I just feel like such an idiot

[PhoenixFreesias]

Nearly a decade of marriage down the drain. It’s been on life support for about half of that.

All the things that eventually drove us apart were there in the beginning, we just thought we could overcome them.

I shouldn’t have tried so hard the last few years. Just my parents’ divorce was so bad, I couldn’t bear to think of us going the same way.

I am really fucking sad and lonely and I feel embarrassed and like an idiot to boot.

I know it’ll pass and I’m starting to see my new life etc etc. But I’m so sad we couldn’t make it work and so mad at myself I didn’t quit sooner.

Hindsight is easy. It could have worked out and then you would have been glad you tried.

At least now you can be sure it needed to end.

Thank you @Aria999, that really helped

Sometimes things don’t work out. People talk about ‘failed’ marriages - so what? There’s nothing wrong with failure. You both started out with (I am guessing) good intentions and hopes of living happily together forever and it hasn’t turned out that way. Okay. So accept it and get on with the rest of your life now. Do not waste time and energy on pointless guilt or regrets.

The thing is, you aren’t ready to leave a marriage until you’re ready. Your head and your heart have to line up, and that can take a little while. @Aria999 is right, you can walk away knowing you really tried.

And the end of a marriage isn’t a failure. It just didn’t work out. You should be proud of yourself for trying to make it work, and proud of yourself for walking away when it was clear it was over. That takes real strength. Take time to heal, be kind to yourself and focus on the bright future you have ahead of you 💐

Thank you @Durbeyfield and @Treetops73. Yes, there is very, very little “what if…?”. I tried everything I could think of and then some. In his own way, he did too. We just kept missing the moment and each other.

There’s one thing I wish we had learned to do early on, but that’s more of a “live and learn” thing, something to bear in mind if/when I get in a relationship again. I’ve lea Ned a lot from the ten years we lived together. And we’re parting amicably and staying friends, we’re both much more emotionally healthy, so I don’t think of it as failure.

Anyway, I’m in a better frame of mind now. Thanks for your help.

I could have written this!

I veer between "I tried until I couldn't try anymore" to "why did I waste so much time".

I don't have an answer just you're not alone x

Torturing yourself over wasted time is further wasted time. Let it go. You did what you needed to do in the moment, but if you think you were an idiot to waste time in your marriage, what kind of idiot will you feel yourself to be if you waste another year (or month) on it, now it's over?

Thank you @chemikazi. It’s a bit of an emotional rollercoaster at times isn’t it? But better to feel your feeling and reflect a bit than just move on and repeat the same mistakes again.

Really glad to see your latest posts. A relationship isn't a failure because it ends. We get so much out of so many of our relationships, most of which will end at some point. Our culture tends to define the success of a relationship by its longevity but there can be incredibly rich fulfilling relationships that only last a short time. If you learned a lot from each other, are ending more emotionally healthy than before and are still friends then that is a relationship which is an ongoing success!

Im feeling like this today, even though my "dh" is acting so hostile to me, I'm still feeling guilty about tearing the family apart, the kids will be devastated , I know in my heart I can't keep going on likevthis and nothing will ever change but today I'm feeling torn apart by guilt, other days I wish I had left years ago. Such an emotional rollercoaster and I'm completely drowning and struggling today big time ...😭😭

Thank you @mswales I really agree about looking at the impact and meaning of relationships not just their length.

Sorry to hear you are struggling @Hopeful22 take care and look after yourself

You can only go with what you feel at the time and it is much easier to see clearly when you no longer have all the love/lust pheromones clouding your vision.

Ahh, the lust ones definitely faded a long time ago @sakurami. The love ones lingered longer.

I absolutely remember feeling like that and you’re right that it will pass but allow yourself time to feel sad and angry-you need to grieve. But you know you did everything you could to work on your marriage and that the end was the end.