay tonight but if you know he likes his own space then leave him to it for the next few days.
You might be incompatible if you both want different levels of interaction and time spent together.

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