Am I always going to get the ick?

[Legallybleachblonde]

I'll try and be brief! ExH and I split up Christmas 2016. He had an affair with a work colleague and they now live together. We get on well and co-parent DS6.

Ive had a a couple of short 'relationships' since my ex left but they've fizzled out for one reason or another. I was devastated when ex left me and physically unwell for months. I had to rebuild my life bit by bit. This all seems like a lifetime ago now and I am now used to living by myself and being self-sufficient. I work 25 hours a week so I can fit in the school runs and after school clubs etc. Ex is a great Dad, we parent well together and he pays maintenance and buys extras for DS on top.

I have recently re-kindled a relationship with someone from from long ago. He's a lovely kind and caring man and everything (on paper) I have been longing for. But.... for some reason, I can't feel for him what I did for my son's Dad (and he treated me so badly!) and I still miss what my ex and I had, even though it was all lies. I am perfectly okay and don't have these thoughts when I'm on my own but as soon as I meet someone, I feel a range of emotions from missing them and feeling anxious/insecure to completely stifled and wanted to cut things off. Can anyone explain what is going on here because I want to move on but feel I can't - and it's been nearly 5 years! Maybe I've just not met the right person?

I lost my Mum in January to Alzheimer's (and then she got Covid) so I'm particularly sensitive atm. The new chap is very understanding yet I can feel my barriers have gone right up.

If it's of any relevance, I'm 50 and perimenopausal (now on hrt). Even just writing all this it's apparent I have a lot going on. I don't want to lose the new chap but equally feel like telling him to back off. I really don't get myself anymore.

This sounds very much like an avoidant attachment style you have. Google it. I to some extent had it in the past but have worked on myself and become from 'secure' now.

Essentially it sounds like you've not gotten over your past, and your attachment style is getting in the way of your new relationship. A good tip is to chat to your new partner and explain you need to take things slower. But also it sounds like you need to talk to a councillor so you go into new relationships with a clear head.

I’ve no advice to offer OP but you strike me as a lovely warm person, so I hope you find strategies to overcome this and have the happiness you deserve

I wonder whether it is a self- preservation thing? Like you start looking for faults or pushing them away because you don’t want to get hurt again? And if they get too close there is more chance of you feeling hurt if it ends. It’s very understandable given what you’ve been through with your ex and everything else you have had going on recently.

Maybe you could speak to a counsellor about it?

Welsh this is what I think, it's exactly what avoidant attachment is.

For me if I don't like someone I automatically know. But in the past I would go through these range of emotions and at the core of it I was worried about getting hurt again.

Anxious avoidant as well - so if you feel insecure in the interaction you get anxious but if they try to get too close you get avoidant. It’s probably a really natural response to being so hurt by your ExH.

How long have you been seeing this new man for? It could be that it’s just a different pace to what you’re used to, and don’t forget you had such a lot of history with your ex and it takes time to
build that with someone new. Also, when you’re used to loving someone who hurts you there’s a great deal of anxiety and fear wrapped up in that love which can make it feel more intense. When it’s not there with someone new you can wonder do you really feel as much for them? Well, maybe not, but often what’s missing is the massive anxiety and pain - as well as feeling scared of it happening again.

I thought the ick was when something about them physically repulses you. But anyway, you are always going to compare a new man to your ex until you don't! How long is a piece of string? Crikey, if I could make one man from picking the best qualities of all those I've dated - he'd be perfect, lol.
Could you ask him if you could take a break and see how you feel in a few weeks?

Avoidant attachment behaviour
Was your ex an emotionally withholding sexy bastard? Those are the only men I usually want to pursue a relationship with the nice ones give me the ick.

Thanks for your replies! Haha @CloseYourEyesAndSee yes, he was sexy, cool, aloof and hardly ever wanted to have sex which I never got to the bottom of - we were together 9 years. He breadcrumbed me the whole time; it was not a healthy relationship. And when he announced he was leaving me (the day after Boxing Day) he had no desire to discuss it, after dropping the initial bombshell and I think that has been a major obstacle in my road to recovery. He lied about the OW and even when I found out, he couldn't have cared less. It was traumatic. Time has healed but I never really got answers.

New man has been in my life for 5 months. We worked together years ago when we were young and had a brief but quite intense relationship; too much so for me at the time as I was only 20.

He is patient and knows I'm grieving the loss of my Mum who was taken so suddenly, I still can't quite believe what happened and how quickly her illness escalated. He's told me he's not going anywhere - he's steady, straightforward and a really nice person so I don't want to lose him. He works away most of the year so I will get my 'space' then. He's so in to me I can't quite believe the sincerity - I can thank the ex for that! 🙄

I know I put pressure on myself to be a good daughter to my Dad (who is obviously suffering); a good Mum, sister and friend. Sometimes it's all a bit overwhelming.

I think I shall get some more counselling through my work EAP.