What is this I am dealing with!?

[Glittabug]

I have been watching him being on his phone in middle of the night, he has a history of watching porn and I found dick pics on his phone (he seems to be an addict but will never admit it). I last night I confronted him and asked to see what he was looking at he locked the phone and would not show me. I gave him back his ring and ended the relationship but he wants to resolve it.

This is his attitude:

1. uses things that happen co incidentally to strengthen his reasoning when I am expressing my feelings. I.e due to relationship breakdowns in extended family is why I want to break up, completely ignoring his actions.

2. I tell him the reason I feel a certain way which he ignores and he tells I'm not being truthful and tells me what I am feeling.

3. puts everything back on me, basically he done what he done yes but I'm the one taking it too far and being extreme in my response.

4. I reminded him when he wanted to look though my phone I gave it to him because I had nothing to hide but because I brought up I'm playing tit for tat.

I feel like there is a clinical name for this behavior or he may just be delusional. I have suggested couples counselling which he agreed to for the sake of my DD as he said because of my decision everything is going to shit as obviously he done nothing to warrant this. Has anyone experienced this type of behavior?

So he's a narcissist?

Gaslighting? Making you question yourself and putting the blame on you for what he's done.

Who gives a fuck about a label for this disgusting fuckwit? The only thing you should be calling him is your EX.

Just walk away. It’s not worth it.

So are the dick pics being sent to harass and shock other women/minors or is he meeting men for sex? There are legal issues around sending explicit pics - he needs to cut that out.

My wife has the code to my phone, laptop and tablet. I made sure she knows how to use them. I set up a password manager (free - Bitwarden - it's excellent) and she knows how to use it on the Windows, iOS and Android devices we have (she has her own phone and iPad) so she can go to any site and login using any of the possible logins listed - i.e. she can navigate to facebook and she will be given the option to login to her or my account and she is free to look at all my messages. I was concerned that, if I died or worse (became incapacitated/unconscious/coma, etc) she might need access to my phone in an emergency or to websites for banking, bills etc as I do all that. The password manager has one master password - it's written down on a postcard under the router - my daughter knows all this too and she's more computer savvy than my wife. I can't understand couples keeping their phones private - every time I write something on line I know my wife could read it (if she wanted). My wife has her own FB which we both use jointly (mainly messenger for keeping in touch with the kids so we both talk on the same account/threads) but I never feel the need to read anything of hers to her friends or her family even though I could if I wanted to and I don't open her post, emails, etc. We share one bank account - neither of us has any other separate accounts - an inheritance I'm receiving will go straight in to our joint account - this is what trust and commitment looks like - how can you have a relationship without it?

He's a Narc and a control freak up to no good, putting it back on you. Bad news

Look up DARVO en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/DARVO
Classic narc behaviour. You did absolutely the right thing.

Also my husband has my phone code and vice versa- we actually share my apple account (cos he’s lazy and can’t be arsed to set one up). We respect each other’s privacy, but the fact that I could look if I want to means I don’t need to. If that makes any sense!

I understand why you want to, but I just want to point out - you don’t need this man to agree with you. Breakups are unilateral. He’s clearly a garbage person, so bin him. Analysing the précis manner in which he’s garbage gains nothing.

Dragging things along because you hope he’s going to have an epiphany and realise he’s in the wrong and/or treating you poorly is doing yourself a disservice.

In summary, LTB.

Sounds very much like gaslighting. He may well have a personality disorder, or he could just be a manipulative arse. Either way, it's not good. Manipulative people enjoy it in my (unfortunate) experience, they dont want to change and you'd be wasting your time trying.

Beingadickitis. Seriously, it doesn't matter what he is or isn't. You can't diagnose anyone over the internet and most of us aren't qualified psychologists or psychiatrists anyway. There's no need to stick a label on someone. Just dump him. He sounds dreadful and not worth a minute more of your time.

Both parties need to want to remain in a relationship for it to continue. If you want to end it, he doesn't get to veto the decision.

If you want a description, how about "lying arsehole". That should cover it.

Wouldn't even bother trying to diagnose him with a label. Would it make him any nicer, or the relationship better?
If you really must have a label, he's a Horrible Git.

So he wants to continue as a singe man but for you to wash his clothes and do the wife work?

That would be a no from me too.

Stay separated but watch his life over the rest of yours. He will have partner after partner. He won't change. His insistenece that his behaviour is partly your fault and you are at fault for not turning a blind eye tells you who and what he is.

Single man! FFS fat fingers!

Counselling “for the sake* of your DD is totally unnecessary. Your DD deserves and wants a peaceful home. Is he the bio father? If not- even easier to get rid! If he is, millions of parents split and their children are better off for it than you’d realise. It’s better for a child to come from a broken home than to live in one 💐

Run, you don’t need this crap. Your DD deserves better too.

What you're dealing with is being the victim of narcissistic behaviour. One of the symptoms is trying to work out 'Why, why, oh why oh why oh why does he do this?!!'

You know you have truly escaped the abuse when you can say 'I don't give a flying fandoodle why he treats me like that - I just want to be very very far away from him'.

Stop trying to figure him out. Start working on figuring out why you feel the need to focus on understanding his behaviour, rather than having the healthier response of 'Urgh, he makes me feel like crap, I need to get away from him.'

Thanks for all of your responses. I knew there is something not right. Apparently the dick pics were taken because he was shaving? Yea bloody right. And he didn't show me his phone because he was not hiding anything, I've never heard anything so ridiculous. I know I am not over reacting just needed validation. Thank you

@TheSquashyHatOfMrGnosspelius your right I'm the third woman he has been in a relationship with that has a child with him. I feel soo stupid for getting my self in this mess. I make it my mission to provide information to prevent my DD from having a partner like this in later life.

Sounds like way too much hard work, why bother?
Dick pics? We’re they of him? Likely to be sending somewhere? If not why would a straight guy have dick pics

Beingadickitis

No known cure. Only treatment is being single. Permanently.

[quote Glittabug]@TheSquashyHatOfMrGnosspelius your right I'm the third woman he has been in a relationship with that has a child with him. I feel soo stupid for getting my self in this mess. I make it my mission to provide information to prevent my DD from having a partner like this in later life.[/quote]
Information is not on the same level as a demonstration. Don't tell her: show her.

I wish my Mum had done. It would have saved me a lot of crap-relationship grief in adult life. If your DD found herself in a crap relationship, would you tell her to feel stupid about herself, or to get out? Demonstrate to her the right thing to do. It'll be good for you, good for her, and good for the relationship between the two of you.

Don't beat yourself up; clever people, stupid people, tall people, short people, thin people, fat people... an abuser can take anybody in who has a kind forgiving heart. Only the steely get out. Be steely, OP.

What are you dealing with? A lying cheat. Pop him in the bin and get on with your life.