Family sexual assault charge - trigger warning.

[Olivemeadows]

Name changed for this one. Please go easy on me I am a mess.

I have a very complicated background with my family on the mother’s side. A lot of mental health issues, neglect, strained relationships and ones that have impacted my life massively. I am mid 30s now. I deal with the past much better on the whole, I didn’t cope very well growing up.

Yesterday, my brother got arrested on sexual assault accusations. My daughter was in the car and saw the four officers take him away and was quite distressed by it, naturally. I was giving my mum a lift back home and we got there just as they were taking him out.

A few years ago, out of the blue, he got arrested on a ‘sex crime’ accusation, where the first my mum heard of it was when they raided my mums property late at night and took his phone and his laptop. My brother is and always has been the golden child to my mum so of course she was hysterical and outraged that someone could accuse him of this. Was convinced he was innocent.

Basically, he was taking pictures under the changing cubicles at his local swimming baths, a young lady caught him and reported him and he fled. They caught up to him and arrested him. Very strange to hear he had done such a thing - he had a long term girlfriend at the time, who both were living at my mums house.

His girlfriend rang me upset when I was at work, and told me that although she believed he couldn’t have possibly done anything like that, she remembered he gave her an old phone to give to her grandma at the time who was in need of one. She had recovered the phone and had a proper look through, and found some very disturbing videos of short clips of what looked like spying on teenage school girls coming out of school. And then realised the person who has been doing the filming was him.

They found more on the devices the police has confiscated. Absolutely heartbreaking for everyone, including his girlfriend who was obviously very confused at the time. It turns out he was walking out early in the morning at school times and hiding in bushes etc and filming the poor young girls.

At the time, me and my daughter (who was about 6?) had temporarily moved in to my mums, and therefore my brothers address and was sleeping in my mums bedroom whilst we was in between homes. Because of this, social services got involved there being a minor at the property, got the school involved and my DD’s dad found out who tried to take her off my care. The stress and the impact on my life at the time I was barely breathing with how selfish and stupid he could be not realising that his actions didn’t just impact him and the poor girls involved in but on myself and my family too. The guilt of being the mother who put her child at risk was unbearable, although as it turns out she was okay and had been in no danger from him, He has never wanted anything to do with his niece and he has never been alone in a room with her. I told my mum that I didn’t want anything to do with him anymore and that he certainly won’t be having any relationship with my daughter to which I got called a bitch, selfish, a horrible person and her words were ‘if you abandon him as a bother, I will abandon you as a daughter.’ Go figure, I had left home years before when I was 13 because of who she is and my relationship with her only started building up again when I had my DD at 21.

My brother got let off lightly, mental health services got involved because he cleverly denied everything and played up that he wasn’t mentally present at the time of these actions and that he had ‘blackouts’. I got asked to speak to him and he was on his knees crying saying that they didn’t believe him and he was desperately trying to get me on his side. I said I’d be there to make any appointments for him but that’s as far as my help with it went. I think I was the only person in the family who didn’t fall for his act.

Anyway, fast forward to yesterday, I know there is more to just a sexual assault accusation because they wanted to search the house for his phone and any other devices. When they arrested him, they couldn’t find his phone so came back this morning for it. My mum found it under the dresser and said he must have lost it there as he was poorly off work and had made a bed in the living room that day. Low and behold, I saw he was active on social media a minute before the police took him so he obviously hid it on purpose away from them and lied about it.

I am struggling so so badly with this, not only is it bringing back all the distress that he made us suffer last time but my mum is constantly on the phone updating me every ten minutes and ranting and crying about her ‘poor son being poorly in a jail cell’ and I can’t deal with it. I feel like I am being forced to stand my her and as much as I feel sorry for her (no mother wants to experience that!) I feel like I just can’t be this time, I don’t have it in me. My Aunty was there last night to hold her hand and I was on speaker and I just overheard her going ‘that poor lad had not touched anyone, it’s probably some silly little bitch spreading lies and wanting attention…’ and it made me want to rip my throat out. My anxiety is through the roof over it all, not only because it’s a close family member and it’s sickening to think he could do something like this AGAIN but because I have a history of being sexually harassed and assaulted myself and it’s highly triggering for me to the point I just want to run away and cut everyone off rather than deal with it. The Sarah Everard case was hard enough to cope with a few months back, it had me tied to my bed for days with panic attacks and I feel like I’ve only just got some control over my emotions over that. And now this is too close to home and I just can’t be there with my mum crying over it all on the phone I just can’t.

