Possibly Triggering Child Abuse/Narcissist OH?

[chemikazi]

Long one so sorry in advance.

I have been married for 10 years.

We have lived apart for the last 2 years but remained married.
Spend holidays weekends and the odd midweek night together.

Our relationship has been turbulent. I think he's probably a narcissist. I've been unhappy at lots of his behaviour. Logically I know it should end.

We haven't spoken for over 2 month's.

Here's the triggering bit.

I was the victim of abuse when I was little. I didn't tell anyone.

The family member committed suicide 3 years ago. I then told my OH what had happened. He was supportive as he had also been abused.

2 months ago I was away with work when I was contacted by a family member who told me that the abuser had committed suicide because he's been accused of grooming another family members child.(not because he was Ill which is what we had been told).

I was devastated. It brought it all back I felt serious guilt like if I'd spoken out it wouldn't have happened to someone else.

I rang my OH having an absolute meltdown. Trying to explain what had happened. I rarely ring during the day and started the conversation with "I'm freaking out". He kept interrupting me asking questions about who I was talking about which cousin I was talking about I just couldn't finish a sentence. I just shouted let me finish what I'm trying to say.... And he hung up on me and we haven't spoken since.

I had to meet with the parents of the family member who had accused the person of grooming. I needed to make sure they believed their daughter. Which meant I had to tell them what had happened to me. Apologise. Ask for their forgiveness.

They were great with me but it was really traumatic.

It was worse than grooming. There had been vile abuse more than what happened to me. He'd been arrested charged and then committed suicide.

What do I do with my anger.

To this day my OH has no idea what I was ringing him about. All my anger is mixed up with everything. I'm in a very dark place.

I'm already on setraline for anxiety.

I'm NC with him but my anger at him is bottled up. No release.

I'm also angry at myself. For putting up with his shit wasting years on him not speaking up when I was little about the abuse feeling partially responsible for the abuse of someone else.

I can't get out of the loop.

Any advice?

I’m not sure I have any advice but what really struck me from your post, is how much courage that must have taken to speak about what happened to you with the family and also how the other girl involved (if she was also told your story) wouldn’t have felt so alone in all of this.

I’m really sorry OH didn’t listen to you, if he was worth anything he would have done. You needed him and he just couldn’t be there for you. I think he will never be a safe place for you to share your anger and emotions-is there a local wellbeing service that you can self refer to? You need someone with time and attention to listen to you, to allow you to take stock of everything that’s happened and start to process some it. Look after yourself Op, I can hear in your post how strong you are, reach out to those who deserve you.

Thank you. Every emotion in intertwined. I probably need to speak to someone x

I agree with Cherry.

Put anything to do with OH to one side. He's probably an arse who doesnt deserve you, but actually that isn't important right now. Ignore him.

You need to talk to someone trained in supporting abuse survivors. You have a lot of trauma to unpack, and not everyone has the resources to help you do that. You have been so brave. Just keep it up a little longer until you get some help to manage it.

Sorry you have to go through this, you have been incredibly brave. You shouldn’t feel guilty and it’s understandable you have so much going on inside your head. Best thing to do in my view is what you have said, speak to someone professional. The organisation Mind have information that may be useful. Ask your doctor to refer you to counselling. When your ready speak to your partner as often lack of communication can cause things to escalate. He likely has his own things to work through and would benefit from counselling too. You were a victim yourself and as the above poster stated you were incredibly courageous for going to the family and very selfless. It’s not an easy thing to have speak about but you did for someone else. That in itself tells me a complete stranger what a wonderful soul you must have. Focus on what is best for you and take time to be kind to yourself.

Gosh I think you were so brave for speaking to the parents. I didn't see that coming when I was reading.

In short you need to forgive yourself. You haven't abused anybody and you haven't made an abuser become one.

You also could (if you want to think could/should/would) have reported him and not been believed or there not been enough evidence etc.

Nothing about this is your fault. But you're carrying the guilt of the abuser. That's normal, most people who have been abused carry it and most abusers don't. Strange thing that.

It's so huge though, all of this, that you really need someone to help you work through it. It's not just you, it's anybody, this is bigger than anybody could cope with alone. And it's far too sensitive for untrained people to be usefully helpful with, no matter how well-meaning they are.

And your not-quite-yet-ex-"D"H? He's a red herring here. He's actually irrelevant. Yes, the call you had with him was awful and he's clearly not checked in on you. Don't give him the prime, luxury location of your headspace though! There's far more important things happening in your life than his inability to respond adequately. He's a sideshow in this situation.

Also as an aside, narc or not, he may not be able to hear what you are feeling because it's triggering in some way for him, and it's more comfortable to block it out. That doesn't mean you should try to make him understand, or feel sorry for him. That means you turn elsewhere for support. And don't look back. If he was going to support you he'd have done it long ago. He won't start now.

Thank you all. I think I've minimised this as I have done for years
Am going to contact a specialist in the morning x

I know there’s nothing any of us can say that will take your pain away. But you have been amazing through all of this, what courage, selflessness and kindness you showed telling those parents the truth. Your husband has shown you who he is, it’s better you realise it now than never. Now you can work on yourself. Put yourself first now. Let this post be the start of new beginnings and healing. Don’t put off contacting the specialist. Push for yourself. You deserve peace OP. Xx

napac.org.uk/calling-our-support-line/
NAPAC is a good place to start

Havoca is also excellent. I found their site when I faced up to childhood sexual abuse by my older brother about a decade ago and it really helped me. Lots of useful stuff about understanding and processing what you're going through, plus an excellent forum with many people who understand exactly what you're going through. I haven't been on it for years tbh as I don't need it any more, but I assume it's only got better.
www.havoca.org/

Their site also has a whole section on dealing with anger:
www.havoca.org/survivors/anger/

Please look after yourself, and remember that you have nothing to feel guilty about. You were a child when you were abused. As an adult

telling family that another family member abused you often seems to result in families being torn apart and refusing to believe the victim. The only person who should feel any guilt over any of this is the abuser.

Please make use of whatever professional help is available, and in the meantime perhaps it would help to talk to a close friend or relative who you can trust. I found talking to my husband was enough for me, but sadly your husband sounds worse than useless.

I also found it a great help to keep a journal on the PC. I made private documents on there and just rattled everything out to stop it whirling round my head.

Look after yourself xx

@puddock

napac.org.uk/calling-our-support-line/ NAPAC is a good place to start

Thank you x