Parent-Child relationship breakdown

[Spinxsta]

It's difficult knowing where to start and keeping it brief enough to read ...

I have 2 older siblings. Sibling 1 has a complex and violent personality. She physically and emotionally assaulted sibling 2 and me throughout our childhoods and into adulthood. I've gone NC on numerous occasions and currently sibling 2 and I have been NC for around 7 or 8 years. Her abuse has been directed at our parents too.

Before lockdown, she had her two teenage children in her car and threatened to drive them all into a wall and kill them. The children called their grandparents and father in a panic. The children were at their grandparents house the next day and sibling 1 arrived and attempted to break into the house. My father went out to talk to her and she attempted to attack him with an object she'd found in the garden. My mother called the police and she was arrested, spent a night in custody, and was released with conditions (?) the next day. Since then she has been NC with our parents.

Recently, she has begun contacting our parents. She phones and spends up to an hour abusing our mother. Our father refuses to talk to her. He says he'll attend counselling with her or have a civil discussion but won't engage in any abuse. Our mother, on the other hand, listens to these phone calls.

There's a long history of our mother not coping with sibling 1's behaviours and almost reinforcing or condoning some of what has happened in the past.

This has an impact on other family dynamics. As our mother gets stressed and depressed and anxious and it becomes difficult for us all.

I suggested she get some counselling herself to learn to cope with this breakdown. Having such a difficult relationship with a child is awful but she really needs to learn some coping strategies. Are there any books or literature that might help? Or organisations that deal with this particular problem? Or any advice? I'm not sure our mother will pursue counselling as she doesn't like to talk about what's happened with sibling 1. I think she feels she's failed as a mother.

There's obviously lots of info left out but hopefully enough for this to make sense.

Is this sibling allowed contact with their children?

Just wondering if you could use that show your mum, that low/no contact with them, until they get some help is best all round.

I assume there's some sort of severe mental health problem?

Aside from your dad having calls blocked (if that's possible) or changing the phone numbers your mum can be called on (your mum won't do it), I don't think there's much you can do to stop your mum engaging with the sibling. It may be helping if she was discussing whatever happened to sibling. But just letting them scream and rant, is probably making it worse.

It will be winding them up more about it and her lack of engagment, will make sibling believe they are right about what they are saying AND that they are right in the way they are going about it.

Maybe approach it in a way that shows your m isn't helping and possi ky making it worse.

will make sibling believe they are right about what they are saying AND that they are right in the way they are going about it.

I think this has been going on for 40 years though. Sibling casts blame on everyone but herself. She said that our father getting her arrested was the reason her family broke up. This isn't even remotely chronologically correct but she's projected everything onto that event and our father.

One of her children has moved in with their dad and refuses to see her. The other child splits their time as they are struggling to form a relationship with the dad's partner. There was an incident with alcohol and the child said they drink to numb themselves when staying with their mum/sibling 1. The police took statements from them after the incident pre-pandemic and apparently schools were informed.

Sibling 1 definitely has MH difficulties and possibly some mild LD. Our parents have supported her through counselling in the past. She needs more specialist help but she won't engage and the services are just too difficult to access. We were all hoping the arrest would result in a referral but it didn't.

Hopeful bump for advice.

You need to involve social services and tell them the whole truth of her violent behaviour. Her kids need to be primarily looked after by stable family members,not your sister.

The police raised a safeguarding concern and their schools were made aware. I'm not sure on the full history but I don't think social services were concerned/they didn't make the threshold.

One now lives full time with their dad and the other chooses to split their time. They both see and speak to their grandparents regularly, they keep it secret from their mum as they know it'll cause problems.

This could almost be me writing - I have a very similar sibling 1. I won't post too much as it could be outing but had 30 years of similar behaviour.
Your mum needs to learn how to put in place some boundaries to protect herself. A book called 'Stop Walking on Eggshells' has some good advice for this.
The Rethink website is also useful and they have some support groups for grown up siblings - I went to a few sessions and it was really useful to talk through everything with people who have been through similar.

For us, sibling 1 getting sectioned in her 40s was the start of getting proper support and involvement of the community mental health team. She was then forced to take meds, which did help. It's been a wobbly time still since but she is at least on their radar.

Best wishes to you all, it is very difficult for all

Thanks for signposting the book and website, @Ticklemycarpets. That's really helpful.

I'm sorry to hear you've had to experience similar. It's not easy being part of a family with complex and violent personalities.

We were really hoping the pre-pandemic incident would result in her being forced (probably not the best word) to engage with MH services. I can't see anyway this will resolve without intervention. It's just a constant cycle!