My partner knows something went on years ago and social services were implicated in it but I haven’t ever been ballsy to tell him outright what had happened. He knows and suspects something went on with me years ago with the harassment, because of the way I act around men and how teary and frightened I get over hearing triggering things like the Sarah Everard case. I told him last night I’ll talk about why he got arrested but I just can’t bring myself up to bring it out to the front yet, it’s a box of anxiety I have been trying to keep away and move on from but this incident is forcing it to the forefront of my mind.

Please help me deal with this. I hate my family for the shit they have tied me in to over the years it feels like one thing after another. I’m dreading to hear the full story when the police return him because I know I’m my gut that he has not been arrested for no reason. I think it’s safe to say any relationship (Although it was very minimal after the first incident) with my brother has now been destroyed and my mother won’t forgive me for that.

How do you feel about just saying to your Mum you don’t want to be updated? You’d have to practise, “I’m not discussing bro’s name” “Don’t involve me Mum, I’m not discussing bro’s name” and repeat.

I feel like there is a lot of expectation from my family to be there for her - shes somewhat mentally challenged (I won’t say impaired because that’s not what it is) and I’m always the one to take the fall for her when she needs the help, I am her openly daughter and my brother is, well, there are lots of words to describe what sort of person he is but I won’t go there just now. So the family and herself rely on me quite heavily and there is pressure for me to ‘be good’ to her of that’s makes sense.

She will not take it lightly and will cause he’ll if I tell her now to involve me, the family will as well.

I left home when I was younger because of her ways (it was either fight or flight, there was a lot of neglect, she was mentally very unwell which made me unwell and I chose to leave home because of I didn’t I wouldn’t have been here much longer.) she tried to commit suicide because I had left, and the whole fucking family pointed their finger at me for it. Not the nicest situation for a child to deal with. It’s take the blade or be punished by them with my mother’s side, they aren’t empathetic at all.

I don’t know if I’m scared of making her mental state worse, or scared of inviting in even more drama if I turn around and say I don’t want any part of being there for you this time and it sounds incredibly selfish but I’m sick of having to be the one to pick them up all the time.

Do you want a relationship with your mother? Or do you just have a case of FOG (fear, obligation, guilt)?
I think once you actually unpick it, you might realise that she isn't a healthy influence in your life and you would be happier without her in it. Then you could just walk away from the whole sorry mess and perhaps you'd be able to breathe.

I think that you need to put yourself first. And that might mean cutting yourself off from your mother and your brother. You sound incredibly stressed and worried and you won't be able to carry on like this much longer.

She’s not a great influence on my life no, although she’s not a bad person her actions and words and just generally being the way she is has been quite harmful and I must admit that the main reason I keep her in my life is because my daughter wants a relationship with her grandma.

Other than that the rest of it is just a mess of complicated emotion. I didn’t cope too well with ‘losing her’ for all those years, in fact I got myself in to a right mess. Maybe I do feel
Obliged to stand by her and be her personal therapist because that’s ‘what family does’ but this one I know is mentally too much for me to get involved in. No one wants to hear that of their brother. No one wants to hear that their family are that deluded they will make excuses up for his actions. I feel physically sick over it all.

She’s been trying to ring me all afternoon and I can’t bring myself to answer the phone I just want to get away from it

This is making you ill. Your priority is quite rightly your daughter. You cannot pour from an empty cup and this toxic family dynamic is rapidly depleting your resources emotionally, making you feel physically sick and mentally unwell with anxiety etc.

Please prioritise you and your daughter. To do this, I would seek some counselling as soon as possible to start to dismantle the fear, obligation and guilt that is making you feel you don't have full agency in this situation when you do.

That's not to say it won't be hard to change your role in the dynamic, or go no contact if that isn't possible, but it's important you do.

The way your mum / auntie spoke about the case and dismissed a female victim as a 'silly little bitch' would have me absolutely refusing to rely on their judgement and ability to provide healthy points of view to my daughter.

They know full well he's a predator. They just don't want to accept the reality that comes along with openly admitting it. It's easier to make life hell for you, be toxic and pretend it's all a lie than it is to live in reality.

You can live in reality though, with your little girl. Toxic families need to have the cycle broken at some point, it's the greatest gift you could give your daughter especially as they seem to be happy to victim blame too.

Put yourself first. Put your daughter first.

Mute her notifications, change her ring tone to silent. You don't owe her this level of hand holding, certainly not based on how she's treated you so far.

You don't have to antagonise her with it, and if she asks about not answering say you don't know and shrug.

Your time is valuable and so is your mental health. Your brother and mother are not worth more than you.

Thank you for your replies, it feels nice for someone to actually stuck up for me for a change. Even my friends haven’t ever understood completely, they have always been ‘Awh but your mum is just your mum’ and dismissed her behaviour, or found stuff I’ve complained about funny. My friend lost her mum recently, and I know they had a strained relationship but she really retreats not trying with her more and I don’t want that to be me.

