Advice on pursuing FWB/casual relationship(s)!

[yellowcourgette]

Hi all,

Namechanged, but have been here for a while and this site has really helped me recognise poor relationships. Sorry this is long, but there's important background that is relevant to how I handle all of this.

I've been in both a sexually and emotionally abusive relationship (different relationships), and left my last relationship due to it causing a lot of anxiety due to not having my needs met. I found leaving all of my relationships hard because of my fear of being alone. There are reasons for this from childhood etc, which is too much to go into, but I'm working on it.

I like to think that I am a very caring person who will do a lot for my partner. I struggle with lack of affection and input from the other person, which I have experienced in two relationships. I'm not needy, but want an emotionally fulfulling relationship, and can turn needy if I don't get this. I am very much a people pleaser and put up with a lot of crap before I act on it. I often put people before myself and am learning that this can sometimes be a bad thing. I am getting better with all of this through counselling and reading (and Mumsnet obviously).

My life is more stable now; I have a house and a dog and less work pressure, and I have been single and not actively looking for 6 months. This has surprised me. My anxiety has almost disappeared since my breakup and my depression and ADHD are under control.

I recently got back in touch with my ex, mostly for friendship as we do get on very well and missed each other, and its turned into a FWB. I've never done this before. At first I found this hard (no commitment has turned him into a 'perfect' partner, which made me hurt, confused and resentful) but we have talked about it and I am in a better place. I have no wish to get back together and am really enjoying hanging out, having occasional sex (ironically more frequently and more attentive on his part than when we were together!) and being able to actually recognise and act on any bad behaviour from him. He's lovely, but my god he can be an obnoxious idiot.

Another opportunity for a FWB has arisen with someone I met dating a couple of years ago who got back in touch. I find him super attractive, funny and great to hang out with. However, we mutually agreed that we were not compatable due to my emotional needs, and him finding it difficult to give this in a relationship.

So my questions I suppose are... I would like to pursue this FWB with guy 2 as it could be really fun, but I'm worried. Does anyone have any advice, preferably first hand, for being in a FWB with someone you may potentially develop feelings for? How do/can I prepare myself for him just wanting sex and then fucking off? Will this just stop me from putting the effort in to find someone I can actually be with, which is my goal, even though I am not actively dating now? Or do you think it will help me in the long term in terms of being able to be more assertive in finding the right person? The more relationships I go through, the 'better' I get. I'm 35, feel like I'm getting old and panicking about finding someone. I don't want kids though so that's not an issue.

Sorry that was long!! I really don't know what to do. Another thing is that I have a lot of anxiety around sleeping with someone the first time, and I find it hard being spontaneous in this sense. Guy 2 has made it very clear what he wants though...!

HELP

I think you’ve taken a break, focused on yourself, done some work on attachment etc …and promptly tricked yourself into trying to do closeness without any emotions or expectations. Simple fact is if you like someone romantically and sleep with them regularly it’s very hard to stop feelings developing.

If you’re really after an actual relationship then spending your time doing FWB could be counter-productive, especially if it takes up a lot of your social tome and headspace.

Why would a FWB situation help you be more assertive?

Plus are you saying you have been single for only 6 months and in this time you’ve already been having sex with an ex? That’s no time at all.

Does anyone have any advice, preferably first hand, for being in a FWB with someone you may potentially develop feelings for?

Don’t do it. If you know that you find it difficult not to catch feelings once sex and good company is involved, then FWB situations just aren’t for you. You’ll end up getting hurt, and it’s unfair to embroil somebody who’s been clear they aren’t looking for anything more, into what is likely to end up being you wanting more.

It sounds like you’re doing some good work with your counselling and introspection and reading. Carry on with this until you’re in a place where you feel ready to begin dating with a view to a proper relationship. Don’t mess up the progress you’ve made so far by trying to become happy with a situation which you know is likely to make you unhappy.

And from the other side of the fence: DP and I have an open relationship, he’s very much my primary partner, and I’ve recently been dating a very lovely man who clearly thought he could do a FWB thing with somebody who already has a partner. It’s becoming patently obvious that he isn’t in the right place to be doing this, I can’t give him the commitment or emotional input he wants of me. It’s making me very uncomfortable and I feel like I’m hurting him - hence why I’m going to gently cut him loose when we meet tomorrow.

Don’t put yourself in that position. Not everyone is as nice as I am! Some people will happily string you along knowing that you have feelings for them which aren’t reciprocated, because they’re enjoying the sex.

Is the ex you’re currently having sex with the ex you broke up with 6 months ago? I assumed it was one from long ago. If he’s the former then the fact that you are doing this, because you still miss him and want his company and affection despite him having treated you badly when you were together, just drives home that you’re really not ready to be in any kind of relationship, FWB or otherwise, with anyone yet. Your boundaries are all skewed. Your ex didn’t meet your needs and didn’t want to commit to you - and in return, you’re giving him exactly what he wants: commitment-free sex and attention in his terms.

