Help me reason with myself

[katieg03]

Hoping you ladies can help me sort myself out.

I was previously married to a pig of an alcoholic - left him 4 years ago two boys 11 and 7 for context. He never ever drunk in the house. Just the pub which was lonely as you can imagine.

Had very brief relationships but nothing serious until recently when I thought finally this is it. I'm 36. Not that I guess it matters he is 40 one daughter (17) he has full custody of but due to his job stays with his mum.

He is offshore and hoc and she chose to stay with her.

He recently lost his job and didn't tell me. He failed a random alcohol test and had been drinking the night before. He drinks most nights and I know that this is just in my head history repeating itself.

He hasn't found a job yet and it's not for want of trying, both of us are planning our backsides in to look but the climate isn't great and we are looking at other options. We don't live together and I have no financial ties to him. I just feel like the drinking is becoming a bad habit and I'm becoming a nag.

My quandary is this also.. We were out on Saturday night. And he handed me his phone and there were messages to an ex. He quickly deleted them. When asked about them he's hit the roof and said they werent there but given I don't drink and I was stone cold sober I know what I saw now we are at loggerheads over it.i didn't see the content but this isn't someone he has children with and they had a bad break up. He's obviously been on the booze last night called me all the names under the sun, it's my fault this relationship is over yada yada but I feel absolutely heartbroken like pathetically distraught. Our life outwith this outburst has been good and everything else is perfect but wtaf do I do now?

I don't know what to do he says I'm an idiot but I guess I am if I go round there begging for him back but I honestly thought this was it for me. He says I don't trust him and that I've ruined it. Please ladies slap me round the face and tell me what to do

problem drinker, verbally abusive, secretly in touch with ex, gaslighting you about it?

whether to continue with this relationship or not ?

@54321nought

problem drinker, verbally abusive, secretly in touch with ex, gaslighting you about it?

whether to continue with this relationship or not ?

This, run for the hills.

The loss of job due to alcohol would ring alarm bells for me yes. He poses risk. The messages also. It's fine to have contact with an ex, but be open about it. And now he is gas lighting you and twisting it round.

My advice is to do nothing for a few days, calm down and have a think.

You know what to do.

He's being untruthful about several things here.
He's lied about several quite big things there, and is unlikely to stop. Liars lie.

What is your aim? He can't apologise for his behaviour if he won't even acknowledge it.
He wants to gaslight you into thinking you are imagining things, so you can brush it under the carpet. Meanwhile, you're likely to get more and more on edge- looking for more lies, more messages. There is no peace for you in that situation.

Surely no relationship is better than an abusive relationship.
Your 2 boys have been through this once already don't you think that's enough?

He’s shown you his true self, now he wants to know if you will tolerate it.

He will never accept the truth if he’s drinking like that and he is lying as he is deflecting onto you and gaslighting you as you saw the texts .. my advice from someone whose bene in several relationships with drinkers is they won’t change and for me it is getting worse

Sorry I meant to say it gets worse

Walk away now.
Get him away from you and your DC, they need good role models.

This one is not a keeper, OP.

Walk away , and stay away. Permanently.

Can I say also I’ve been ina. Few similar relationships, they do not work, now my focus as always is my children and as a single parent getting my life in order and focusing on career too and generally being a good person

Thank you..I'm such a flipping mug. I pick absolute pricks. 😤 I honestly feel like I can't breathe. This is pathetic. I need to grow a pair. I clearly can't pick a decent human to save my life

Thank you. How on earth did I pick two similar pricks? Honestly the thought of being alone forever terrifies me but really I must be worth more than this?

Honestly, it’s just not worth it.

Don’t be afraid of being alone. I have a theory that you need to find happiness alone to make the best judgment on a relationship.

It's probably not a coincidence that you've ended up with two similar men OP. What was your parents' relationship like?

@katieg03

Thank you. How on earth did I pick two similar pricks? Honestly the thought of being alone forever terrifies me but really I must be worth more than this?

Because you are afraid of being alone.

Work on growing yourself emotionally. Decide that you want to be a calm, peaceful, focused and engaged role model to your two DCs. It is not possible to be that if you are preoccupied with dysfunctional relationships as you can’t be in two emotional places at once. See yourselves as a valid, positive, vibrant unit of three. Once that is established and you feel strong and confident YOU will select a good person to bring into your lives rather than having needy low standards and allowing losers in.

Focus on you and your DCs first and trust that this way of living will attract someone that you all deserve.

The drinking is a huge issue. It has been there all along. You saw it and unconsciously ignored it - that was your mistake.

Hi op do you have a history of addiction in your family?
Did you have an abusive childhood? Do you like to rescue others? Fix others? Maybe not.
Maybe it’s just bad luck.
Sometimes things can be generational.

Not worth the hassle or drama. He's probably telling you half a tale of how he lost his job. They usually drink wayyy more than you realise. Just bin him. You're setting yourself up for a life time of hurt plus he's gas lighting you now about his msgs to an ex. Just get rid.

@katieg03

Thank you..I'm such a flipping mug. I pick absolute pricks. 😤 I honestly feel like I can't breathe. This is pathetic. I need to grow a pair. I clearly can't pick a decent human to save my life

Stop viewing yourself as faulty and you'll have better 'luck', because when things go wrong, you'll assign responsibility correctly, rather than thinking 'Maybe it's something about me/maybe I'm at fault/maybe I'm causing the problems'

'Growing a pair' is simply the belief that you are not the one in the wrong. Then, when they pull this stunt:

He says I don't trust him and that I've ruined it

you'll recognise that he's right, you don't trust him, but that's not because you're deliberately ruining things, it's because he's not trustworthy. You are right not to trust him; it's the healthy emotional response to his behaviour. The truth is (and you can say this to him) he has been untrustworthy, and he has ruined it.

Delete the bit in your brain that tells you stuff is your fault. There's another bit that argues with it, right? The bit that goes 'Hang on - why am I getting the blame here? You're the one behaving badly.' That's the bit to listen to. The bit of you that defends you and stands up for you. Listen to her; she rocks.

The other bit to delete is the bit that needs him to understand and agree with you. He is never going to say 'Oh, I see what you mean, I was an idiot just then. I'll try to do that differently next time' Can you even imagine him saying that? It's not feasible, is it. So you're going to have to accept that when you say to him 'You behaved/treated me poorly', he's going to say 'No I didn't, and you're insane if you think that I did.' That's just what's going to happen, every time. It's his operational mode, his habit. It's his nature. It won't change.

Once you've deleted those thought processes from your brain, you will pick decent human beings.