Dilemma

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My partner is an alcoholic. I checked out some time ago. We still live together and get on ok when he isn't drinking, which to be fair to him has been a while as he is on a programme, sorting his life out and doing ok.

We haven't really had the talk about separating, but he knows that the last time he got drunk was the straw that broke the camels back.

I have now met a lovely man through my social circle who has asked me out several times. Each time I have said no, but I do really want to go out with him. I am scared of speaking with my partner about this though, as I am scared it will set his recovery back.

I call him my partner as we still live together, although we don't share a bed or a room, we are just housemates.

Should I wait to see if my partner sorts himself out or go out with the lovely other man?

Would you want to stay in your relationship if your partner stopped drinking altogether and showed he was committed to changing? Or is it now too little, too late?

Remove the other man from the equation. He might turn out not to be as lovely as you think, you might realise after a few dates that you’re not really compatible, the stress of your divorce might prove insurmountable for one of the other of you. If the other man weren’t an option, how would you feel?

Neither. The current man has problems well above your expertise. Let him get the help he needs and its up to him whether he follows the programme or not. If he falls off the wagon due to the end of your relationship we'll there's your answer. Move on, get yourself rehoused and do some things that you want to do such as a hobby or travel. When you feel that you are grounded and you have left this man behind you then you can look at a new relationship with eagerness. You are possibly looking at the new man with rose tinted glasses. He might be your knight in shining armour but you need to be in a good place to be able to start a new relationship without any baggage and you will surely will have some. All the best.

By the way your DP doesn't need to know about the possibility of a new man being on the scene at this stage.

Well in my experience, alcoholics have a particular tendency to blame other people and circumstances for their drinking and faults. AA deals with this, helping them to accept responsibility for their actions, but if your partner is only recently on the programme, I fear that could be the excuse he is looking for to fall off the wagon.

Does this other man know much about your situation? How many times and over how long has he actually asked you out? And want reason have you given him for saying no each time? I’d just be a little wary myself of someone who kept asking several times even though i’ve said no!

Don't do anything about another relationship until you've done some work on yourself.

The question you posed reveals you as a person who feels responsible for other people's choices. You can't have a healthy relationship in which you are true to yourself while holding on to that approach to life.

AlAnon offers family/ partner support that will help you become aware of your enabling/ caretaking tendencies and start shedding the burden of other people's problems.