Confused and dont feel strong enough

[Lonely32]

Me and OH together off and on for 4 years.
I have a 7 year old DS, its not OH child

In our relationship I would always hear insulting remarks which he sugar coats as jokes and me being too sensitive. He would never apologise to me or show any emotional empathy ever. He would call me silly or say that I have something wrong with my head in front of my DS often. He is also putting me down in front of friends and his family, hinting I dont cook enough or cook simple stuff, whereas he never cooks dinners despite being home half a day.

I have always been financially independent from him, however always hear that I am able to save money because of him. I dont see how because I rented my own house for the last 5 years, paid bills and done my degree. Suppose I made the biggest mistake of my life by movong in with him in his house as it madr financial sense fiven that I am now in full time employment and no longer a student. I live 50 mins drive away from my hometown now.

I cover rates, electricity, a lot of food shopping. Fully support my DS by paying childcare fees, clothes etc etc.
My responsibilities to buy food, cook, clean and do the washing, look after my DS completely.

My OH would go food shopping on weekends. Would do an odd wash very rarely.

In terms of responsibilities my OH works full time evening shifts meaning that he is home each day until 3 oclock. Given that I work 9 to 5 a mixture of WFH and office it made sense to ask OH to look after DS until 2 oclock and drop him off at childcare place. My OH is having a constant go at me for giving him these responsibilities and even when we have disagreements he would always say thats it, I am not helping you out anymore, put DS into full time childcare. He is also telling me that I use him for free childcare. He has asked me for diesel money to bring my DS to the afterschools which I agreed to pay, however he then turned it around and said its not about money, but my behaviour and attitude.

I am so hurt that I have moved away and basically lost my independence. I am hurt that DS lives miles away from friends and family and I am stuck here with no support or as I can see now superficial "support" for which I am being blamed for.

I don't quite understand... it sounds miserable all round. Move back to your hometown (if you miss it) and commute to work while you look for a closer job? This doesn't sound like a difficult decision or impossible situation...?

Yes I am strongly considering moving back to my hometown as I have a support network there. The commute is long, but its going to be done. The other things would be getting a school place for my DS back in our hometown. I feel very guilty that I moved here and its a big change for DS as he is autistic too...now we have to move back home..

I suppose its really difficult for me as I clearly did not see my OH for who he was and living in HIS house has actually shown how controlling and abusive he is. Sometimes I did wonder if it was me, but I can see now that he would always push my buttons with passive-aggressive remarks for days on end and when I finally loose my temper he would say look at your behaviour, this is why I am like this to you, your behaviour must change. I am so sick of it, as no matter what I do there will always be something he will pick at...

Does your OH have children of his own, it doesn't like he does. Could he be jealous of your relationship with your DS? Your OH doesn't seem to understand that in order to have a relationship with you, he has to also have a relationship with your DS or any other children that you might have. In my book that certainly doesn't mean asking for diesel money to pick up your son, accusing you of using your DC as well as telling you that you have behaviour issues, but worse still, telling you to put your DC into day care when your OH could so easily help, what is that you and your son? I would seriously think about ending this relationship. If you do, good luck, I think that you have a great attitude, work ethnic and are a great mum to your DC. Find someone else who would gladly treat you like you deserve to be treated.

How long were you with “d”p before you moved to be with him?

Its a no brainer. No joint mortgage, kids or financial ties. Don't delay any longer and expose your DS to a man who doesn't care for him and who treats his mother with contempt.

Hope you can leave soon OP. Don't discuss with him as he may bring on the fake tears/promises. Good luck with your new life!!!!

Thanks everyone. He doesnt have his own DC.