Losing my friends because my mental illness is pushing them away

[Abs1992]

I fell out with a best friend recently because I was going through a depressive period and I was difficult and I don’t blame her for giving up. But she was one of three in a close group and now I’m pushing away the others because I can’t cope with how difficult it is to have that situation of me and her not talking anymore, the feeling I’ve ruined the group, I’ve made things awkward and rubbish for everyone. And seeing them all together without me reminds me of what I’ve lost and why I lost it and that it’s because of how awful I am. I changed my medication and had been doing ok, well even, and now I’m falling again and I can’t do it like this anymore. The only thing stopping me from ending my life is the guilt of how my family would feel. But it feels like a choice between me living miserably and lonely forever vs. My parents grieving me forever. I just can’t take it. I’ve had therapy. ChNged medication again. Been honest and open with my friends about how bad it was last time but I can’t do it again. I’ve literally told them I don’t think it’s going to work anymore, literally pushing them away. I regret it now but also don’t think there’s anything else I could do. Im a mess and know it’s my fault and I couldn’t hate myself more but I just don’t know what to do.

Posted in mental health section too but I’m desperate for any words of wisdom or advice

Hello there. I just wanted to say I am so sorry you're feeling the way you are.

First and foremost, there are people that care about you but suicide isn't the answer. There is one thing I've learned in life. Nothing is permanent and it will change.

I'm saying this as someone who lost their brother to suicide. It ruined all our lives and my mum has never been the same. We ended up with ptsd both me and my mum. My life will never be the same without my brother. He left a huge hole in our lives and now I will never see him again. I promise your parents will feel the same way so hold onto that. That's your safety net.

I am also speaking as someone with suicidal thoughts. My mental health is terrible at the moment but the same thing stops me. I could never put my mum through that again and I also know how it feels.

I'm very sorry how it is with your friends. It can be really hard for people to understand.

Would you like to talk about what is making you feel so down? Are you comfortable talking about that?

The situation with your friends is probably making you feel worse. Maybe just take a step back from them right now and concentrate on yourself and your recovery.

May I ask what are you doing for self care? Are you in regular contact with your gp? Have you been in touch with a mental health charity such as mind? Are you seeing a counsellor? I'm here if you need someone to speak to. I know how hard it is.

Remember you are worth something. People do care and most of all you are not alone.

Thank you. I just don’t think I can be ok if I lose my friends but it’s my actions that are causing that so there’s no way out. I’ve had therapy, I stopped a few weeks ago as I was feeling so much better, I changed my medication and everything felt good again. And now just weeks later.. it’s the same again. I’m feeling down because I feel so alone. I feel like I am the alone person in a midst of people in couples or families or groups. And now that I’ve lost one friend from my group of close friends (because of how I was in the midst of depression) it feels like I’m going to have to lose the others in the group. They spent an evening together at the weekend, the 3 of them, one that we were all going to spend together before the fall out, and seeing a photo of all of them just floored me when I was already feeling quite alone. And so I decided it was best to cut them all off because otherwise this was just going to happen forever and it would make things awkward for everyone. But now I am just going to be sad and more alone. I know things have got better in the past but they also go down again so what’s the point, why should I keep going if it always come back to this?

Do you want to pm me? Feel free if you wish to and we can talk it out if it would help you. I've been in a similar scenario.