Unable to treat my kids the same and feel dreadful

[timetochangeagainforever]

My kids are 22 and 6 - same day. We split 10yrs ago and the kids lived with me until two years ago.
I unfortunately lost my job due to Covid and sadly my ex (we are very amicable) was able to buy a four bed house near to our sons school where as I was only ably to buy a one bed flat as couldn't get a mortgage (redundancy).
So, when my daughter did her GCSEs we were both able to give her money - it wasn't an incentive as she wasn't aware of the financial reward. She bought a dog.
Same applies to our son this year but, I'm not now in a financial to give him anything as I lost my job and am struggling to find another. I'm luckythat I don't have mortgage but have nothing after my bills are paid.
I feel so bad. Spoke to my ex tonight and he's given our son £ 900 (every grade 7 and above) and I have literally pennies in my account. I've been crying for hours.
I was in a different financial position when my daughter did hers and o feel so awful I can't do the same for my son.
Any advice? How do I deal with this?
My mum is brushing it off but she always drummed into me to treat my kids the same, so that's causing friction too!!!

If you don’t have the money then what can you do? And also £900 is a lot of money. My son got £100 off me as he knows I don’t have much as a single parent. If your mums that bothered tell her to match it

Have you got a good relationship with your son OP?

Could you explain to him that you were in a much better financial position when your DD was 16 and that is why you were able to give her money but not him?

One of them is 6, there's plenty of time to save up

Do you mean 22 and 16?

If you don't have the money you don't have it. I bet you've been an amazing parent in other ways. It's not just about cash.

I would be very honest about the situation, and promise that you will "even the score" as soon as you are financially able to. Don't just go quiet - he will think you've forgotten or have no intention to offer what you did for his sister.

Your ex gave your son an amount which was dependent on his grades? Not on his effort? That sounds like shit parenting.

In the nicest way, try not to give this too much traction. The fact is, kids don’t need the same things at the same time, and things (as you know) change so it’s not always possible to give them the same.

But it’s not just about money OP. My PILs used to see their daughter’s kids twice a week every week. The children had a great relationship with them, it was lovely, and got £2 pocket money a week.

To ‘treat them the same’ once a year my kids got £104. Which was lovely and kind but it replicated the money not the understanding and the feelings. You love both your DC and you’d do anything g you can for them. That’s what’s important rather than financial parity.

Your son has received £900 from one of his parents. He's really not doing that badly and is old enough to understand your financial circumstances.

Your son has received £900. I'm sure he doesn't really care who it was from per se and feels very bloody lucky and excited about the money.

As PP said, awarding cash for results not effort is pretty crap but it's great your son did well and is hopefully pleased with his grades.

This is an issue for you to work through, you sound like you feel inadequate when you've done the best possible for both kids at different times.

Different kids have different needs and different times present different possibilities. Fairness and equal love doesn't always mean giving both kids exactly the same thing.

Don't beat yourself up about this or keep carrying guilt for it or you're going to take the shine off the facts that matter. Your son did brilliantly. He has a nice treat to enjoy. That's it!

I think it says more that you mind it as you are clearly very thoughtful to both. I would just say how proud you are and how you would do anything to give him something special if could, that is already enough and the feeling and support sound very much the same to your DS too. He will know that

I wouldn't put the emphasis on you having no money as I wouldn't want to dump adult issues on the kids. I was 16 when I really started to worry about money and it's never left me. Can you do something else to show how proud you are? Something like have one of those newspaper front page posters made up or another sentimental keepsake?

I'm stuck on the fact you let your 16 daughter buy a dog. How was a 16 Yr old supposed to pay all the ongoing costs of a dog and to look after it properly

Sorry but both of you were unreasonable with your dd and your ex was with your son, monetary rewards for GCSEs are ridiculous. And allowing a 16 year old to buy a dog.

A family meal (both parents ideally) and a token gift, mine got a new backpack for college, is more than enough. Stop worrying about this, you are a good parent

I would be pleased that my DS got very generously treated by his DF. £900 is very generous. Does your DS actually need more than that?

You can't afford to spend money on things like this right now so don't stress about it. There is no benefit to you or your DS to turn a happy occasion into a downer. And surely it would have felt far worse if your DS didn't get anything from either of you? (Honestly I feel like good exam results should be their own reward but that's none of my business.)

God I never got anything for my GCSEs!!! I'll take my own ch out for a meal but that's it!

£900 is excessive IMO!

Op tell your son you are proud of him and cook him his favourite tea (or order takeaway if you can afford it).

Your son is old enough to understand how money works.

Just be honest with him. If you’ve raised a decent lad he’ll understand even if he’s disappointed. It isn’t always possible to treat both kids exactly the same, it depends on what you are able to give at the time. He’s already got an incredible amount of money from his dad.

@NotRainingToday

One of them is 6, there's plenty of time to save up

She obviously means 22 and 16 as she talks about one having done their GCSEs a few years ago and one having done them this year.

A 16 year old bought a dog?!

I'm with my DH. He earns a lot more than me. He gives the children money every year for their savings.
I've given them each one amount when I could afford it.
My wages just don't allow me to do it, and I use literally all of them to pay bills.
(We share all our money anyway there's no he earns mmore situation,before there's a classic MN pile on or something)
It's just the way it is - not everyone earns the same.
But my DC aren't going to get the money and think daddy loved them more because most of it came from him - it's not about money, that's materialistic and I would hope that you've brought your kids up to understand this ?

It's not about how much money you give your kids, and, if you've brought them up to understand the value of money, and materialistic and non materialistic things, then they will understand that your life circumstances changed so you didn't have the same amount of money over the years.

It's life & the most important thing you can do is bring your children up to understand things like this.

As for the actual gift - there are tons of ways you can show your children you're proud of their achievements and none of them involve spending 900 quid