Speak to your counsellor. Stay away from all men for the time being. None of this is going to make you happy, or help you move on.

Thanks all, wise words. I think you're right with the FWB. It's very hard though and I really want to just see if it will work out, but this person is explicitly telling me that they will not be a good long term partner and I need to listen to that.

Regarding the ex, we spent 6 months apart and have been in touch for a couple of months now. @ComtesseDeSpair you are right that he's getting exactly what he wants, and I am a bit resentful of that. However, I am also enjoying it and getting what I want! He is fulfilling some of my needs at the moment which I'm not really wanting to meet in other ways. The prospect of dating right now is just uggghhh. Not because I'm not ready, and I am in a much better place than I've been for years, but because of the effort, disappointment and knowledge that there will be a lot of frogs. So the ex is a comfortable known. But I am being very aware of my feelings and am making sure I am ready to cut it off if it stops being positive for me.

Maybe it is time to download Tinder again and rejoin the dating thread, and make an effort with people who i would be compatible with in the long term.

It's so tempting though, this guy... I've always had low confidence and felt like anyone I found attractive was out of my league, so it's hard to say no.

I find him super attractive, funny and great to hang out with. However, we mutually agreed that we were not compatable due to my emotional needs, and him finding it difficult to give this in a relationship

90% of women on here who convince themselves they want a FWB situation know deep down they want the guy to fall in love with them and have the happy ending. This is no different. Don't undervalue yourself to this man.

Can the knowing that he finds you attractive not be enough of an ego boost? And feeling empowered enough to say, “thanks dude, I’m flattered, but I’m looking to be totally single for a bit before I start dating again and then I’ll be looking for a relationship not something casual”, be an excellent boost to your confidence? In the sense that you don’t need to accept every offer you get, because you know your worth enough to feel sure there will always be others if you want them?

There doesn’t have to be “a lot of frogs” when you date. I’ve dated for years, and I’ve never had a bad date or met a bad man. Often, it’s the being scared of being on your own, or desperate for a relationship or affection, or validation from men, which leads to the frogs: you decide to “see how it goes with men who are clearly unsuitable for you. Once you reach a position with yourself where you’re genuinely happy on your own and a man has to be pretty damn great to change that, you get far better at recognising the red flags of unsuitable men on the first date (and very often, well before that, when you first start exchanging messages.)

I know you feel as though you’re in the best place you have for years, but being only a few months out of a relationship where you were taken advantage of (and with a man who you still miss and are still having sex with) really isn’t very far removed at all. Take things slowly rather than jumping right back in.

I think the majority of women who think they want a FWB situation actually can't handle it, and so my advice would be not to do it, especially as you're vulnerable still.

How do/can I prepare myself for him just wanting sex and then fucking off?

This is exactly the point of FWB and what will inevitably happen.

In my opinion, the people who benefit most from these arrangements are men. You are giving them the greenlight to shag you whenever they want, and without them ever having to take you on a date, or do any of the basics that we expect in a relationship. It's free sex for them, win win.

If you're 35 and want to settle down, you will absolutely be wasting time on FWB. Cut them loose, clear your mind, and date properly - with men who are looking for the same as you are. Stop entertaining men who are openly telling you that they want to get their leg over and nothing more.

It's very hard though and I really want to just see if it will work out, but this person is explicitly telling me that they will not be a good long term partner and I need to listen to that

Or put another way "I'll fuck you, but I'll never consider you good enough to be my Partner, and when a better offer comes along, I'll ghost you and you will feel shite for months". Not quite so palatable is it?

These men must think they're God's gift. Twats.

I think if any guy had the bare faced cheek to tell me they'd be my FWB, I would laugh in their face, and tell them the only person "benefitting" would be them, and fuck off now please.

FEB is exactly that friends that fuck sometimes when it suits both
I had an arrangement with a lady we met for sex when both single and free over a number of years if I was dating we stopped and the same for her
I met someone and got married we stopped the sex both both liked each other so carried on as friends only it was great
I split from my wife she was single so we resumed our arrangement
She met someone special I was delighted for her, I knew her well by now and know that she had had a difficult past with her husband
She got married again I was over the moon for her she is a lovely person and a brilliant friend we always knew we were not right for each other in a relationship so that never happened
Her husband did not like us meeting- really he had nothing to worry about from me but that’s how it went
I miss our chats and she knows she can always call me - I am married again now so would be friends only
I think if relationships type feeling are there it is asking for trouble you need to be 100% straight from the start and all can be great

BTW we both had another friend at different times just how it goes as we were both not always available when the other horny