I think even my partner has a soft spot for her, he has said her parenting is unconventional before but she generally ‘harmless’ but he did not live the life
I lived as a child, so he wouldn’t know would he? Parental ties are really difficult. She has also lost her dad, my grandad this year which has hit us all hard and she’s been as needy as ever. Unfortunately my brother has gone too far for me to even feel any sisterly remorse over him this time.

My Aunty I have tried to cut ties with as well as she is bullying (including towards my mum) and gobby and nasty and used to physically harm her own children, just hearing her say that on the phone I’m not surprised she has that attitude but I will not tolerate victim blaming I will not.

Sounds like there is more than just your mum in the family who are toxic. They blame you when you are not there for her. When you were a child, it's her who should of been there for you.
Worth considering going no contact with the lot of them, I can't see why you wouldn't. Somehow, I think you will find your DM will manage to muddle through life without your help. Perhaps the toxic others are more in fear of her turning to them for support, I'd doubt truth be told, they want to have to deal with her and your bro either. Leave them to it, she has her sister and it sounds like they deserve each other for company, they are a nasty bunch by the sounds of it.

You need to put your own self and daughter first before your mental health is further trashed by your toxic family of origin. Its not your fault they are this disordered and you did not make them that way.

Re your comment:-
"she’s not a great influence on my life no, although she’s not a bad person her actions and words and just generally being the way she is has been quite harmful and I must admit that the main reason I keep her in my life is because my daughter wants a relationship with her grandma".

Many adult children of disordered of thinking parents make this mistake to allow their child to have a relationship with the grandparent. The truism here is that if a relative/parent is too toxic/difficult/batshit for YOU to deal with (and it clearly is), its the same deal for your child too. Your mother, aunt and brother are not emotionally healthy or safe enough to be at all around; they're all highly dysfunctional and victim blame.

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles; what are your roles here?. She certainly has you pegged as scapegoat and or unpaid therapist to her.

I would also think that if you had been arrested for a crime your mother would probably think you deserve to be arrested and or everything you get from the courts. She will always deny his crimes and defend her golden child son to the world because in her eyes he can do no wrong. Denial is also a powerful force.

Take a deep breath.

Tell your partner that you need his help to make a clean break from your family.

Ask your GP, HV and anyone else you have regular contact with for help dealing with this. Maybe contact SS again, asking for help now that this has all come back up again.

Gather up all the formal support you can. Consider moving and anything else you need to do to make your life better, more stable, for you to be less of the family scapegoat - because that is what you are at the moment.

Basically save yourself! Run away if you have to!

Best of luck working through it all!

Tell your partner block her on your phone and your aunt step out of the situation now

It took me so long to cut ties with my mum, so much neglect abuse etc, it wasn't till she said my dead father had tainted my son with autism that I walked away. Thankfully he wasn't there at the time. As mums we need to protect our children and realise horrible people do not change. It was the hardest thing ever to walk away, it took about 5 years for me to be peaceful with it. I'm so much happier and I do not have to shield my boy from her.

Your responsibility is to yourself and your child. Your brother and mother are adults who can look out for themselves.

In your shoes I would NOTHING further to do with your brother. I would suggest your mother chooses who she wishes to support. If it's your brother, simply walk away.

I know this is easy to say but hard to do... BUT apologising for your brother's actions or believing "it's all a mistake" would mean I would have nothing more to do with any of them.

If you must maintain contact (for now) I would be very strict. I will speak to you at 8pm on Sunday for example. Everytime she phones up and it's not 8pm on Sunday, you repeat, say goodbye and hang up. Give yourself a time limit for that call and stick to it. Other people can only take up as much space as you let them. I really understand the parentified role you took as a child, it wasnt fair and it continues not to be fair. I did it too but at some point you have to say enough is enough to protect yourself. That's not selfish, that's being someone with good boundaries and who can build resilience to support themselves and those who you choose to support on your own terms.

Do the police now have his phone? I think it's important that they do.

Yes the police now have his phone, my mum found it and I told her it’s important she hands it over, which she did when they arrived this morning.

He is home now, they could only keep him for 24 hours, I’m not sure whether they still have the phone or not. Apparently it was his ex girlfriend who reported him. They broke up a few months ago, so I’m not sure what’s happened there but I do know where I stand by in all of this and it’s not him.

I am going to give my head a few days I think it’s important. My anxiety has calmed a little since switching my phone off and taking DD out for the evening, so I’m going to try and use the quiet to settle my peace of mind before telling my mum I don’t want to ever get involved in any of this ever again, whether she needs a shoulder to cry on or not.